alone

One of the hardest things about divorce is being alone...I love my family and spend lots of time talking to and being with them, I love my friends and the time I spend with them... but it is the every day alone.  My poor dogs...they hear it all...

I am a chatterer...I tell you all of it...I tell you everything...there is nothing you don't hear...and Mark would listen...he didn't always respond but he was there...a body to bounce things off of...a body to vent to...someone to discuss with...politics, family, religion...we could talk about anything ( seems we didn't talk about his unhappiness).  And he knew the background...when I fussed about my mother....he knew where I was coming from.

Now, I like my quiet time, too...I used to always get up early, even when the kids were home, just to have my quiet time...to read and meditate...

And to all of you women who wish he would just go away so you could do what you wanted...don't...it isn't all it's cracked up to be.

There is one upside...finding out you can do anything...things you never expected or thought you could do.
Climb under the house and find a leak...cutting the grass on a hill with the tractor (that's another story), buying a car, getting your own insurance, figuring out how to pay for something, budgeting your money...
The first time I started the tractor I was so proud of myself...and getting it to cut grass..I was a genius!!

But I do worry about things...health, who will take me for a colonoscopy (can you imagine!!), who will take care of my dogs if something happens (I have actually considered adopting a few of them out), money is a constant worry,  what if my job would suddenly end?  What if I got deathly sick...I can go on and on.

The book of Matthew tells us: Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?
²⁶"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ²⁸And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

That's my answer and that is my hope...and I don't know better than God...I am sure you are starting to see a pattern here...I know what I should do...I know what I need to do....but it is hard to do it...but life would be so much easier if I gave it all to him...I remember Mark asking me...how can you sleep so soundly at night...don't you worry...well I didn't then...but I do now....

Alone is not all it's cracked up to be...