Prior to everything (do you see my life revolves around prior to the affair and following the affair?) I read the book "The Shack" and loved it. It took on a whole new meaning following the affair.
One day my friend Leslie at work said "guess who is coming to Charleston...Paul Young...he wrote 'The Shack'...we have to plan on going to see him." So, my daughter-in-law Jennifer, Leslie and I went to see him speak. What a night...the witness was unreal...his story of how a couple of friends published this book and distributed it out of their garage to it becoming a world-wide phenomenon...is amazing...
also amazing was his story of cheating on his wife of many years...how his ego outgrew himself and how he struggled with all of it...and his relationship with God...and now 9 years later she is just starting to trust him again...she is just starting to love him again...what a fool he had been and how he let his pride and ego get in the way of all that he loved...his kids, his wife and his life...what a revelation...
we all sat shocked and stunned and cried...we stayed after and got our books signed and left saying "wow' we have just witnessed a God moment...God was in that place as he talked...you expected the witness from him about the book...but not the personal witness of his life struggles...the same struggles I was dealing with but from the other side...of the prideful and egotistical cheater...
it was special these special friends were with me and experienced it with me.
It was a revelation to me...I came home and sat down and packaged the book with a note that said Read this book and started to send it to Mark...but that little God voice inside my head said...stop...don't...the time is not right for this...he won't get it...listen to me...so I did... it still sits packaged ready to go when I get the word from God...
If you haven't read The Shack go out and buy it today and meet the father, son and holy ghost. All three in ways you won't believe in a story of forgiveness...
Blessings today...
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label forgiveness. Show all posts
Monday, March 7, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Revenge is Mine says the Lord
Throughout this past year I must confess I have thought of all of the ways to extract revenge on Mark McHenry. In the beginning I also must admit I did some pretty bad things. I said bad things, I called him really bad names and his girlfriend worse names. I said horrible things to him in retaliation for the hurt he caused me and my family. One of the most awful things I did was contact her husband. In my defense I was told by my husband he already knew...another lie...he didn't have a clue. So two marriages were destroyed and families were harmed at the selfishness of two people.
I called names, I cleaned my toilet with his toothbrush, I turned off his cell phone and then I asked my Lord for forgiveness. Daily I ask the Lord to forgive my thoughts. Some days are worse than others. I would get pleasure from going online and reading blogs of ladies that did really horrible things...like writing on cars with spray paint, etc. and wished I had the guts to do such a thing. I don't and I finally realized all of the revenge and wrath only hurt one person and that was me. By this time he could care less. I still think back to before I knew about the affair and think of the hurtful things he said about my weight, my smell, my need for perfume, my not being clean enough, I was NEVER good enough...I was made to feel inferior. That is one of the hidden things of divorce...you lose all self esteem. I had a great job, a second job at church, I was well respected at both and loved by many but that didn't matter...one person...could make me feel so inferior and dirty with his words and actions.
There is scripture that I find pleasure in...instead of me looking for revenge...
Romans 12:19 says "Revenge is mine, says the Lord, I will repay"....I can't imagine the revenge the Lord can take...I don't want anyone I know or care about to EVER feel the revenge of the Lord because it will be unimaginable...When I am having revengeful days I think about that scripture and smile to myself. I know that is evil but for a minute it feels good. Then I feel bad...I also repeat things like "you reap what you sow" and know one day it will all come back to bite him on the butt and look forward to witnessing that day. I also know this is not very Christian-like.
I also know my Lord. I know he is a forgiving and loving Lord and will forgive anything if we just ask. Mark was my best friend and in the blink of an eye he went from my friend and lover to my enemy. How is that possible? I ask God that all the time...how does that happen?
I know God will forgive him if he will just ask and I hope he has asked for forgiveness. I know it doesn't sound like it but I forgave him a long time ago but there are days when I ask for revenge.
It is hard to be a Christian all the time and as you can tell I am still working on a lot of things. I love my Lord and ask his forgiveness and ask Mark for forgiveness too for my actions. My heart feels good at these times. Then there are days when i repeat "revenge is mine, says the Lord, I will repay."
I called names, I cleaned my toilet with his toothbrush, I turned off his cell phone and then I asked my Lord for forgiveness. Daily I ask the Lord to forgive my thoughts. Some days are worse than others. I would get pleasure from going online and reading blogs of ladies that did really horrible things...like writing on cars with spray paint, etc. and wished I had the guts to do such a thing. I don't and I finally realized all of the revenge and wrath only hurt one person and that was me. By this time he could care less. I still think back to before I knew about the affair and think of the hurtful things he said about my weight, my smell, my need for perfume, my not being clean enough, I was NEVER good enough...I was made to feel inferior. That is one of the hidden things of divorce...you lose all self esteem. I had a great job, a second job at church, I was well respected at both and loved by many but that didn't matter...one person...could make me feel so inferior and dirty with his words and actions.
There is scripture that I find pleasure in...instead of me looking for revenge...
Romans 12:19 says "Revenge is mine, says the Lord, I will repay"....I can't imagine the revenge the Lord can take...I don't want anyone I know or care about to EVER feel the revenge of the Lord because it will be unimaginable...When I am having revengeful days I think about that scripture and smile to myself. I know that is evil but for a minute it feels good. Then I feel bad...I also repeat things like "you reap what you sow" and know one day it will all come back to bite him on the butt and look forward to witnessing that day. I also know this is not very Christian-like.
I also know my Lord. I know he is a forgiving and loving Lord and will forgive anything if we just ask. Mark was my best friend and in the blink of an eye he went from my friend and lover to my enemy. How is that possible? I ask God that all the time...how does that happen?
I know God will forgive him if he will just ask and I hope he has asked for forgiveness. I know it doesn't sound like it but I forgave him a long time ago but there are days when I ask for revenge.
It is hard to be a Christian all the time and as you can tell I am still working on a lot of things. I love my Lord and ask his forgiveness and ask Mark for forgiveness too for my actions. My heart feels good at these times. Then there are days when i repeat "revenge is mine, says the Lord, I will repay."
Friday, January 28, 2011
Forgiveness...heck no!
I enjoyed Solomon Island a lot...while there I struggled with forgiveness...how can I forgive? I teach kids about God's love...shouldn't I show them how to forgive? It was a struggle all weekend...every morning I would walk a couple of miles...on Sunday morning I threw in clothes to put over my workout clothes and headed to a tiny little white Methodist church on the water. It was a congregation of older people..who all came over and welcomed me...and the service began...during the sermon (which was about being in awe of God) a voice came from the back of the church that said..."I want to talk about forgiveness"..i froze...the preacher stopped and said "OK lets talk about it" and they did and all questions he asked were questions I asked myself and had been struggling with all weekend...
the minister talked about how forgiveness helps us to step out of the way and lets God do his work...when we don't forgive there is a barrier between that person and God...and that barrier is us...i cried the entire service...when I had the chance to look..the person in the back was a beach bum who looked like he had been out all night...and a friend of his...as I was leaving the church that day there were lots of older people crowded around the fellow and he was saying...I don't know why I came in here today...but I knew why...I immediately texted my ex Mark and said "I forgive you"...and my life turned a corner that day...i knew I was going to be OK...i knew God had plans for me and I knew God needed me to forgive...do I feel forgiving every day...heck no! There are still times when the hate is powerful...but it is different...there is peace in my life and in my heart...I made sure I sat down and wrote a letter to the pastor so she would know the impact she and her congregation had...i always think would Greg stop a prepared sermon to answer a question from the congregation and i think he would and i hope our congregation would embrace such an interruption...
God was with me in my struggles...there is NO DOUBT...God has walked with me...and let me know it too!! I tell the kids I have learned to pay attention...and watch for God...he is real and he is here!!
the minister talked about how forgiveness helps us to step out of the way and lets God do his work...when we don't forgive there is a barrier between that person and God...and that barrier is us...i cried the entire service...when I had the chance to look..the person in the back was a beach bum who looked like he had been out all night...and a friend of his...as I was leaving the church that day there were lots of older people crowded around the fellow and he was saying...I don't know why I came in here today...but I knew why...I immediately texted my ex Mark and said "I forgive you"...and my life turned a corner that day...i knew I was going to be OK...i knew God had plans for me and I knew God needed me to forgive...do I feel forgiving every day...heck no! There are still times when the hate is powerful...but it is different...there is peace in my life and in my heart...I made sure I sat down and wrote a letter to the pastor so she would know the impact she and her congregation had...i always think would Greg stop a prepared sermon to answer a question from the congregation and i think he would and i hope our congregation would embrace such an interruption...
God was with me in my struggles...there is NO DOUBT...God has walked with me...and let me know it too!! I tell the kids I have learned to pay attention...and watch for God...he is real and he is here!!
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