fish flop

I haven't written for a week.  That pity party is still going on.
I am floundering.
Like that good old fish out of water I am flopping around.  Throw me back in please!

Yesterday I attended the funeral of my friend Kathy.  I am so sad for my friends.  It is selfish I know, but I hate to see people I care about hurt so bad. 
I went back to work and just sat in front of my computer...didn't produce much. 

I came home last night and jumped on the tractor and cut grass just to think.  I know I am being told to "be still and listen" but I also know I am on the verge of a big "something".  You know when you can just feel it.   You know something is around the corner.  I feel it.

I read something yesterday about confusion that said...write down what you are confused about all on one page...then list what you know is true and that will answer your confusion list.
I laugh because the things I know to be true are:
God is in charge
I trust God
God has gotten me through things
I should listen to what God is telling me
I shouldn't try to do things on my own
I need to wait, and listen (this is where the confusion comes from...I want action!)

So, I continue to sit and wait and keep my ears open.  Sometimes I think I am totally losing it.  Someone told me yesterday, you must not be listening very well!  If God has to keep telling you!!

I don't know if I can continue doing this.  This life, this house, this work, all of it.  What is it all for? Confusion and questions...big life questions! Does everyone go through these times?

While I wait I will continue to flop...and flip...and flop like a fish!