bay bridge

Bay Bridge

Yesterday I came across the Bay Bridge.  Talk about fear.  It scares me to death! Going toward the Md. shore...there are barriers up and you can't see the bay below.  But coming back toward Washington DC there are no barriers and you can see the water below.  I can taste the fear...it is so scary.

I got in the middle lane and closed my eyes...not really... but I kept focused on the car in front of me and wouldn't look down. But sometimes I just can't resist...and look...yikes!!! I hold my breath and just move forward.

It is the same way I have felt since the divorce.  I am so scared I can physically feel the fear.  There is a constant knot in my stomach.  I am afraid to go forward.  I know I need to.   I know it is time.  The world is moving on, my kids are moving on, Mark is moving on and here I sit.  Still crying at night...still fearful that I am not going to survive.  No one knows how I feel.  No one knows the pain, still after all this time. 

What do I need to do?  Just like the bridge I need to consentrate on what is ahead of me and move forward.  Hold my breath and move forward.  Don't look down, just move.  Sometimes I question God because I really believed he would bring Mark back to me.  I know I don't want that...but why do I feel like I do?  I struggle and I search, still.  All I can do is ask God to be with me.