sex, lies and videotapes

That was the title of a movie and I just thought I would use it...you won't find much sex or videotapes but lots of lies.

I relive those lies all the time...and I kick myself...why didn't I know...why didn't I see it...did I just not want to?  Two years later and I still question and search for answers.

In May of 2009 we went on a family cruise to Bermuda...at the time the affair had started...I was on the elevator taking the grand kids to the kid's room and saw Mark sprinting through the hall like a crazy man...if you knew him he never sprinted...I said something to him and he said he set up an email account and was keeping in contact with work.  I remember saying...Are you having an affair...his response was always "When would I have time"...that was true...the man was always home...I forgot about lunch hours.

That trip he bought perfume for the girls at work.  How stupid can I be?

One day I hugged him when he came in from work and he smelled like perfume and I mentioned it...he said it was lotion that Marie had on her desk at work...once again how stupid...since when do you put lotion on your neck?

I could go on and on...the classic signs..weight loss, worrying about how he looked, leaving for work earlier and earlier, hidden cell phone calls and texts, hidden facebook pages, hidden email accounts...the excuses for them all...Make note ladies...classic signs.

I relive those things at the stupidest times...sometimes they re-play themselves over and over again...two years later and I can't turn off my brain...is there something wrong with me?...I always thought I was pretty bright...a go-getter...could reason out situations...could figure things out...I have a brain...

I also always felt like I took a vow before God and God expected me to uphold that vow forever...I remember all of those divorce scripture...

“But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”

Mark 10:2-12

 

Corinthians says:  Do not divorce your husband...and I did...I initiated it..when I found out he would not give up Kathy (who he will soon marry) I did it...did I do wrong? Did I go against what God has set forth for us?

I do doubt sometimes.  I wonder if I did the right thing...was I being selfish?  was I being as self-centered as I blame him for being?  Was I being punished? I would always go back to the 10 Commandments and think they committed about 8 of them...Kathy was married at the time so not only my vow before God but hers too.  I took that vow forever.  I remember her husband saying to me...She is leaving me to do God's work...and he laughed and said "I didn't know God's work was adultery." (I just re-read this and realized that comment is snarky but I'm not taking it out...a little bitterness today)

 

My counselor, a Christian counselor, reassured me and gave me scripture that said...Adultery is the only reason...God understands infidelity...he understands betrayal...his time on earth taught him about human beings and how they will lie and cheat.

 

But the questions always come...the kick myself in the butt times...the whys? the hows?  the how stupids!

 

And then there is my Jeremiah 29:11scripture...I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you and give you a future and hope.

 

The books all say....No looking back, its over... look forward only ...but tell my brain and my heart that. 

 

 

be still and know I am God

It is absolutely beautiful here today...sunshine and warm...I was home sick yesterday...I have the crud...today is a new day...so I am cleaning out gardens and my garage.  That is my goal for today.

As I am cutting back butterfly bushes and coughing and hacking I am finding little sprouts of new life.
Awesome....that groundhog was right I think...spring is on the way.

New beginnings...I've had some epiphany's the past few days as I laid in bed and had a movie marathon coughing and hacking...I have decided I need a new job...financially times are tough, I want to leave here soon and it is time to take control.  I have been cruising along long enough...I need to start building...building money, building knowledge and building my self esteem...i always like a plan, I like to take charge, to take control.  I remember telling Aslam that when he asked me to take on children's ministry at the church and he told me...maybe that was why God was calling me...I needed to learn patience and giving up control.  Wow was he every right...but do I ever learn...NOOOO.

I talked to Lora this morning and she told me not to jump when I am angry but to be still and listen.  I told you she always sends me scripture...Today is was Psalms 37:7-9.  It talks about "be still and listen to the Lord...stop being angry...turn from your rage...the wicked is destroyed and those that trust the Lord will carry on".

Why is it so hard to trust the Lord?  I think it is because to me...he is slow...I want it NOW...i want things to happen right NOW! I am not patient. I told you I like control... Maybe that is what the Lord is teaching me...to be patient...I've told you through all of this he has said " Trust me...let me do my work."  Why is that so hard to do...maybe it's the weather the last few days...I don't want to trust, I don't want to stay still, I want to move...

OK...so I will just use all of this energy and clean...gardens, garages, bedrooms, toys...all the while being still and knowing he or she is God.

friends

"I get by with a little help from my friends."
- John Lennon
This year I got by with a lot of help from my friends.  This past year friendships have been formed that will last a lifetime.  God has blessed me with friends, good friends.  They are all different and all the same in the fact they support and love me. To my friends the feeling is mutual.

Lora:  Lora was one of the first to find out.  We sat on a picnic table at a park and she let me cry my eyes out.  She held me and told me what to expect.  But it is what followed during the months of fear and shame.  She sent me scripture whenever she thought of me. Always texted me at a time when I needed it...God moments...and the scripture was always on target.  It was what I needed to hear God saying.  What is so funny, we would have probably never been good friends if not for this.  I knew her from a mission trip with the kids but that was it...God brought her to me...she had been through a similar situation when she had to rely on God.  She gave me strength.  She also gave me a statue of a person within the hand of God (someone gave it to her during a difficult time in her life) and it took center stage in my bedroom.  I held it often. Recently I returned the favor and gave it back to her as she struggled with her husband's health.  We've agreed we will pass it as needed.  I think our friendship has also had an affect on our youth.  They see our way with each other, they see our support of each other.  They see what friendship is about.  She is a forever friend.

Angie and Lynette:  They go hand in hand.  I called them and asked them to meet me at Tim Horton's right before I was due to go back to the youth group and told them all that had happened.  They knew both Mark and me, through their kids and the youth group.  They listened, asked questions and became rocks for me.  I remember so plainly the first time we went out together and  the lump that was in my stomach and sitting eating lunch all the while thinking I was going to puke at any minute.  They have walked this road with me...we get together every Monday night at Tim Horton's for "therapy".  We talk about EVERYTHING.  They know it all.  They too will be my friends forever.

Mona:  Mona works with me and she is the person who knows how to find out everything.  She is amazing and I don't know how she does it.  She is great because Mona can build you up when you are feeling like the scum of the earth.  She would look at me and say "Pick that chin up" "Stand up and be proud" She would make me take pictures for Facebook.  She would say "look at you"...If there was a cheerleader through this it was Mona....thank you so much.

Leslie F:  If I would ask her I know Leslie would kick his a$$ in a minute.  She would put a hit on him if I asked.  You need that kind of friend....the one that calls him every name in the book right along with you. Leslie is also the one who read a tarot card and told me someone was having an affair.  We cried together when it came true.

What is so funny... all of these ladies are as different as they come...different personalities, different backgrounds, different ideas but they are all really good Christians.  Not only did they build me up I know they prayed for me constantly. 

Lastly is my church family....when we moved to Winfield five years ago I remember telling Mark I would never leave my church.  So even though I travel far to church they are my family.  That is where I go to be filled with the love of God.  That is where I go to feel strength.  I get hugs from the ladies of the church.  I've been given words of wisdom.  I've been invited for dinners.  I've been loved.  Not only the ladies but the youth have surrounded me with love.  We have definitely become closer because of this ordeal we all went through together.

I would have never been close to any of these people without the suffering I went through.  Didn't I mention that God takes our suffering and turns it into beauty, kindness and something good? Yes he has.

Thank you my dear friends.

scripture in the strangest places!

Many times it is through scripture reading that God speaks.  Scripture has been my friend through this as I search for answers...It is the age old question of why bad things happen to good people...that may be a bit pretentious but I try to be good...As I said, in the beginning it was Job and that was depressing but I read a lot of God's replies to Job...those "who do you think you are" scriptures...which humbled me...but I know my God is a loving God, so I wanted the reassurance which is when I turned to the Psalms.  David was a jerk but he also was attuned to God.  Psalm 23 became about hardships more than death for me. Psalm 139 reassured me that God knows ME.  He knows what is happening with ME...and has from the beginning.

My friend Lora would text me scripture whenever she thought of me...Jeremiah 29:11 became my mantra ...'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, ' plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' What peace you can find in that!! As I type that scripture is hanging in front of me and in my car it is on my dash.

With healing came different scripture...Proverbs has such wisdom!  Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer turns away wrath..." and Isaiah brings hope, "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength."

Years ago Traci got me a little box full of tiny little cards with daily scripture reading and I started reading one every morning and going to my bible and looking up what is around it...also there is a prayer on the other side of the little card...it is usually right on target with what I am feeling...

Last night around 2:00am I let the dogs out and as I slipped back in bed there was something stuck to my butt...guess what...it was one of those little cards from my daily scripture reading...so I figured God really wanted me to get this one!!! Matthew 5:4 " Blessed are they that mourn; for they will be comforted." 
 I was having one of those crying moments yesterday....someone said something nice to me (about my cleavage) and on the way home I burst into tears wondering why my husband never spoke to me like that and realizing I felt ugly for a long time...Maybe God is telling me...you've mourned and I've comforted...now move on girlfriend!!! Thank you Barry it wasn't sexual harassment and I did look in the mirror!!!
I think I can really say God gave me a kick in the butt...isn't he funny!!