Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts

Monday, April 4, 2011

bay bridge

Bay Bridge


Yesterday I came across the Bay Bridge.  Talk about fear.  It scares me to death! Going toward the Md. shore...there are barriers up and you can't see the bay below.  But coming back toward Washington DC there are no barriers and you can see the water below.  I can taste the fear...it is so scary.
I got in the middle lane and closed my eyes...not really... but I kept focused on the car in front of me and wouldn't look down. But sometimes I just can't resist...and look...yikes!!! I hold my breath and just move forward.

It is the same way I have felt since the divorce.  I am so scared I can physically feel the fear.  There is a constant knot in my stomach.  I am afraid to go forward.  I know I need to.   I know it is time.  The world is moving on, my kids are moving on, Mark is moving on and here I sit.  Still crying at night...still fearful that I am not going to survive.  No one knows how I feel.  No one knows the pain, still after all this time. 

What do I need to do?  Just like the bridge I need to consentrate on what is ahead of me and move forward.  Hold my breath and move forward.  Don't look down, just move.  Sometimes I question God because I really believed he would bring Mark back to me.  I know I don't want that...but why do I feel like I do?  I struggle and I search, still.  All I can do is ask God to be with me. 


Friday, February 18, 2011

friends

"I get by with a little help from my friends."
- John Lennon
This year I got by with a lot of help from my friends.  This past year friendships have been formed that will last a lifetime.  God has blessed me with friends, good friends.  They are all different and all the same in the fact they support and love me. To my friends the feeling is mutual.

Lora:  Lora was one of the first to find out.  We sat on a picnic table at a park and she let me cry my eyes out.  She held me and told me what to expect.  But it is what followed during the months of fear and shame.  She sent me scripture whenever she thought of me. Always texted me at a time when I needed it...God moments...and the scripture was always on target.  It was what I needed to hear God saying.  What is so funny, we would have probably never been good friends if not for this.  I knew her from a mission trip with the kids but that was it...God brought her to me...she had been through a similar situation when she had to rely on God.  She gave me strength.  She also gave me a statue of a person within the hand of God (someone gave it to her during a difficult time in her life) and it took center stage in my bedroom.  I held it often. Recently I returned the favor and gave it back to her as she struggled with her husband's health.  We've agreed we will pass it as needed.  I think our friendship has also had an affect on our youth.  They see our way with each other, they see our support of each other.  They see what friendship is about.  She is a forever friend.

Angie and Lynette:  They go hand in hand.  I called them and asked them to meet me at Tim Horton's right before I was due to go back to the youth group and told them all that had happened.  They knew both Mark and me, through their kids and the youth group.  They listened, asked questions and became rocks for me.  I remember so plainly the first time we went out together and  the lump that was in my stomach and sitting eating lunch all the while thinking I was going to puke at any minute.  They have walked this road with me...we get together every Monday night at Tim Horton's for "therapy".  We talk about EVERYTHING.  They know it all.  They too will be my friends forever.

Mona:  Mona works with me and she is the person who knows how to find out everything.  She is amazing and I don't know how she does it.  She is great because Mona can build you up when you are feeling like the scum of the earth.  She would look at me and say "Pick that chin up" "Stand up and be proud" She would make me take pictures for Facebook.  She would say "look at you"...If there was a cheerleader through this it was Mona....thank you so much.

Leslie F:  If I would ask her I know Leslie would kick his a$$ in a minute.  She would put a hit on him if I asked.  You need that kind of friend....the one that calls him every name in the book right along with you. Leslie is also the one who read a tarot card and told me someone was having an affair.  We cried together when it came true.

What is so funny... all of these ladies are as different as they come...different personalities, different backgrounds, different ideas but they are all really good Christians.  Not only did they build me up I know they prayed for me constantly. 

Lastly is my church family....when we moved to Winfield five years ago I remember telling Mark I would never leave my church.  So even though I travel far to church they are my family.  That is where I go to be filled with the love of God.  That is where I go to feel strength.  I get hugs from the ladies of the church.  I've been given words of wisdom.  I've been invited for dinners.  I've been loved.  Not only the ladies but the youth have surrounded me with love.  We have definitely become closer because of this ordeal we all went through together.

I would have never been close to any of these people without the suffering I went through.  Didn't I mention that God takes our suffering and turns it into beauty, kindness and something good? Yes he has.

Thank you my dear friends.