comfy old sweater

I know it is May but the past few months have been so cold.  At the flea market last weekend, it was really cold one morning and I slipped on an old sweater that was laying on a sale table.  I ended up wearing it home and it has become my new late night keeping warm garmet.

Old comfy sweaters are just that "comfy".   There is nothing better, OK maybe there is, but it is the comfy factor.  I am sure everyone has that one piece of wardrobe that they put on when they want to chill, or first thing when they walk through the door in the evening.

It is that piece of clothing that lets you know it is time to relax.  My marriage was like that...it was comfortable...I felt relaxed when I walked in the door at night after a long and hard day.
My faith was like that, too...I hate to admit that but it was...I was comfortable in it.  I was like that, too.  I was comfortable being me. 

The divorce and adultery brought all of that comfort falling down around me.  I always say it is like everything you ever believed in was put in a bag, shaken and poured out.  You don't know what is real, what is truth, what is a lie. 

I can now say...I know what is real, I know what is the truth.  My faith has been tested and has passed with flying colors.  I will share my faith story with anyone that will listen... which means I have grown.  I truly think you are never closer to God than when you are in sorrow and pain.  But coming out the other side you suddenly realize you can see the truth and you can easily spot a lie...You know what is real and what is truth.  There is no comfort anymore except that green sweater I bought.  I will never be "just comfortable" in anything any more...I don't want to be.

sex, lies and videotapes

That was the title of a movie and I just thought I would use it...you won't find much sex or videotapes but lots of lies.

I relive those lies all the time...and I kick myself...why didn't I know...why didn't I see it...did I just not want to?  Two years later and I still question and search for answers.

In May of 2009 we went on a family cruise to Bermuda...at the time the affair had started...I was on the elevator taking the grand kids to the kid's room and saw Mark sprinting through the hall like a crazy man...if you knew him he never sprinted...I said something to him and he said he set up an email account and was keeping in contact with work.  I remember saying...Are you having an affair...his response was always "When would I have time"...that was true...the man was always home...I forgot about lunch hours.

That trip he bought perfume for the girls at work.  How stupid can I be?

One day I hugged him when he came in from work and he smelled like perfume and I mentioned it...he said it was lotion that Marie had on her desk at work...once again how stupid...since when do you put lotion on your neck?

I could go on and on...the classic signs..weight loss, worrying about how he looked, leaving for work earlier and earlier, hidden cell phone calls and texts, hidden facebook pages, hidden email accounts...the excuses for them all...Make note ladies...classic signs.

I relive those things at the stupidest times...sometimes they re-play themselves over and over again...two years later and I can't turn off my brain...is there something wrong with me?...I always thought I was pretty bright...a go-getter...could reason out situations...could figure things out...I have a brain...

I also always felt like I took a vow before God and God expected me to uphold that vow forever...I remember all of those divorce scripture...

“But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”

Mark 10:2-12

 

Corinthians says:  Do not divorce your husband...and I did...I initiated it..when I found out he would not give up Kathy (who he will soon marry) I did it...did I do wrong? Did I go against what God has set forth for us?

I do doubt sometimes.  I wonder if I did the right thing...was I being selfish?  was I being as self-centered as I blame him for being?  Was I being punished? I would always go back to the 10 Commandments and think they committed about 8 of them...Kathy was married at the time so not only my vow before God but hers too.  I took that vow forever.  I remember her husband saying to me...She is leaving me to do God's work...and he laughed and said "I didn't know God's work was adultery." (I just re-read this and realized that comment is snarky but I'm not taking it out...a little bitterness today)

 

My counselor, a Christian counselor, reassured me and gave me scripture that said...Adultery is the only reason...God understands infidelity...he understands betrayal...his time on earth taught him about human beings and how they will lie and cheat.

 

But the questions always come...the kick myself in the butt times...the whys? the hows?  the how stupids!

 

And then there is my Jeremiah 29:11scripture...I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you and give you a future and hope.

 

The books all say....No looking back, its over... look forward only ...but tell my brain and my heart that.