chasing your tail

I talk a lot about my dogs but they are very entertaining!!  Lil' Guy...the youngest and nuttiest will chase his tail...you think after the 100th time he would catch on that this is not possible and it hurts when he does catch it...

Around and around...even when he is going to sleep at nigiht he goes around and around...settling in...until he is almost right on top of me...then he snuggles down and slowly his eyes droop...

This divorce has been like chasing my tail...just by reading these posts I am sure you can see how I go round and around on the emotional merry-go-round...I am doing better...then I hit a rough spot...I get real confident again...then hit a wall...on and off the merry-go-round...i read and learn...hit the bottom and then bounce back...i am hoping it will get better..soon it will be two years since Mark started his affair with a woman he dated in college and looked up on Facebook...and invited her to lunch which started it all...of course I knew none of this...it is amazing how you can live with someone for 32 years and not have a clue what they are doing when they are not with you or who they are doing it with.

I always thought I was a smart and independant woman...didn't need anything but I found when this happened Mark was my rock...he kept the home fires burning while I traveled and enjoyed my job.  I didn't know he wasn't happy...I didn't have a clue...my tail chasing started early...I was chasing it back then as I tried to keep everyone happy from family to work to church...I tried to keep it all juggling and he is the ball that fell.

I am so sorry for dropping that ball...I am sad for all that was lost...forgive me my kids, forgive me my grandkids...I love you all..and am so sorry for the part I had in causing you pain...

Lora and I had a real heart to heart the other day and discussed my part in the marriage failing how I didn't have or make time for Mark...and I do realize that was my sin...I didn't want to be home ...i found the joy in my life in other places...not with him...I am so sad, I am paying for my sins...

God has shown me the greed I had...he has shown me the importance I put on my church, my job and my home...I now know I don't need any of it...I am willing to give it all up and move and start over...I don't need any of it...the home, the job...none of it matters...only my God and family...i know my priorities...

Where do I go from here...where God leads me.

why lament? why repent?

Last night we had a disciple bible study class...I love to learn about the history of God's people while applying it to my life.  They are very similar. Human kind has not changed in all of these years.  Poor God, how many times do you think he would love to say...stop your whining...grow up....it isn't about you.

We reviewed lamentations...God's chosen people blamed God for every woe they had after their exile...he didn't listen to their prayers, he discarded them like trash, he watched them suffer...all of those lines start with "He" did this to me...."He" brought this on me...not until later in the chapter do you see repentance.  After all of the wailing and "woe" they figure out maybe I better repent...maybe not for the right reasons...but they start seeing maybe this was the result of something they did.  So they say "forgive me, Lord".

Only after that repentance do they find recovery and hope and do they listen to the commandments of God and what they are told to do. Through suffering they find God.  He ends by saying Call out and I will be listening.  I never forsake you.

OK, I have to say it, does this sound like me or what...of course no one's pain is as bad as yours...but my suffering has led to me first blaming and questioning God...followed by me looking at my part in this...what did I do to bring this on?  Could I have been a better spouse? To finally seeing there is hope in my future if I follow and listen to God.  If I put him first I can survive.

A lament is a prayer that expresses sorrow or it means to mourn out loud.  So I thought I would write my own lament.  Lucky you, I am going to share it with you.  Here goes my stab at a Psalm of Lament.

God, why do you let bad things happen? Why do you let those that hurt us walk around as if they are superior and all is fine and dandy? My husband has become my ex.  He was my true love, I loved him with my whole heart for a lifetime.  Was that the problem? I loved him more than you? Are you a jealous God?  Did you allow this to happen to me because in some unknown way I had deceived you? I did something I didn't even realize offended you?  I want to know WHY from you, God and from Mark.  WHY did this happen to me?
I believed you would always protect me.  I believed he would always love me.  I believed you would always cover my heart, keep it from ever breaking.  I did your work.  I did what you called me to do.  My heart is broken.  A million shards of glass.
Help me Lord to heal.  How do you heal a broken heart?  How do you mend something that can't be seen?
Will the hurt ever go away? I ask you to take it.  Take the hurt.  Take the pain.  Never let it happen again. Once in a lifetime is enough, isn't it?  Never let me hurt like this ever again.  But through the suffering I have found you Lord.  Through the pain I have met you.  Through the betrayal and hurt you lifted me up and loved me.  I know you in ways I never knew you.  Thank you for loving me through it all.
Amen and Amen

the blessing

After that ah ha moment...my friend Lora said to me...you have to find that blessing...and as you know you can find anything on the web.  So I started searching...remember the only word I remembered was something that sounded like Marakesh (as a kid of the 70's sounded like "Marakesh Express") so I went looking for anything that was close. What did I find? A blessing for a troubled heart....was that on target or what? I was blessed by the Lord or my special guardian angel...either way...I'll take it!!