I was reading this morning and came across a line from Psalms 56:8. It says that God keeps our tears on his scrolls. Can you imagine how long that scroll must be? I think of mine just from this past year. It is looooong!
It amazes me at how well God knows me. He knew me in the womb. He knew me when I was being knitted together. He knew this would happen to me. He knows when I will take my last breath. He knows ME. Better than any man, he knows what I like, what I don't like and what I am like. He knows my heart.
As we head into Valentines Day, I think about the love I have from those that know me as well as God....my boys...have loved me unconditionally this past year. In the past they would tease me unmercifully and a little meanly...but this past year there has been nothing but love. Hugs at unexpected times and love notes just because...calls that say "just thinking of you"...texts that say "hey"
I have watched them find love for each other. They have always loved each other but there has always been a bit of sibling rivalry...ok a lot...it is amazing how both boys think I love the other more! Through this ordeal they have found their man relationship with each other. I know they talk privately about their dad...about his girlfriend...they keep things from me...they talk it over sometimes before they tell me things he's done...they double team me...they are maturing with each other and I seldom here about liking the other more.
My daughter-in-laws. I had a wonderful mother-in-law...she taught me how to be a mother-in-law. She died not knowing what her son had done...at his choice. She would have kicked his a$$. She was sometimes my number one supporter and always built me up. I have a great example to follow. These two girls are really like daughters to me. Jennifer came to us shy and young and I have watched her blossom into this amazing woman. We have "wine nights" together. We talk and discuss. I value her opinion which she will give freely. She loves to cook and read. Sarah, has been with me a short time but I was there to help her birth this new baby. I held a puke bag, and watched my granddaughter's birth. I agreed to cut the umbilical chord when we thought Justin would pass out. She had that much confidence in me. We are forever bound by that event.
My grandkids...I could go on forever about them as only a good grandma can. Zack, who wears his heart on his sleeve. His constant talk. His love of sports. Watching him grow up. He is now 9...I remember the day he was born. Taylor who is such a spitfire. Nothing gets to her. She is fearless. She can do anything. She is mini-me. Lilah who's personality is just now forming already has my "sausage legs" as her daddy calls them and the McHenry mouth. Even though she does not know she has a pappy Mark she carries a trait of his.
I wonder sometimes if Mark realizes all he is missing, all he has given up, the love of these boys. Who will teach them to be good men? Just this experience itself has taught them to be better men. Watching how two families have been completely torn apart they have reacted by saying...I will never hurt someone like this...ever... They talk about selfishness. They look at themselves and their own actions...and gauge them against this life changing event.
I laugh as my life is now measured by BA (before the affair) and AA (after the affair).
For Christmas Jennifer gave me a calendar she had put together of our past year. As I looked at it I realized what a wonderful year we've had. It put the year into perspective. Family events and get togethers. We have changed. Our family has re-adjusted and it is a new unit. We have found our way through this to make this new family. Dynamics have changed. Sometimes those tears come out of the blue when I think of all that is lost and God collects them in his scroll but he has also blessed me with the love that balances those tears.
God is good all the time. Happy Valentine's Day...Happy Love Day.
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