doesn't matter

Be who you are and say what you feel.
Because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind.
Dr. Seuss

I hope if you are going through this you have gone out and bought some of the books I talked about that helped me.  One that I keep going back to over and over again is "Runaway Husbands" by Vicki Stark.  There is a time when she talks about a visit from her sister and brother-in-law and the brother-in-law kept reminding her (every time she would bring up her ex-husband's name) that he doesn't matter anymore.  What the ex thinks and feels or tries to impart...just doesn't matter...doesn't make a hill of beans!  Not important!  Do you know how hard it is after 32  years to not think about what your husband thinks or feels.
It is hard not to still think that. Recently Mark called to ask the whereabouts of the deed to a piece of property we owned.  I had sent it to him in a box of stuff but he insisted it wasn't there.  I knew I had packed it.  I immediatly dropped back into that same old role of "OH poor Mark...I'll find it for you," before I stopped myself and said...this is the jerk that tore my family apart and betrayed every feeling I had...so I turned around, not being spiteful but knowing "it doesn't matter"...and said "I know it is there, find it." and left it at that. 
I really think this man thought we would be one big inter-wed happy family.  But guess what...what he wants "doesn't matter".  I don't need to take his wants and considerations into any part of my life anymore.  Poor Kathy does, and there are times I really do feel sorry for her.  I found this the other day while browsing online and thought I would share.  It says a lot of what I felt in the beginning...It is a letter from a minister to The Other Woman.  Because I never had the chance to say this to her and let her know exactly what I think of her.  From all I've heard she, like my ex has excuses for everything that happened.   Always someone else's fault.   It is hard to take responsibility. 

Letter To The Other Woman

by David Padfield

Dear Rhonda,
Since you claim to be a Christian, I am not going to spend a lot of time reminding you of what our Lord said about adultery in Matthew 19:1-9. You know that adultery and fornication will keep you out of heaven.

Instead, I would like for you to see the harm you have done to the lives of so many innocent people.
Several weeks ago Tonya E-mailed me and told me of her husband's marital infidelity, and how her family's life had "been turned upside down." After nineteen years of marriage she discovered a "secret mailbox full of romantic E-mails" from you. She told me how he supposedly met you online, and presented himself as a single man, even though Mike now says you knew he was married all along. Tonya found it hard to believe that any woman calling herself a "Christian" would be involved with a married man. She said you have no clue as to how you hurt her family, including her extended family, and their spouses and children. I could almost hear her sobs and tears as she wrote about how her family had been torn apart by your illicit relationship with her husband.
Rhonda, have you considered what type of man you are now involved with? Nineteen years ago he stood in the presence of his family and friends and swore before his God that he would be faithful to Tonya until in death they parted. With your "help" he has since betrayed those vows. How can you be so infatuated with a man who is willing to break such a sacred vow? How can you spend time with a man whom you know cannot be trusted? Do you think you are so special that he will never lie to you?
At least on one occasion Mike promised to visit his children, but failed to show up because he wanted to spend time with you. Can you imagine how deeply hurt his kids were when he failed to show up? How can you be involved with a man who has so little regard for his own children? Is your need for male companionship so strong that you are willing to destroy innocent young lives to get what you need? How could you be in love with a man who is willing to allow his children to suffer so he can spend time with you?
Every time I have counseled people who suspect their spouse has been unfaithful, I always suggest they go to a doctor or health clinic and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. If you are willing to spend time with a married man, then it is safe to assume that you might also be carrying an STD. I know Tonya had the blood test, but I have not inquired as to the results. I can not imagine anything more humiliating for a married woman than to have to go for a blood test because she might have contracted an STD from her own husband. Do you have any compassion for this poor woman whose life you have turned upside down? How would you feel if you and Mike were married and some other woman took him away from you? Would you not feel betrayed? Would you not consider "the other woman" to be a tramp, one step above a common whore? This is exactly how people look at you right now.
If you have read this far, then there is hope for you. It means that you are concerned about your soul and how your actions have harmed others. In the Bible, genuine repentance is accompanied by "fruits worthy of repentance." You need to break off your relationship with Mike immediately, and go to Tonya in person and apologize for how you have devastated her life. The good news is that you can repent and renew your allegiance to Christ. The blood of Christ can forgive every sin in your past. Sin does bring shame, but a failure to repent brings on more shame, and finally death.
If you would like to discuss this further, please call me at any time.
Yours in Christ,
David Padfield

Now..It doesn't matter.  But it matters to God.