know nothing know everything

One of the things I've said from the beginning of Mark's affair was I wanted to know nothing and I wanted to know everything.
At work I am a firm believer in "don't gossip" but know everything because you never know what may affect you.  I hate to be blindsided!!

I am the same in my personal life.  I hate to be blindsided and I truly was by Mark's actions. In the beginning I wanted to know everything at the same time I wanted to know nothing.  I wanted to know how they met, where they met, what they did, who saw them, who knew, who paid for it all, how many times, what was her number? what did she drive? what did her husband know? what did her family know? How was her family reacting to this?

To not wanting to know any of it.  But all of these questions keep running through your mind.  I would write them down.  Mark in the beginning told me (I think) everything but once the affair continued he revealed nothing.  After he moved out I asked him to tell me why.  That was all I wanted and I think I was entitled to  but he didn't want to discuss anything.  I had a counselor tell me "secret keepers" are good at it, they've been doing it awhile.

Even today I don't want to know anything.  I used to look down his street, or looked to see if his car was parked at work but there came a day when I realized, this only hurt me so I stopped.  I purposefully look the other way now in both instances. 

The boys have gotten to the point they seldom discuss him with me and Justin and I have agreed there will be no discussion.  He does not exist.  I don't know how healthy that is but it works right now for us at this point in our lives.  I am sure it will not be like this forever.

Don't we feel the same way about God?  We want all of our questions about him answered? Why he allows things to happen? Why things are the way they are? Why does the sun shine? We want to know it all so we won't be blindsided.  But we don't want to know anything...I don't want to know when I will die...I don't want to know any more bad things that will happen.  This is where faith comes in...we have to believe in what we can not touch and feel.  We just have to believe.

I listen to Joyce Meyers every morning on my way to work and she said this morning...we can't get over there except to go through here!  The only way out is through.  So I have to go through this to get to the other side.  I have to endure and build and have faith to get through this.  I will survive!