hot flash

Oh boy...turned on AC for the first time of the season and no AC...it is hot...inside and outside...
nothing cool about today...

We spent most of the day yesterday, Memorial Day Monday outside...in the sprinkler hooked up to the hose...cut grass and Taylor and I washed cars.YUK!! I was hot and sticky!

I came in at one point yesterday and one of the dogs was standing in front of the fan...that should tell you something.  None of them wanted to step out the door...it was pee fast and get back inside.

So this is what hell will be like...no thank you...I would not be able to stand this for an eternity...no way!!
So better turn this life in the right direction and do as I am told...

There is that new book out that makes hell sound OK...everyone is talking about it...well let me tell you...living in perpetual summer with no AC...I don't have to be told twice.

My life is changing right NOW!!!

what just happened?

i hate when I punch a button on my computer while writing this blog and suddenly everything I've written disappears....I don't understand...what did I just do?  What just happened? Where are these rules?  Who made up these things it does? Why did that just happen?

Where is it written that it will do this if you do this? I just don't get it...

Sort of like life...what did I do to get this?  Why did this happen? What are the rules now?  Who made this thing up? Soon it will be another year that has come and gone since my discovery of Mark's unfaithfulness.  So much has happened in this past year...Mark has re-married, the kids are leaving, I have a new grandbaby and I am dating.

I am amazed how it still hangs out there...how it is still there?...I had a long talk a few weeks ago with an older woman in our congregation...who recently lost her husband...she talked about how hard it has been and then she looked at me and said..it must be harder for you because he isn't gone...

Oh but he is...then there are all the new rules...with dating...and how that whole thing works....that is another thing I don't get...I've made a decision there too...it is what it is...I am going to take it as it comes...one day at a time....I have been screwed over once and there is no way I want to be screwed over again...what you see is what you get...no pretense at all.

I've picked up several books that answer the questions and tells you the new rules...but come on...it isn't like that...no way...so I am just going to go with the flow...what happens happens...we'll see where it leads...no rules...play it as it comes...I'll let you know how that goes!!!

granny panties

In all of the divorce books you read it tells you to dump the granny panties and buy yourself new sexier underwear....so I went out and bought some new sexier underwear...they are not as comfortable as grannies!! And who had the idea for a thong??? I bought  new bras that push you up and pop them out there!!! OK my boys will stop reading about now!!!

You've heard the phrase put on your big girl panties and do it...well, yesterday I pulled up my big girl panties, the sexier ones of course...and tackled one of my fears....I took the tractor up on top my roof...for the first time this summer...and cut the grass there.

I was going up the back hill all summer and I thought...what's the difference?  It is just a little steeper is all...
So, I sucked it up....pulled them up...pushed them out and did it!! Straight up the hill...I thought I would do a little at a time till I got the entire thing done...I am so proud of myself!!! It felt wonderful...that ol self confidence is sitting up there pretty high right now!!

God tells us to "fear not" and I was fearing...
God doesn't say anything about panties!

fun..plain ol fun

Today has been a day of plain ol good fun!  It is Sunday so we went to church...but since we got home...the kids are having a ball.  They hooked up the sprinkler and they have been wet all afternoon.  The last time I looked out they were pulling up worms and sitting on the sidewalk, soaking wet with dirt and worms between them. 

As an adult, I had to be busy...cutting grass...and sweeping porches...but then it was like...what the heck..why am I not checking out worms, too.

Sometimes we take ourselves much too serious...we need to STOP and run in the water and play in the dirt.  We are much too uppity and take ourselves much too serious...so take some time today...this day of REST...and enjoy being outside....with the kids or the dogs and just have some fun...how long has it been since you ran through a sprinkler...get out there and turn on some water...and laugh and enjoy!!

I am sure somewhere in scripture it talks about just enjoying life...enjoying the joy God has given us.
Wait...try this one...
Proverbs 15:13 - "A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit." (NIV)

OK forget that heartache thing...but remember a happy heart makes the face cheerful!! Go have some fun...I can not believe that God is a stick in the mud!!

the lotus flower

Thank you to my very special niece for this beautiful thought.

(Buddhist value: Like a lotus flower that grows out of the mud and blossoms above the muddy water surface, we can rise above our defilements and sufferings of life)Imagine that you are a lotus seed buried beneath a muddy lotus pond. There is mud all around you, and you can feel them clearly. Above you, above this muddy pool of dirt, mud and filth, are sunshine and air. You are not disheartened as you begin your journey towards the surface.

With a determined heart, you begin to wiggle in the earth. You grow roots deep, deep into the mud. Your little stem grows up slowly. Suddenly, "pop" you are out of the mud! Your stem grows higher and higher, taller and taller. You rise up slowly, fighting against the muddy water. All of a sudden, you are out of the muddy pond! You reach up towards the warm sun, shining down on you.

Your lotus bud begins to grow on top of your stem. It expands and grows larger and larger, finally bursting into full bloom. A white lotus flower. You stand beautifully above the muddy water, not dirtied by the mud from which you grow. You are white, fragrant and beautiful.

Everyone who saw you marvelled at your beauty! Your determination to grow out of the muddy pond reminds them of your strength. We may have defilements but we all have the potential of growing out of our defilements and achieving wisdom.

You are a beautiful white lotus flower, and your role is to remind people to rise above their defilements and sufferings, just as you are arising above the muddy water and not dirtied by the mud from which you grow.

self promotion

This is blatant self promotion...but check it out!
http://www.wsaz.com/news/headlines/West_Virginia_Urging_Employees_to_Use_Rideshare_Program_122701364.html

my carpool group was featured on a local tv station...

hip bones

As I stood outside the other day with my hands on my hips screaming at the dogs about something... I made an amazing discovery.  I felt my hip bones....for the first time in a very long time.  As a matter of fact, I thought something was wrong...there was something moving under my skin that I didn't recognize...something has come apart...I just knew it!

Then I realized what they were...I have hip bones...and they weren't where I thought they were!!...they are up much higher!!...wonder what that means!

Our bodies are pretty amazing...they are so well conceived...they are a work of God...there is no doubt..it all comes together in perfection (whether we like our bodies or not).  One part relies on the other...no part is better than the other. 1 Corinthians 12 talks about how it takes all of those parts of the body, by stating:
Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many.

There are parts of our bodies that get us in trouble...no...not that!  I'm thinking of our mouths...and if you are like me...you just can't keep it shut!!  As I've gotten older...I realize you must think before you speak...you must chose words carefully.  I hate to hurt other people and I hate to stir up stuff.  I will re-read an email a zillion times to make sure it is worded carefully...this blog is about the only place I let it loose and say whatever!!

Solomon, could ask God for anything and he asked for wisdom.  The wisdom to know the right thing to say at the right time....I ask for the same thing...the wisdom to make right choices and say right things...how did I get from hip bones to wisdom??? Rabbit trail...I'm go off on one..Craig you aren't the only one!

Be wise today...think before you speak, ask God for wisdom...and for fun find your hipbones...see what they're connected to!!

sunshine

Today is another one of those miserable, rainy days.  YUK!  But it is a good day to curl up with a book and read the night away. 

Some sunshine thoughts to get you through those crappy rainy days...

When?
When does the Lord speak?
When you speak his name
When does the Lord work?
When you do his work
When does the Lord hear?
When you pray
When does the Lord heal?
When you hurt
When does the Lord see?
Constantly
When does the Lord bless
When you believe
When does the Lord love?
Always
Keep your face to the sunshine and you can not see the shadow...Helen Keller

A cloudy day is no match to a sunny disposition...William Arthur Ward

Resolve to see the world on the sunny side, and you have almost won the battle of life at the outset...Sir Roger L'Estrange

suffering servant

I love how this Disciple bible study class opens our eyes to completely new ideas and thought on the same scripture we've read forever.

Last night we continued to read Isaiah.  He is a deep person and so much of Christ's coming is based on Isaiah scripture.  He prophesied the coming, that the servant sent for us would suffer. Since we have the luck to look back on this scripture with the knowledge of Christ's coming, it makes me wonder what those in exile thought as they heard this message.  Did it give them hope?

 Last night we looked at the word redeem, redeemer and what it means...and the meanings we saw in this Suffering Servant scripture.  Then we actually looked the word up in the dictionary and saw where it means to "purchase".   Our sinful price was paid...

It also talked about suffering...and how those that suffer pay the price for those that are wicked...all along I knew they were talking about Christ but I tried to apply it to my life...had my suffering paid Mark's price?  Had the fact that I suffered so his actions and how he behaved were redeemed?  Did my suffering save him and Kathy...well that just totally pissed me off...that is the human reaction...and it led me to such understanding about the nature of Christ...he was never pissed that his suffering saved all of us who are so unworthy...all of us that so don't deserve...I am his Mark and Kathy...I don't deserve his suffering for me...

I remember listening to a lesson somewhere about the woman at the well...how when she met Jesus she talked about how she didn't deserve the life she was given...all of the unfaithful men...all of the husbands...and by the time she left after her talk with Jesus she instead talked about in awe and wonder how she didn't deserve this living water he spoke of.

I love how answers come and realization comes through scripture and study.  I think I'll read on!
It is Isaiah again this week.

storm troopers in the bathtub and Barbie talk

Here I go with pics again!

I know you've heard me say...my grandkids are living with me for a month...what a joy that is!  It isn't very often you go to take a bath and stormtroopers have invaded your tub!  Both of the kids love to take baths at my house and they fill the tubs with toys.

It is funny to listen to the conversations. Especially Taylor!! I usually sit outside her door in my bedroom and read while she is bathing.  I know exactly how her teacher talks to her just by the way she reprimands her Barbies. Of course they are buck naked and this night she was teaching them to swim....there was a slew of them...she was taking them to task for being afraid to put their head under water...all of her fears come out when teaching them..."I told you to jump in the pool...there you go...see it isn't bad!" You can do this"  A few nights ago I walked in and all Barbies were doing splits on the side of the tub.  I asked what are they doing...learning gymnastics!

 Zack has major battles in the bath tub.  He fights all wrong in the world...we have star wars and GI Joes and pirates and pirate ships all fighting for the same cause.  Good will always wins out.

If only life were as simple as bath tub talk.  I do some of my best thinking in the bath tub.  Every morning I take a wonderful, good smelling, relaxing bath.   I know I've talked about soaking before.  To me it is the epitome of relaxing.  I do my morning prayers in the bathtub as I soak.  I read in the bathtub.  When I am sick I always find a way to slide into a bath. 

Sso fill it up and try one.  I feel sorry for those people that only take showers!! Baths heal our woes, fight our battles and calm our fears.  Maybe I know where the kids get it now!

top of the tree

Notice how fancy I am getting with adding pictures!!! In the past I was an avid bird watcher.  When I worked at state parks I learned a true love of birds.  I learned some by ear, by the song they sing and some by sight.  You have to know a little of both to identify the bird. I also learned to look at the very tip-top of the tree.  Usually birds will sit in the very top of the tree, throw their little heads back and belt it out.

I have a tendency now when I hear a bird singing loudly... I look up...to the top of the tree to see if I can spot a bird. 

Every fall I have giant v-shapes flying over my house, heading south.  Sometimes they are coming off the lake at the golf course and they fly very close.  They drive the dogs crazy but I love to stand below and look up.

I have a tendency in my Christian walk to always look up as well.  I look to the Lord, to lead my steps.  If I am afraid to step out in faith, I look up to get feedback from God...he directs my steps.  Sometimes only by looking up can I step forward.

So look up...see what is above.  Look to the sound in the sky...listen for your bird call.

lay in the sun

I love to be in the sun.  This past Saturday I cut grass most of the afternoon and got burnt to a crisp.  I know it isn't good for my skin but I am one of those that came through the 70's pouring on baby oil and iodine to get a good tan.  I don't tan, I burn...it takes a while for me to finally tan.  I have two sons and one is like me...burns and one is like his dad...tans so easily.

I use a tanning bed during the winter and the tractor during the summer.  I went to get my yearly female exam and the doctor opened my gown to do a breast exam and she and  her nurse at the same time said...she tans!

I blame my mother...about the only thing I blame her for....when we were young and if we were sick, she would say...lay in the sun...you will feel better...any sickness, didn't matter the sun cured it...she will swear she did NOT tell us that...but just the other day I was with her when she told my brother, who just had leg surgery, to lay in the sun to heal that wound.

Don't they talk about that syndrome when you need "light therapy." 

Maybe there is some truth in that....the sun heals our wounds, it brings us healing.  The light of God heals us.  We go toward the light to find help for our hurts. We all need some light therapy!!

So I guess mom wasn't so crazy after all.  Go get some "son"shine.

life suckers

We all know those kind of people.  The kind of people that just suck the life right out of you.  When you are around them you can feel all of the happy drain right out of you...They call on the phone and you cringe and find excuses not to answer the phone.

I hope like heck that I am not a life sucker to other people.  How sad you must be. 

Every day you get to make a concious choice whether to be happy and fun or to be sad and nasty.  I vote for happy and fun...What in life is so bad that you make all around you miserable? 

I know some of those people...there is always one in every crowd, work, church, life.
What constitutes a life sucker?  Someone who is so nasty, self absorbed, self centered and so hateful that no one wants to be near them...

I sometimes wonder what God would do with life suckers....he would probably say something nice like...pray for them...I know that is probably what I should do but...

I am making a concious effort to strip my life of these life suckers...so watch out...
you never know.

I will pour out my Spirit on all people.
Your sons and daughters will prophesy,
   your young men will see visions,
Acts 2:17
Last night there was a praise and worship service at church.  It was a very busy day for our youth at church but I was asked several days ago if our youth would lead the service and agreed when told it was very laid back and not much planning was needed.

Many of our youth were at the Show Choir dinner theater but three girls and Preston took on the challenge.
What a night it was!!  I think everyone there was so touched by all of it.  God was in this place.  How many adults let alone young people will get up and testify to God's power in their life?  We had two that shared their faith.  What a powerful message.

The music was special.  Catherine, Caroline and Claire sang a song and Caroline followed it with signing to special music. 

I love all of our kids, they always make us all stand a little taller and see hope for the future.  But tonight they were our church.  They were God in our midst.  How special is that?
Lora and I agree we are so blessed by what we get from these kids.

God blesses us everyday.

happy and sad

I know I've talked so often about change...yesterday was a day of change...Jenn and Nick moved out of their home late on Friday.  Jenn and the kids moved in for a month with me.  There was sadness and joy..  Sadness for the passing of a home and a house and good neighbors and kid's friends.  But a joy that Nick was here, and they are moving on to the next phase of their life.  I also take great joy in spending a month with them.

Friday night I went out with ladies from church as we celebrated with my friend Cindy the same transition from a life here to her new life in Florida.  She and Jenn are in the same boat.  Sadness yet joy.  Eagerness to get it started, to see what comes next but yet such sadness as an era passes.  Nothing will be the same.

Nick and I talk all the time about "when I retire" there is a place for me in Washington.  To come out...start over, start fresh.  I don't know if I am as brave as these two women.  It is a hard concept for me to think of leaving all of this (friends, work, home) for something new.  I know at this point in my life anything is possible and to rule nothing out. I keep saying a lot can change in three years and we will just see where life takes us. 

I know you have been following me through my Disciple class and we are still on the prophets of old but the message has changed.  From the message of sin and betrayal and now to a message to those in exile about a new day and a new future.  Isn't it funny how God works and how he has talked to me through this class?  He sends me a message in so many different ways, if I am open to it!  Last night...as my grand kids were laughing and playing in a sprinkler I read my lesson for the day...from Isaiah...46:10-13..

"If you will wait, if you will trust, God has a plan for you and will soon bring it to pass" (there is that patience thing again, too!)...Just like those poor folks in exile in Babylonia...we have all been in some kind of exile in our lives...but we need to know God is in charge, he hasn't forgotten us, he always loves us and he has a plan for us.

So I remind myself yet again, be patient, sit back and enjoy the ride...the plan will come...in God's time and not in mine.

patience is a virtue

I don't have it!  That virtue...I think I have some virtues but not that one...maybe that's why that "be still and know I am God" scripture keeps repeating itself in my head.

One of my biggest flaws is I drive really fast...one day when I crash and burn you can say you heard it here.  I've been picked up for speeding many times...lately I have gotten only warnings...I must look ready to cry or something.  I've been to driving school...nothing helps...I am impatient...I am in a hurry...I want to get there!  That patience thing again.

Now this talking to men thing...I was married for 32 years...I have no patience with waiting for call backs...why do we have all of this new technology if not to talk instantly.  There are new rules out there and I am learning them.  I guess patience better be one of them!  Some things are worth waiting for!

I'm learning.

give thanks

I have a sign in my kitchen that says "Give Thanks In All Things"....easier said than done!
I heard someone the other day say...take your mess and make it good by being thankful for it. 
That's so true...it is my mess and only I can make it better and see the blessing in it! I also read the other day your greatest enemy is sometimes your best friend. 

At Disciple Class the other night we were talking about our troubles and someone said to me...you have a clean slate.  You can do anything and I thought...that is so right...I can do ANYTHING!  My life is wide open.
I have heard it over and over again through this trial..one day you will appretiate this...One day it will all make sense.  A few weeks ago I would have said...Yea right...suddenly it is like a light switched.  I don't know what happened...maybe the fact Mark and Kathy married and I have closure but suddenly I am alive again.
Being thankful for the crap I went through is hard sometimes.  It is hard to make it sound good at all!  But I will try! 
The good things that have come from this tough time in my life:

I know I can live through anything
I know I have two sons that are full of character
I know my daughter-in-laws are strong
I know who my friends are
I never pass up a chance to tell people how I feel
I am strong
I am resourceful
I am appreciative
I am not easily swayed...I question...
I am not a pushover
I listen closer
I can do things I never thought I would be able to
I can clean up someone else's messes
I can make a clean break with someone, alot of people
I realize that family is not forever
I know there is life after disaster
I know that if you put one foot in front of the other you can make your way forward
I know a year passes quickly
I know all stages of grief
I know God loves me and walks with me
I know I have faith
I know I can question my God and my faith
I know my faith can grow and change
I know I can learn a lot from young people
I know I am thankful
I know I am blessed

mornings

I love mornings!
When my kids were younger, I would get so much done in the mornings.  This was always my quiet time.  If anyone got up early with me I would grumble because that was my time.  My time to relax and catch up.

On weekends I sometimes go back to bed and that is such a treat. 

Now, I have a routine...I get my morning cup of tea (love my tea) and feed the dogs (because they demand it). I usually take the dogs out and enjoy the outdoors for awhile...then I sit down to do what needs done to start my day. I usually bring work home so I get my work load in order and I spend time with God.  I read my bible lesson for the day and pray.  I always tried to fit God into my mornings over the years but if there was no time for something it was God that got pushed out...that is bass ackwards!  God should always come first in our day.

They say you have to do something twenty times for it to become a habit.  So mark off the next 20 days. Start a new habit. Spend time with God in the mornings.

I find when I spend time with God in the mornings my day will fall into place.  It is usually a good day.  Things go smoothly.  I am nicer.  It is like I am balanced.  I talked to a friend yesterday on my way to work.  He owns a company and he has a prayer time every morning with his employees before they start their day.  What if your workplace was directed by prayer?  What if you knew your boss was praying for you.  What a concept! Some times if I am having a rough day at work I will close my door and bow my head.  It is amazing what a prayer will do to refresh you.  Sometimes nothing more than "Help me get through this".  I truly believe God walks with us during our day and doesn't mind hearing the mundane.  He knows it already so why not involve him in it.

So this morning, step outside, breath deep and enjoy God's creation but also bow your head and lift your voice in prayer.

it's right there on the tip of my tounge

I am not old...let me say that again, I am not old.  When I was in my early twenties I thought 50's were ancient and never thought I would be that old, ever!  Now I'm here.  Today at work I was trying to think of a word...the state facility where they grow those baby trees...it's right there on the tip of my tongue.  It is...no, I can't get it...I know what it is but I just can't recall.  I was working on a marketing plan and I could not for the life of me think of the word "nursery"...baby  trees!!

I just couldn't get it...I finally knew it was on our web site and went there to find the answer.  I hate that feeling of pure nothingness...I think all of the time...this is what Alzheimer's is like.  You just lose it for a minute or two....there is a blank...nothing...void...nil....you know it but can't get it out of there!!

I imagine that is how life can be without Jesus in your life.  You feel nothingness...you know there should be more...there should be an answer in there someplace...you just can't find it.  What does your life mean?  Don't have a clue...there is nothing there to bring forward.  How scary that must be.   Just as scary as it is when you can't pull that name out of your brain.

He is right there waiting...he can be your reminder...your web site to give the answer.  He can do it.  Just ask him.
So the word is NURSERY and the savior is JESUS.  Now don't forget it!

cheese change

You talk about a year of change, I've had it...when my job changed about five years ago I read the book...Who Took my Cheese...which is all about change...you can either go with it and live or be that mouse that resists it and never finds the cheese!

The last few weeks have been nuts...and I have stopped blogging for a few weeks...I can't seem to find the time...there just isn't any.  I've been cleaning out rooms getting ready for my daughter-in-law and grand kids to move in.  They are staying with me for the next month until school is out, then they, with my son will make the trip cross country to their new home in Washington state.

This will be a big change in my life.  I have been with my grand kids since they were born, 10 years ago.  They are a big part of my life and I hope I am theirs.  Years ago my home was where my kids found comfort and joy and for the past two years that has slowly changed.  Nick's home (which is a few miles from me) has become the place we hang out.  Jennifer and I have wine nights when we put the kids to bed...pour a glass of wine and flop on the couch to catch up and talk.  What will I do?

Change comes...it just happens...sometimes gradually and sometimes at the snap of your fingers.  It is inevitable...honestly if we didn't have change our lives would be dull and very boring!

Sometimes when there is so much change you can lose your true north, your place of steady, where you are rooted.  For me my faith has not changed.  It has been shaken, it has been tested, it has been pulled and stretched but it is still here.  I know what is true and I know what is important to me.  Pain, sorrow and change makes you prioritize your life and honestly find your life.  I feel like I have truly done that.  The other day I heard myself saying to a friend who is divorcing...you will get through this...you have got to cut the ties and think about yourself...no one else will be looking out for you but you.  Who would have thought a year ago I would be giving out the advice. 

Change...we hate it when we should embrace it for all of the good things we may have missed if our lives had never changed. 

Hebrews 13:8 reassures us that:
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today, yes and forever.
There is one thing steady in our lives...our Lord...everything is orbiting around this one steady fixture.  At the center of life is our forever and always Lord.  We should find great peace in that...

Thank goodness!
Pass the tissues as I prepare for the departure of my grand kids!

heaven

Have you ever thought what heaven is like?  Mark and I one time had the conversation right after our neighbor died.  We were sitting on the back porch feet on the deck railing and started like this:
I think heaven is like all your favorite things.
I think heaven is laying in bed all day
I think heaven is laying in bed, with a breeze blowing through the window.
on fresh sheets
hung outside to dry
ahhhhhh

That makes me think I want to be there.
I am not real sure what heaven is like...I have always felt it is the best of all we know.
It is church on all the best holidays, Easter and Christmas Eve...when the choir is at it's best and the organ is playing and the music is flowing.
Or when the Early Worship Band has a concert and we are all singing.
Or at one of our spring break of service overnights, when we are all together laying on the floor watching a movie and it just seems so right...or when all of us mission trip leaders sit around a table discussing some profound thought.
When things are just right and you know it.
When all is right with the world.
That's what heaven is...

let the wild rumpus start

The night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of one kind or another....one of my most favorite children's books is Where the Wild Things Are by Maurice Sendak...which recently became a movie.  I didn't go see the movie because I have such a love of the book, I didn't want it ruined for me.

I made sure both of my boys got a copy of this book as they got older...you have to make mischief like Max to realize you want to be where somebody loves you best of all.  The entire premise of the book is you can go out and do all you want to do...swing in trees, howl at the moon or even parade with other wild things...but in the end it is where you are loved best of all that you want to be.

I am loved best of all at church.  When I am there I feel the arms of God surround me.  Music makes my soul sigh and grow content.  It just washes over me like sunshine...the feeling of being close to God.  I love there are wild things there, too...the kids I work with are pretty wild at times but there are times like today, when we celebrated with them accomplishments when it is so priceless and I say my thanks to God.

I hope we have instilled this feeling in all of them...these young people we will soon send out into the big ol' world...I hope we have taught them there is a place where someone loves them best of all and God is never far when you are in this place. 

"And now," cried Max, "let the wild rumpus start!"

online dating

You know it is pretty pitiful when you have to ask your kids how it's done...

I had not been divorced a few months when Justin and Sarah sat me down and said come on....I had signed up for e-harmony but had not done anything with it...Sarah said...OK lets look at these guys...I was sooooo embarrassed...and then she told me how she picked Justin out of her line up of guys...I hate to say she felt sorry for him....but....truth is...it was a horrible picture....and today they are a great couple...with a little one and lots of love...

So we looked at the guys one by one and she said right here and now you are going to send them a message...so I did that day but it didn't take me long to unsubscribe to e-harmony...I am so uncomfortable doing this...this is not me...yikes!

Both of my sons met their wives online...so I know there is something to this...but maybe not for me.
I am so out of the dating game...and I am very bossy, opinionated and the list is long.  I talk entirely too much and I am a liberal Democrat who loves Obama...boy my options are very slim.  But you never know what you'll come across...maybe a good conservative Republican...should make for some good dinner conversation!
Wish me luck.

redeemed

This week in Disciple class we are continuing with Ezekiel...the nut job...who I adore...when I was growing up in Wheeling there was a man who drove around town in this beat up car that had Jesus sayings written all over it...I hate to say that I made fun of him back then...today I would say he was a modern day Ezekiel...that is probably how people in his day looked at him.

This week it is the lesson of the dry bones....one of my favorite stories in the bible...I have a very vivid imagination and can just picture this scene...death valley full of bones...he stands at one end and demands they raise up and God puts sinew on them and they walk...very Cecil B. DeMille or M. Night Shyamalan is probably more like it.

The story and ending chapters of Ezekiel speak of the redemption of the Israel people.  God still loves them and their future includes redemption, a journey home and a new temple.  God forgets and forgives. 

My life has come full circle. I realized today that I have a smile on my face.  Now it may be possible some attention from a gentle man helps but I feel good in my skin.  I feel good about me and my life.  I am happy.  I am sure if you look close you will see a twinkle in the eye!  I always think of the story of Job...which is what I started reading in the beginning of this journey...and he suffered...but the book ends with Job being blessed beyond imagination and that is what I feel God is giving me...blessings beyond imagination because during the suffering I questioned but never swayed from him...I am truly blessed.  I know where it all comes from...through suffering we find a closer walk with God and we find a true peace with God and the plan he has for our life.  We learn to trust him and walk with him.  I am walking...wherever I am led.
thanks be to you Lord!

vote

I recently talked about reading the prophets of old and how in the book of  Jeremiah God tells his people, they may be in captivity but he expects them to put down roots there, to grow and prosper there. 

I believe God takes an interest in our government no matter when we are...he expects us to live as a Christian in the world to which we are born.  We are expected to take an interest in our government as well.  He doesn't expect us to sit back and complain and whine (there's that word again!) but to get involved and know what is going on.  Listen to the issues and get involved when we need to.  By God's decree we are to take care of the widow and children and we can do that with our choice of a leader and elected officials.

Today, where I am, we are voting for a governor.  It is a weird situation and this governor will only serve for two years.  As a state employee I know it takes a governor and his administration a year to learn the system and the last year they are running for a second term.  So this newly elected governor may not get much done.

The thing is we are a country built on the belief in God, the belief in Freedom and today we get to express our belief in those rights by voting.

So, go out and vote at every opportunity and express your beliefs and fulfill God's expectations in you.

wahhhhh

whining...I am always on the youth at church about whining...I tell the grand kids to stop their whining...I think sometimes I am the only one that doesn't whine!!! Don't we all think like that!! All the time probably complaining and whining about other people!

We are so self righteous aren't we!  We always think it is someone else that is causing the problem...that created the situation or that keeps others out.  What are they thinking?  We think listen to me and all will be perfect.

If you want to look at the perfect example of whining look at those Israelites....it took them 40 years for a trip that should have taken them about 15 days.  I think because they whined so much God said...you need to learn some lessons and kept them wandering.  I have visions of them going in circles...thinking, haven't we been here already...they whined about manna, Moses went up to the mountain and when he came down they had whined and made statues of a golden calf...wahhhhh...it is all about me!!
Really...who do we think we are?

If I have learned nothing in this life it is....when I stop thinking about "me" and start thinking of others and putting others first...my life will do a 360...when I quit whining about what I need and what I want and look at what others may need...I am so much happier.  As humans we just don't think that way...we always think of ourselves first but God reminds throughout the bible....it is more blessed to give!

I recently read in "Ten Points to Living an Orthodox Life"
It is selfless relationships that lead us to happiness and a life close to God. This is what Christ meant when He asked us to love our neighbor as ourselves. You cannot act as an isolated being and be close to God. When you dwell on yourself you only build a wall between yourself, others and God. Those who insist on thinking about their own needs, their wants, plans and ideas only become lonely and feel insecure. They separate themselves from God.

Don't you feel closest to God when you are doing for others.  When you are loving others? 
Today go out and try something for someone else.  Forget yourself and see who you can help!  You might be surprised how you feel!

self confidence

Blogger has been down for a couple of days...I've missed writing and communicating with everyone. 

Tonight was a girls night out.  Dinner and a movie and just lots of fun and laughs.  Something about a string....you had to be there!!

I am on cloud nine.  A glance from someone, a hey lady from someone, and suddenly I can't come down to earth.  This has done a world of good for my self confidence if nothing else comes of it. 

During a divorce you lose all of the self confidence you ever had...and I had lots!  It is gone.  You are made to feel worthless and hopeless.  But suddenly one day someone looks at you again and makes you feel alive.  And all of the self confidence and almost swagger comes back.  It feels great. It is oh so tentative but it's there.

I feel like God has looked down on me and smiled.  He touched me with his healing hands and said...She's back!!

dna

Yesterday I traveled to a family funeral.  My aunt who lived close to me, while I was growing up, passed away.  I have good and kooky memories of her.  She would call me up when I was young and we would go shopping.  Just because she needed retail therapy.  Sometimes she bought the tackiest things but most of the time she gave them away.  She would always buy me something.  Anything I wanted.  The tackier the better!
We would go to places like Big Lots, where I didn't usually go.  It was fun.  She bought longerie.

In middle school my family built a pool.  She didn't know how to swim and my grandfather tried to teach her.  It was so funny.  But she was a sport and by the end of the first summer she could at least tread water and not drown.

At the funeral they talked about her servant's heart.  She would go once a week and work the soup kitchen, there were nuns who talked about how she helped set up a community vacation bible school (she was not catholic but church of God), they talked about the time she spent at church and the jobs she did around the church that no one else wanted to do, she had a card ministry.  She would send cards to anyone that needed a pick me up. 

I listened and thought...maybe I got more of her than I ever thought.  She looked beautiful.  She had on a bright lime green suit that was just her.  A tacky bracelet she said her husband sent her from heaven.  See what I mean!!

It is funny what we inherit.  Sometimes more than height, weight, eye colors it is morals, values and tackiness.  I'm sure that isn't encoded in our DNA.  I have my grandfather's bible that I got after he passed away, I love to go to it and look at what he has underlined.  The notes he has made in the margins.  I love to know his thoughts on scripture.  Love of scripture and of the Word is not in our DNA.  That is what family gives you.  Family brings you up and grounds you in faith.  They nurture your faith and help it to grow.  Your church family as you grow up help to mold and ground you. 

I love to tell my church kids about Mr. Porter.  He was my middle school and confirmation teacher.  He always took the Sunday school class no one wanted, which in my time seemed to be my class!  He was always there no matter what, he was one of those nurturers.  As I aged and would come back to my home church he would always make his way to me and ask about my life.  To this day I remember things he said to us.  I always say I took on the middle school at my church because of him.  He taught me God has a plan. 

All of this is not in our DNA but we receive it just the same from our families.

little scraps

I find all over my house little scraps of paper with things written on them...A quote, a name, a book title, lyrics to a song.  When I drive and if I hear something I write it down...so I have little scraps of paper all over my car.  They are everywhere. In my purse, by my bed, in pockets.

They are ideas for this blog...when I started I never thought I would go longer than about five posts...that was about all I had to say...but I have found it is the best therapy ever.  I always have something to say!  I have always journaled but this is so different.  Why would anyone want to read what I have to say?  Why would anyone listen to me?

I remember the first time a summer college student came back to me and said...You told me to do this and I did...I just wanted to scream at them "Why did you listen to me?  Don't do that!"  It is scary to think someone may follow my advice. 

Little scraps of paper hold treasures just like the little bits of wisdom we get from God.  Those "aha" moments...you know when you hear exactly what you need to hear....at just the right time...those God moments...when everything just makes sense. 

I love God moments.

Bob Marley

"Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin': "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be all right!"

Rise up this mornin',
Smiled with the risin' sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin', ("This is my message to you-ou-ou:")

In commemoration of the death of Bob Marley...here is one of my favorites...suggested to me by the early worship band at my church.  You know you could go to church faithfully for years and the one day you miss...the one day...that's when they say..."Where's Kim McHenry today"...we knew she would like this song...so afterward as I DID make it to the late service.... everyone came up to me and said....Early worship band had a song they wanted you to hear....this was the song...
what a gift...I always liked Bob Marley...I love the beat and the message of his songs...he didn't live long but he blessed us, he blessed me with his music.  As a rebellious young teen, I loved the song "Revolution."

So remember the message, I remind myself and you...Don't worry...everything gonna be alright.
Reminds me of the scripture Matthew 6:25
For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?
So today, sing this to yourself...don't worry...everything gonna be alright.

fireflies

You my friend
You're a lot like them
But I caught your lie
And you know I did

The song by Breaking Benjamin is entitled Firefly. 
I saw my first firefly this morning.  I was out really early with the dogs and there it was in the woods behind the house.  Doesn't that mean summer is on the way?

I decided to read the lyrics to the song, I always liked the song...oh my...the lyrics are intense....I  thought it was just a little ditty...cute little thing....I was wrong. 

Why do we lie?  You know I've said my ex has gotten to the point he doesn't know the truth from a lie any more.  Sometimes we get that way....we say the lie so many times it has become true in our minds.  I wonder all of the time about history...how many events in history have been told so many times one sided that we now believe it to be the truth....and since I know the bible was written by human hand...how many people have taken liberties with that message?

It is tough to discern what is the truth...and politics...well that puts a whole new spin on the truth! Here we are in the middle of a special election for governor and it is a hoot to me to see how the same message is spun so many different ways.  None of it truthful...but things left out intentionally or put in intentionally so you can't say we lied.  I am in marketing...you think I would get used to spin!  That is what marketing is all about...how you spin it to make it believable.
I don't know how I got from fireflies to lies to truth to spin...but here I am.

Tell the truth...it is a whole lot easier...you don't have to remember what story you told to who!!
Look outside and see if you see your first firefly of the season and see how you can spin that story!
Happy Hunting.

when?

I heard this quote last night on the television show Brothers and Sisters:

"It's never too late to be what you might have been."...George Eliot

I wonder what I might have been?? That is a lot of "what ifs"..but some times it is fun to think.  What if there had been no Mark, what if there had been no divorce, what if there had been no church, what if there had been no Winfield?  What if I had never left Wheeling?  What if I had never walked into a cafeteria at Marshall Univ? What if I had gone to WVU?

I have always been under the impression...it took all of my life to get here.  All of the experiences, all of the ups and all of the downs....I could never be the person I am today without all of the baggage behind me...some of that good and some of that bad.  I don't think God is omnipotent....I think he has a plan for us...but because of free will he lets us get to it in our own time and in our own way...and he probably laughs all along the way....and cries too....and thinks "you could have gotten here a lot sooner if you had listened."

I don't know if I am ready to date yet and take that next step to see what I can be.  I had my first inkling last night when someone said to me..."i've just been waiting for you to say "when"...yikes...i can't stand a broken heart...I am still pretty fragile...there are a lot of "what ifs"....
I need to remember....it's never too late to be what you might have been!

mothers

What a wonderful weekend.   I spent a great weekend with my two girls.  Taylor (my six year old granddaughter) and Lilah (my 4 month old granddaugthter).  What a great weekend it was!  This picture says it all.  Taylor was enthralled by Lilah and vice versa.  We met Jennifer on the way home and had dinner.  It was constant Lilah stories.  No one could say a word for Taylor telling all that she and Lilah did this weekend.  Taylor held her, fed her, helped bath her, dressed her and just loved her.  Before we left on Sunday she read her several books.  Taylor reads now...and Lilah was just spellbound by what Taylor was saying.  It was such a special time with these two young girls.  I laughed and said...Taylor will teach you things...but it was Lilah that taught Taylor to think of others before self and to love unconditionally.  There was no competition...there was no trying to get more attention than Lilah...it was a pure love fest weekend.  It is amazing what can happen when adults step out of the way and let kids be kids.

I am so proud of Taylor.  She forgot herself and unconditionally helped others.  She had a true servant's heart this weekend.  I can take a lesson or two from her.

Today is Mother's Day and what a special day.  I got to spend a first mother's day with Sarah...she is a new mom with Lilah and with Justin celebrating mom's day with his wife.  It was special....and I had a very special dinner with Jennifer and the kids.  As I have said on more than one occasion I truly feel these two women who have come to me by marriage are as much my daughters as are my sons.  How blessed is that?

Jesus Christ cherished his mother...and we can all take a lesson from him.  Exodus 20:12 "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you." (NIV)   I sometimes am much too critical of my mother.  I love her dearly.  Don't know why relationships with moms are so tough.  God made mothers special.  Mothers can change the world and do....Pray daily for all of the mothers of this world as we care for children of all ages.  To be a mother is truly a blessing.  God is good!

have you noticed

I have been out of it lately...not enough time in a day...seems like all I do is work, go to church, work at church and come home and go to bed...in between all of that and the darn rain...I cut grass!

This weekend I get to go visit my sweet little granddaughter.  My older granddaughter Taylor is going with me.  It is a girl's weekend!!
Can't wait...if you don't hear much from me...that is why...we will be enjoying every one's company and bathing and feeding little Lilah. I am going to get outside and work in Justin's yard.

One of the events of the weekend, is a baby shower for Sandra and Miguel.  They are expecting a baby this summer.  They've had a really tough time...lots of problems...one step forward and two steps back.  They have been on an emotional roller coaster.  Saturday we will be celebrating...the faith of these two good people and the prayers of MANY MANY people have kept them going.  We are with them every step of the way and we will soon celebrate this birth...keep them in your prayers.

did you see Oprah?

A friend from work emailed me the other day and said..."Did you see Oprah yesterday? Shania Twain was on talking about her discovery of her husband's adultery with her best friend and I thought of you."  I always say...it could be worse...just when you think yours is bad you hear a story worse than yours.  At least he didn't screw my best friend.  Shania said she wrote a letter to her friend that said..."Find love somewhere else, from someone else that isn't hurting two families so much. All of us have to suffer for the two of you. It just isn't right." Right on...I can not believe there are such women out there preying on other people's husbands.  I'm no Shania Twain...why would someone do this to her?

Even Shania said the challenge was putting it in a book and sharing it with the world. "Suffering does not discriminate. No one is above this type of low," she says. Boy I know how that feels...you don't want a soul to know.  You want to keep it quiet while the entire time you are slowly dying inside.  Your stomach is in knots, you are sick at your stomach, you are throwing up, you don't want to get out of bed and trying to act normal through it all and smile.

She goes on to say "Life unravels the way it does, and it has an effect on you, but you have to take responsibility for dealing with it,"  The way you deal with it is the only control you have.  You can control nothing else just yourself.  Joyce Myer all week has been talking about not listening to that devil in your head...start talking back to it...Joyce said when it says...he left you for someone so much better...yell back at him and tell that devil...the man I WAS married to is an idiot...look he gave up this!!!
Hear that devil!! IDIOT!! I still can't believe someone would cheat on Shania Twain.

comfy old sweater

I know it is May but the past few months have been so cold.  At the flea market last weekend, it was really cold one morning and I slipped on an old sweater that was laying on a sale table.  I ended up wearing it home and it has become my new late night keeping warm garmet.

Old comfy sweaters are just that "comfy".   There is nothing better, OK maybe there is, but it is the comfy factor.  I am sure everyone has that one piece of wardrobe that they put on when they want to chill, or first thing when they walk through the door in the evening.

It is that piece of clothing that lets you know it is time to relax.  My marriage was like that...it was comfortable...I felt relaxed when I walked in the door at night after a long and hard day.
My faith was like that, too...I hate to admit that but it was...I was comfortable in it.  I was like that, too.  I was comfortable being me. 

The divorce and adultery brought all of that comfort falling down around me.  I always say it is like everything you ever believed in was put in a bag, shaken and poured out.  You don't know what is real, what is truth, what is a lie. 

I can now say...I know what is real, I know what is the truth.  My faith has been tested and has passed with flying colors.  I will share my faith story with anyone that will listen... which means I have grown.  I truly think you are never closer to God than when you are in sorrow and pain.  But coming out the other side you suddenly realize you can see the truth and you can easily spot a lie...You know what is real and what is truth.  There is no comfort anymore except that green sweater I bought.  I will never be "just comfortable" in anything any more...I don't want to be.

another disciple class

I always come away from my Wednesday night class with a little new tidbit...a new enlightenment.
Tonight we studied the second half of Jeremiah.

Jeremiah 29:11 was my scripture that got me through the past two years.
"I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you, not to harm you.  Plans to give you a future."  This was originally written by Jeremiah as the word of the Lord to the Israelites in exile in Babylonia.  But it is really for anyone in the dark times.  The times you think there is no tomorrow.  It is a ray of hope.  A confirmation of God's unconditional and eternal love for each of us.  It is personal.

What I did not know through all of this...was there are the scriptures of 5-9 that proceed it.
In those scriptures God tells the Israelites to bloom where they are planted.  They may be in exile but he tells them:
"Build houses and live in them...plant gardens...eat your produce.  Take wives and become fathers of sons and daughters.  Take wives for your sons and give your daughters to husbands...,multiply there (in Babylon) and do not decrease.  Seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you...pray to the Lord on its behalf... in it's welfare you will have welfare."

This scripture tells me...be happy where you are!  Do what I tell you.  You have to be strong to move on, so stay here and build strength.    It may not be where you want to be...but this is where you are!  Now live there...be the best you can be in the situation you find yourself....quit your whining and plant a garden.  You have to go through here to get to the plans he has for you. Pray for where you are and after that comes the plans he has for you!!!  What a lesson for me!

The plans verse is followed by
"Call upon Me and come and pray to Me and I will listen...You will seek me and you will find me."

Doesn't that bring comfort?  God gives you the plan and gives you the results.  He also gives you the how to.
Wow! 
There is always a rest of the story.

gas money

I can not believe the price of gas!  Today it reached an all-time high of $4.29 a gallon.  Today there were two of us from work getting gas at the same time.  We looked at each other and said...why?  We decided it was time to add him to our car pool of two.   Time to ride share and save money.  Hard times call for tough choices.  Giving up the freedom of having your own vehicle is nothing compared to saving about 24 dollars a week which averages out to about $95 a month.

Since the divorce I have been on a strict budget.  If I have learned nothing else I have learned to budget what I have and how to stretch my dollar.  I pack my lunch every day (that also helps that healthy eating), I seldom go out to dinner (when I do it is a treat and usually a celebration) and some days don't even eat dinner.  I am planning now for a fall getaway with some college friends and I am looking to buy an airline ticket later in the year.  Car issues, like new brakes, can throw me into financial crisis but that's OK.  I've learned to plan and it feels good.  It feels good to make it on my own.  To know that what I have is because I am making it.  I don't need anyone because I need them...The next time I am with someone it will be because I want to be. 

What a big step!  Mark and I always fought about money.  It was the one love of his life.  If I I had money and you needed it...well, here take it.  I always said I would teach him to share and do for others...guess he learned that lesson well...especially the share part!  Sorry...lent is over and I can rag on him again!

This is one area of my life that I knew I would have to conquer and there are days I am not so sure that I've beat it...those days before pay day can be tough...but I can make it and am finding I am doing OK. I have job hunted and considered changing jobs but I love what I do and knew I had to tackle this problem some time.

One of the first things they tell you in Divorce Care is to set a budget and stick to it.  Good Luck...this is a tough one!  In the beginning it is hard to live within your new means...I was so used to buying whatever I wanted...you can't do that...We split everything pretty much down the middle so I got very little from Mark.  I was paid about 31.00 a month for every month we were married or about $375 for every year...ex wives aren't worth much...not much for 32 years given to him...and salary-wise he made double what I did...but I don't regret it...I just wanted out.  I knew I would be better off and that I could do it.  I am one of those people, if you tell them they can't do something, then I will work my butt off to make sure it gets done,and I'll show you.

So, I will survive.

ministry

We are preparing for our mission trip in June.  This past weekend was our annual flea market.  We needed to make about 3000 dollars which we didn't hit.  We only made about half of that.
So we are going to be scrambling to make up that amount.  I wish sometimes our church would actually budget for this trip instead of us having to fund raise.  I spend the majority of my job fundraising.  I know there is a positive side.  The kids bond during these times but it can be frustrating.  

Lora and I had to do an online video preparation which I did last night.  We are heading to Chicago where the kids will be working with the homeless on the streets.  What a life changing opportunity for our kids.  Every time we go on a trip, one kid is changed.  You see it and experience one young person having an epiphany.  I am anxious to see who it is this year.

I am like those kids, sometimes I wonder what ministry God is calling me to.  I know there is something in his plans but not sure what it is.  The videos talked about how homelessness has changed from single adult men to families with children.  I sometimes wonder if that is my call.  I have this big house with no one in it and maybe I am being called to open my home to a family that needs some place to live.  That needs stability. 

Not really sure, but God will lead and I will follow. 

doesn't matter

Be who you are and say what you feel.
Because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind.
Dr. Seuss

I hope if you are going through this you have gone out and bought some of the books I talked about that helped me.  One that I keep going back to over and over again is "Runaway Husbands" by Vicki Stark.  There is a time when she talks about a visit from her sister and brother-in-law and the brother-in-law kept reminding her (every time she would bring up her ex-husband's name) that he doesn't matter anymore.  What the ex thinks and feels or tries to impart...just doesn't matter...doesn't make a hill of beans!  Not important!  Do you know how hard it is after 32  years to not think about what your husband thinks or feels.
It is hard not to still think that. Recently Mark called to ask the whereabouts of the deed to a piece of property we owned.  I had sent it to him in a box of stuff but he insisted it wasn't there.  I knew I had packed it.  I immediatly dropped back into that same old role of "OH poor Mark...I'll find it for you," before I stopped myself and said...this is the jerk that tore my family apart and betrayed every feeling I had...so I turned around, not being spiteful but knowing "it doesn't matter"...and said "I know it is there, find it." and left it at that. 
I really think this man thought we would be one big inter-wed happy family.  But guess what...what he wants "doesn't matter".  I don't need to take his wants and considerations into any part of my life anymore.  Poor Kathy does, and there are times I really do feel sorry for her.  I found this the other day while browsing online and thought I would share.  It says a lot of what I felt in the beginning...It is a letter from a minister to The Other Woman.  Because I never had the chance to say this to her and let her know exactly what I think of her.  From all I've heard she, like my ex has excuses for everything that happened.   Always someone else's fault.   It is hard to take responsibility. 

Letter To The Other Woman

by David Padfield

Dear Rhonda,
Since you claim to be a Christian, I am not going to spend a lot of time reminding you of what our Lord said about adultery in Matthew 19:1-9. You know that adultery and fornication will keep you out of heaven.

Instead, I would like for you to see the harm you have done to the lives of so many innocent people.
Several weeks ago Tonya E-mailed me and told me of her husband's marital infidelity, and how her family's life had "been turned upside down." After nineteen years of marriage she discovered a "secret mailbox full of romantic E-mails" from you. She told me how he supposedly met you online, and presented himself as a single man, even though Mike now says you knew he was married all along. Tonya found it hard to believe that any woman calling herself a "Christian" would be involved with a married man. She said you have no clue as to how you hurt her family, including her extended family, and their spouses and children. I could almost hear her sobs and tears as she wrote about how her family had been torn apart by your illicit relationship with her husband.
Rhonda, have you considered what type of man you are now involved with? Nineteen years ago he stood in the presence of his family and friends and swore before his God that he would be faithful to Tonya until in death they parted. With your "help" he has since betrayed those vows. How can you be so infatuated with a man who is willing to break such a sacred vow? How can you spend time with a man whom you know cannot be trusted? Do you think you are so special that he will never lie to you?
At least on one occasion Mike promised to visit his children, but failed to show up because he wanted to spend time with you. Can you imagine how deeply hurt his kids were when he failed to show up? How can you be involved with a man who has so little regard for his own children? Is your need for male companionship so strong that you are willing to destroy innocent young lives to get what you need? How could you be in love with a man who is willing to allow his children to suffer so he can spend time with you?
Every time I have counseled people who suspect their spouse has been unfaithful, I always suggest they go to a doctor or health clinic and get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. If you are willing to spend time with a married man, then it is safe to assume that you might also be carrying an STD. I know Tonya had the blood test, but I have not inquired as to the results. I can not imagine anything more humiliating for a married woman than to have to go for a blood test because she might have contracted an STD from her own husband. Do you have any compassion for this poor woman whose life you have turned upside down? How would you feel if you and Mike were married and some other woman took him away from you? Would you not feel betrayed? Would you not consider "the other woman" to be a tramp, one step above a common whore? This is exactly how people look at you right now.
If you have read this far, then there is hope for you. It means that you are concerned about your soul and how your actions have harmed others. In the Bible, genuine repentance is accompanied by "fruits worthy of repentance." You need to break off your relationship with Mike immediately, and go to Tonya in person and apologize for how you have devastated her life. The good news is that you can repent and renew your allegiance to Christ. The blood of Christ can forgive every sin in your past. Sin does bring shame, but a failure to repent brings on more shame, and finally death.
If you would like to discuss this further, please call me at any time.
Yours in Christ,
David Padfield

Now..It doesn't matter.  But it matters to God.