comfy old sweater

I know it is May but the past few months have been so cold.  At the flea market last weekend, it was really cold one morning and I slipped on an old sweater that was laying on a sale table.  I ended up wearing it home and it has become my new late night keeping warm garmet.

Old comfy sweaters are just that "comfy".   There is nothing better, OK maybe there is, but it is the comfy factor.  I am sure everyone has that one piece of wardrobe that they put on when they want to chill, or first thing when they walk through the door in the evening.

It is that piece of clothing that lets you know it is time to relax.  My marriage was like that...it was comfortable...I felt relaxed when I walked in the door at night after a long and hard day.
My faith was like that, too...I hate to admit that but it was...I was comfortable in it.  I was like that, too.  I was comfortable being me. 

The divorce and adultery brought all of that comfort falling down around me.  I always say it is like everything you ever believed in was put in a bag, shaken and poured out.  You don't know what is real, what is truth, what is a lie. 

I can now say...I know what is real, I know what is the truth.  My faith has been tested and has passed with flying colors.  I will share my faith story with anyone that will listen... which means I have grown.  I truly think you are never closer to God than when you are in sorrow and pain.  But coming out the other side you suddenly realize you can see the truth and you can easily spot a lie...You know what is real and what is truth.  There is no comfort anymore except that green sweater I bought.  I will never be "just comfortable" in anything any more...I don't want to be.

chasing your tail

I talk a lot about my dogs but they are very entertaining!!  Lil' Guy...the youngest and nuttiest will chase his tail...you think after the 100th time he would catch on that this is not possible and it hurts when he does catch it...

Around and around...even when he is going to sleep at nigiht he goes around and around...settling in...until he is almost right on top of me...then he snuggles down and slowly his eyes droop...

This divorce has been like chasing my tail...just by reading these posts I am sure you can see how I go round and around on the emotional merry-go-round...I am doing better...then I hit a rough spot...I get real confident again...then hit a wall...on and off the merry-go-round...i read and learn...hit the bottom and then bounce back...i am hoping it will get better..soon it will be two years since Mark started his affair with a woman he dated in college and looked up on Facebook...and invited her to lunch which started it all...of course I knew none of this...it is amazing how you can live with someone for 32 years and not have a clue what they are doing when they are not with you or who they are doing it with.

I always thought I was a smart and independant woman...didn't need anything but I found when this happened Mark was my rock...he kept the home fires burning while I traveled and enjoyed my job.  I didn't know he wasn't happy...I didn't have a clue...my tail chasing started early...I was chasing it back then as I tried to keep everyone happy from family to work to church...I tried to keep it all juggling and he is the ball that fell.

I am so sorry for dropping that ball...I am sad for all that was lost...forgive me my kids, forgive me my grandkids...I love you all..and am so sorry for the part I had in causing you pain...

Lora and I had a real heart to heart the other day and discussed my part in the marriage failing how I didn't have or make time for Mark...and I do realize that was my sin...I didn't want to be home ...i found the joy in my life in other places...not with him...I am so sad, I am paying for my sins...

God has shown me the greed I had...he has shown me the importance I put on my church, my job and my home...I now know I don't need any of it...I am willing to give it all up and move and start over...I don't need any of it...the home, the job...none of it matters...only my God and family...i know my priorities...

Where do I go from here...where God leads me.

The Shack

Prior to everything (do you see my life revolves around prior to the affair and following the affair?) I read the book "The Shack" and loved it.  It took on a whole new meaning following the affair.

One day my friend Leslie at work said "guess who is coming to Charleston...Paul Young...he wrote 'The Shack'...we have to plan on going to see him."  So, my daughter-in-law Jennifer, Leslie and I went to see him speak.  What a night...the witness was unreal...his story of how a couple of friends published this book and distributed it out of their garage to it becoming a world-wide phenomenon...is amazing...

also amazing was his story of cheating on his wife of many years...how his ego outgrew himself and how he struggled with all of it...and his relationship with God...and now 9 years later she is just starting to trust him again...she is just starting to love him again...what a fool he had been and how he let his pride and ego get in the way of all that he loved...his kids, his wife and his life...what a revelation...

we all sat shocked and stunned and cried...we stayed after and got our books signed and left saying "wow' we have just witnessed a God moment...God was in that place as he talked...you expected the witness from him about the book...but not the personal witness of his life struggles...the same struggles I was dealing with but from the other side...of the prideful and egotistical cheater...

it was special these special friends were with me and experienced it with me.

It was a revelation to me...I came home and sat down and packaged the book with a note that said Read this book and started to send it to Mark...but that little God voice inside my head said...stop...don't...the time is not right for this...he won't get it...listen to me...so I did... it still sits packaged ready to go when I get the word from God...

If you haven't read The Shack go out and buy it today and meet the father, son and holy ghost.  All three in ways you won't believe in a story of forgiveness...

Blessings today...

lent is around the corner

Ash Wednesday is this week...the start of the lenten season in the church year...I am giving up something this year...no more bad mouthing Mark McHenry within these pages...you all hold me to it...and make sure I give it up for Lent!

Today Greg preached on the transfiguration...and his message was once again for me...he talked about having patience...wait in faith and God's purpose for our life will become clear...after time passes then we understand why it happened how it did...Hard times require patience to see and understand why...

My reading for the day from daily reflections in Alive Now...As Jesus starts into this season we will see him in the desert, betrayed and bearing sorrow...

My patience is just about shot...so I needed that reminder.
Lora reminds me constantly to be still and listen...and I don't have the patience...I want to know NOW...what do you want me to do Lord? Where am I to go Lord...

God of fire and cloud, keep me close when I travel through wildernesses of sadness and sorrow.
Amen.

i've thought about death

In the very beginning of this journey, I thought about death...it would have been so much easier to just take the pain away...to take a few too many pills, to run the car into a ditch at a high speed, to use a gun...one time and I would be free of the pain...all gone..

I asked my counselor...and he said ...that's normal....when you get to the planning and really considering it then we need to worry about you...but, he said...I don't think I have to worry about you...do I have wimp written all over me? I really did think about it...for several days in the black of the fog.

I also thought how awful it would make Mark feel...he would be sorry he did this to me...little did I know this man wouldn't feel sorry for anything he did...my death would have given him a way out...big time...glad I didn't do it!  I wanted him to suffer....he doesn't.

My lawyer gave me the scenario she has seen over and over...he will move in with the girlfriend...marry her and after several years...he will be in her office asking her to help him get a second divorce...it is textbook...one day that relationship gets older and it happens faster and he goes looking for the next one...the books I read talk about sucking the life out of you and moving on to the next person, who doesn't know him and sucking the life out of her...they call him a narcassitic sociopath.  I agree.
I have a confession to make...I always thought he would come back...it has just hit me recently and I think the finality has finally hit that he isn't ever coming back.  I always thought we could work through this...we have for 32 year...all the ups and downs...we made it through...but he isn't coming back...

One of the things my counselor had me do was make a list of all of the things Mark would have to do before I would consider reconciliation and the list was very long...very long...including giving up his girlfriend, making up with the boys...and on and on...those things could never happen because of his pride and ego.
His famous line was "You know I am always right"...No he isn't...not in any of it... is he right.

Death is not the answer....reconciliation is not the answer...peace and forgiveness is the answer I have to find...and just when I think I find it...it leaves me....just out of my grasp....but one day...one day...with God's help...I will get there.

play it again sam

Why will it never go away?

You know I can be having a great day...cruising right along and then it will hit me and I will break down...the destruction of the marriage...the hurt...the pain...I just don't get it.

As you know, I like answers...I like to know why things are happening...so WHY does it always come back?  And why does it come back when it does?

Nick would tell me to think about this...it isn't as often and it doesn't send me to bed for a week like it did in the beginning...but why does it keep haunting me?

Mark was a jerk...he was a liar...he was a cheat....he did something that went against all I believed in...why would I waste my time even giving him a second of my brain space??  Was it because for 32 years this was normal?  I felt that what we had was perfect?  I trusted him for 32 years?  I didn't think he could do something like this? I feel like aliens invaded the body of the man I loved.  That I don't matter now. 

I sometimes wonder if it is just the competition of the chase...someone else got what I had.  How psycho is that!  I watched a movie the other night about a teenage boy who checked himself into a mental hospital to just get away from it all and have a rest from parents and the world...Sometimes I think I would love to do that.

This sucks...I don't want to play it over and over.  I want to move on.  I want the good life I know is right around the corner...right within my reach...I want that...but I can't get past the past.

Pray for me.

why lament? why repent?

Last night we had a disciple bible study class...I love to learn about the history of God's people while applying it to my life.  They are very similar. Human kind has not changed in all of these years.  Poor God, how many times do you think he would love to say...stop your whining...grow up....it isn't about you.

We reviewed lamentations...God's chosen people blamed God for every woe they had after their exile...he didn't listen to their prayers, he discarded them like trash, he watched them suffer...all of those lines start with "He" did this to me...."He" brought this on me...not until later in the chapter do you see repentance.  After all of the wailing and "woe" they figure out maybe I better repent...maybe not for the right reasons...but they start seeing maybe this was the result of something they did.  So they say "forgive me, Lord".

Only after that repentance do they find recovery and hope and do they listen to the commandments of God and what they are told to do. Through suffering they find God.  He ends by saying Call out and I will be listening.  I never forsake you.

OK, I have to say it, does this sound like me or what...of course no one's pain is as bad as yours...but my suffering has led to me first blaming and questioning God...followed by me looking at my part in this...what did I do to bring this on?  Could I have been a better spouse? To finally seeing there is hope in my future if I follow and listen to God.  If I put him first I can survive.

A lament is a prayer that expresses sorrow or it means to mourn out loud.  So I thought I would write my own lament.  Lucky you, I am going to share it with you.  Here goes my stab at a Psalm of Lament.

God, why do you let bad things happen? Why do you let those that hurt us walk around as if they are superior and all is fine and dandy? My husband has become my ex.  He was my true love, I loved him with my whole heart for a lifetime.  Was that the problem? I loved him more than you? Are you a jealous God?  Did you allow this to happen to me because in some unknown way I had deceived you? I did something I didn't even realize offended you?  I want to know WHY from you, God and from Mark.  WHY did this happen to me?
I believed you would always protect me.  I believed he would always love me.  I believed you would always cover my heart, keep it from ever breaking.  I did your work.  I did what you called me to do.  My heart is broken.  A million shards of glass.
Help me Lord to heal.  How do you heal a broken heart?  How do you mend something that can't be seen?
Will the hurt ever go away? I ask you to take it.  Take the hurt.  Take the pain.  Never let it happen again. Once in a lifetime is enough, isn't it?  Never let me hurt like this ever again.  But through the suffering I have found you Lord.  Through the pain I have met you.  Through the betrayal and hurt you lifted me up and loved me.  I know you in ways I never knew you.  Thank you for loving me through it all.
Amen and Amen

friends

"I get by with a little help from my friends."
- John Lennon
This year I got by with a lot of help from my friends.  This past year friendships have been formed that will last a lifetime.  God has blessed me with friends, good friends.  They are all different and all the same in the fact they support and love me. To my friends the feeling is mutual.

Lora:  Lora was one of the first to find out.  We sat on a picnic table at a park and she let me cry my eyes out.  She held me and told me what to expect.  But it is what followed during the months of fear and shame.  She sent me scripture whenever she thought of me. Always texted me at a time when I needed it...God moments...and the scripture was always on target.  It was what I needed to hear God saying.  What is so funny, we would have probably never been good friends if not for this.  I knew her from a mission trip with the kids but that was it...God brought her to me...she had been through a similar situation when she had to rely on God.  She gave me strength.  She also gave me a statue of a person within the hand of God (someone gave it to her during a difficult time in her life) and it took center stage in my bedroom.  I held it often. Recently I returned the favor and gave it back to her as she struggled with her husband's health.  We've agreed we will pass it as needed.  I think our friendship has also had an affect on our youth.  They see our way with each other, they see our support of each other.  They see what friendship is about.  She is a forever friend.

Angie and Lynette:  They go hand in hand.  I called them and asked them to meet me at Tim Horton's right before I was due to go back to the youth group and told them all that had happened.  They knew both Mark and me, through their kids and the youth group.  They listened, asked questions and became rocks for me.  I remember so plainly the first time we went out together and  the lump that was in my stomach and sitting eating lunch all the while thinking I was going to puke at any minute.  They have walked this road with me...we get together every Monday night at Tim Horton's for "therapy".  We talk about EVERYTHING.  They know it all.  They too will be my friends forever.

Mona:  Mona works with me and she is the person who knows how to find out everything.  She is amazing and I don't know how she does it.  She is great because Mona can build you up when you are feeling like the scum of the earth.  She would look at me and say "Pick that chin up" "Stand up and be proud" She would make me take pictures for Facebook.  She would say "look at you"...If there was a cheerleader through this it was Mona....thank you so much.

Leslie F:  If I would ask her I know Leslie would kick his a$$ in a minute.  She would put a hit on him if I asked.  You need that kind of friend....the one that calls him every name in the book right along with you. Leslie is also the one who read a tarot card and told me someone was having an affair.  We cried together when it came true.

What is so funny... all of these ladies are as different as they come...different personalities, different backgrounds, different ideas but they are all really good Christians.  Not only did they build me up I know they prayed for me constantly. 

Lastly is my church family....when we moved to Winfield five years ago I remember telling Mark I would never leave my church.  So even though I travel far to church they are my family.  That is where I go to be filled with the love of God.  That is where I go to feel strength.  I get hugs from the ladies of the church.  I've been given words of wisdom.  I've been invited for dinners.  I've been loved.  Not only the ladies but the youth have surrounded me with love.  We have definitely become closer because of this ordeal we all went through together.

I would have never been close to any of these people without the suffering I went through.  Didn't I mention that God takes our suffering and turns it into beauty, kindness and something good? Yes he has.

Thank you my dear friends.

God grieves with us

I turned on my  television this morning and Joyce Meyer was on...I love her...she is so blunt and down to earth...and you can understand and relate to her message.

This morning it was forgiveness.  How appropriate after yesterday's tirade..She talked about Joseph who was sold into slavery by his brothers who eventually came to him for their survival.  After this he lived for 110 years...After tragedy he had a long and prosperous life.  This story proves there is life after tragedy...there are many stories in the bible, Job, Jacob where tragedy leads to a long and prosperous life.  She said this morning God will use the evil that happens to us to help us grow and develop in him.  Wow... I know in my heart I have grown...I know I've grown closer to God. Something else I read this week confirms this by saying, We lose closeness to God when there is no sorrow in our life.  I do know  during this tragedy I feel like I know God inside and out and he knows me the same way.  When the suffering ends will we still be this close?

Every day I have Mark and Kathy and their families on my prayer list and I grudgingly pray for them to find peace.  I think grudgingly is the key word here.  Joyce this morning says pray about the stuff you don't want to pray about.  If you don't want to pray about it...you need to...Maybe I better take those grudge prayers and make them true prayers.

Hating is hard work.  It takes a lot of our energy.  I know that and most days are good, most days I am happy and realize this is a good thing and I look forward to my future and all it will bring...but sometimes the hatred just comes...out of the blue and for no reason....and I am drained following...when you give the devil a foothold he grabs on, doesn't he.

I think about God grieving with me...he doesn't want bad things to happen to us but when they do he is with us and he grieves, too.  He grieved for the lose of those two marriages and the covenant of both said in his presence.  He grieves for the four grown children that were affected and their families...he grieves for the three small grandchildren that know something is wrong and their security and life has changed.  God accepts the grief and joins us in it.  But this is the good thing...he also transforms that grief and from it comes peace, kindness and something beautiful...I am looking forward to that time but for now I will find peace in knowing God is grieving with me.

my boys

I can not say enough about my boys...through this whole ordeal they have been the adults...I always say I must have done something right or they raised me right I'm not sure which...I had a God moment with my son Nick.  In April of 2009 he came to my husband and I and told us he had the opportunity to take a job in the state of Washington and wanted to know what to do.  He was struggling and wanted our advice.  I am a person who has always believed in bettering yourself and understand the drive he has to do so but also knew he didn't want to leave family.  In the end he turned down the job and kicked himself for it for months...he just felt the time wasn't right.  Four months later my marriage fell apart and he and Jennifer became my rocks.  When I didn't show up at work Jennifer would come over, check on me, turned on those bedroom lights and brought me food...late at night on those bad nights Nick would show up out of the blue.  I could not have survived without their love and support.  Nick always says "I know now why I didn't go to Washington."  Last year, out of the blue the man he had contact with in Washington called him and said...would you think about the job again? We've had one open up...I said "Go" you have been a good son and you are being rewarded...this summer (2010) he and the family had the opportunity to go to Washington .  The kids got to experience it and they found they could live there.  I am excited for this move and once again see God's hand in all of it.  Nick has been blessed for the good deed he did for me...for being a good son.
Remember what God told me in that Kroger parking lot...you are blessed for the good deeds you do...
I  tell the grandkids they can't get rid of me that easily...I will be a perminant fixture by visiting often...I love Walla Walla...and look forward to what the future brings...