my arch nemesis...the tractor

I also have an arch nemesis....my tractor.

I have about two acres of grass I cut every week.  I recently got out the tractor and started cutting grass for the season...
I hate that thing...I think it still has the ghost of Mark inhabiting it!!
The first time I drove it (with no instruction) after Mark left I knew I was going to be OK...I felt like I could rule the world...it even cut grass!

As I have mentioned I live in an underground house and I have to cut the roof...and it is STEEP.
It always chugs out...I can never get it to the top without chugging off and once it does...I lose control...
I also put up a fence for the dogs last year  which makes it even harder to cut the grass on the hill.  I have visions of coming down too quick and ending up impaled on the fence...they will find me days later...dead...I need a couple of goats

Last year at the end of the summer I rolled the tractor off the hill and that was it...I stopped cutting the hill...so the grass was long going into winter and now needs cut desperately...I was scared to death when it happened...I called Nick who was in Washington at the time...knowing he couldn't help me...I just needed to cry...then I had to pull myself up and take care of it...of course I thought I could just flip it over...nope, I had to call a wrecker...
So the season begins...the grass cutting season and I have to come to terms with the evil tractor.  Just like I have to come to terms with other evil in this world.  I truly believe in evil...I have seen evil and experienced it.  It wasn't a tractor either!

God doesn't like evil...and that is my redemption...God will win out in the end over evil...just like I am going to win out over this evil tractor! Say a prayer for me!!

Another week of Disciple class

Another week of Disciple class...As always...every week is written just for me.  This week we studied the book of Micah...it contains that great scripture I talked about  back in early Feb. The scripture that just kept popping up...Micah 6:8
What does the Lord require of you?
To seek justice.
Love kindness
Walk humbly with our God.

How simple those things sound but do you know how hard they are?
Three easy things, that's all he asks.

We also talked about those kings and those Godly people and how they turned from God.  He calls them out on it.  We always think of the new testament God of peace, love and kumbaya.
But there is also the old testament God of punishment if you have sinned, over and over and over.  You don't listen or learn.  He still punishes today but we don't like to think of that.  He wouldn't do that to me...

Tonight we had to re-read Micah and write down the specific sins that Micah was calling the leaders and people on the carpet for.  Here is the list.
idolatry
harlots
scheming
evil in the bed
coveting of neighbor's fields and houses and scheme to take them
stealing
Eviction of the poor
hate good and love evil
abhor justice
twist it all to their way of thinking
officials pronounce judgement for bribes
priests want a price for their teaching
prophets will prophesy for money

Does any of this sound familiar?  Sure does to me!
We had to then mark which of these still exist today....guess what ALL of them!
Look what happened to Israel after this...exile...humiliation...
The message from Micah to his own people was they needed to ask for redemption and change their evil ways...the same message for us today...I am always amazed how the message of old is still pertinent today.
What does the Lord require of you?

perfection

Do you know how hard it is to be perfect?

It is life-changing when you realize there is no way you can ever be and stop trying!

When I was younger I tried real hard to hold it all together by trying hard to be perfect.
Tried to make my kids perfect...
Tried to have a perfect home...I am a clean freak still...
Tried to be perfect at my job...
Tried to have the perfect marriage....you see where that got me!
I thought everyone expected me to be perfect...wouldn't expect anything but....think that is childhood related? 

A few weeks ago we had a real screw up at work and I had to call someone and apologize for the mistake.

Her answer to me made me feel good and realize I've come a long way from perfection!  And that is a good thing.

She said to me.... it isn't very often someone humbles themselves enough to say I messed up and ask for forgiveness...

See...we never know where our wisdom will come from!

Being perfect is hard especially since we can never get there.  We can fool ourselves into thinking we are close...but....not going to happen.

There was only one who knew perfection...and we know who that was...I wear a WWJD bracelet right now along with the youth confirmation class at church.  It is to remind them and me.... when they look at it to think What Would Jesus Do...

I wonder if Jesus ever had to apologize?  bet not...
Perfection isn't good for us...we put extreme pressure on ourselves...for what??? for others to look at us and say...She's perfect...there are other things I would rather be known for...

pot holes

I hate this time of year...too early to fix pot holes and they are everywhere.  Some of them are so deep you can get lost in them.  My poor car...My house sits on an old road that is last on the list to get pot hole repairs. 
So, every morning...there I go.  Some days I miss them...some days I fall right into them.

So are the pot holes of life...deep and dark and you can get lost in them.  Then comes the summer and time for resurfacing...All those bottomless pits get covered over and those hurts and hard times come to an end and you are new and smooth again.

I am ready for some resurfacing!

going global

I love the stats.  At work, my real work, I am a marketer.  I market our state through every avenue I can from old fashion print advertising to the web and to social marketing.  I love to watch the web site traffic...see if I can tell where it is coming from...what brought it to the site...where it goes from here...what increases it...how much time it spent there...I love the numbers.  I can tell so much by watching the numbers.

That is what I love about this blog, too.
I love the stats...where you are all coming from to read my story.  I can not believe my German friends...Welcome...I check you all out every day!! I wonder what you see here...are you, too going through the hard times of divorce...I feel like you know me intimately.

I had only posted the first two posts when I got a FB from an acquaintance telling me she just found out her husband was having an affair and that day she saw my blog for the first time.  If what I went through can help one person it was all for naught.  If my pain can save your pain...I am here for you.  If my story helps..I am doing what I am suppose to do as a result of this trial in my life.

I knew God had a plan for all of this...as he says in Jeremiah..."I know the plans I have for you"...I knew God knew what he was doing with this mess I call my life. 
I think that is the answer...he expects me to help others struggling with the same thing...I will be your personal Sherpa...leading you through the mountains and out the other side.

So my global friends...visit often and we will share our stories.
Love and blessings to you all.

therapy

Every Monday night, the girlfriends and I get together at Tim Horton's and do "therapy".  Last night after book club we decided to stay in the church library, get a cup of coffee and have therapy there.  We raided the kitchen.  We found some kind of Italian cream cake and cheese doodles...sounds good! We  made a fresh pot of coffee and dispensed with some therapy.  These are great times of lots of talk.  What kind of week we are having...what is happening in everyone's life..Celebrations and pain, we've seen and heard it all.  Some weeks one of us needs it more than others but it is a group affair.

This therapy time gets us through our week.  We are accountable to each other.  We support each other. 
Thank goodness for this time together...It keeps us all sane...Personally I can tell when we don't get together.

This blog has also been therapy for me.  As I have written every day I feel myself getting stronger and stronger.  I am growing up.  I am standing taller. Everyone tells me how I have blossomed...even though I don't see it. I am making it on my own.  Some days are tough and I am amazed how two years later it can still affect me so. 

Therapy of all kinds has gotten me through this.  I am a talker and I would much rather talk it out.  I have had good counselors when I needed them.  Christian counselors who helped me work through the
God issues that came with this trial.  They asked the right questions.  I figured out the answers.

This new Disciple class has also been good therapy.  It makes me do daily bible study which I need.  Always working with the youth keeps me from adult bible study and I need adult conversation about what I believe, which only helps me to grow.

 It is time for the next phase of this healing process. 

There will come a time when Mark will only be a distant memory and I can see it coming.  A little bit at a time.  I always had him, his girlfriend and his family blocked on my Facebook page but one day I thought..Why give them that power over me. It doesn't matter.

Isn't it amazing how we get here from there.

Thank goodness it happens.  The stages of grief.  Then one day you just wake up and realize, it is over.  I won't allow him to hurt me any more.  It is amazing how you just suddenly realize poof it's gone. Everyone told me "It just takes time" and when you are in the midst of it you can't see that ever happening..but it does.

Therapy and time.

Amen!

book club

Tonight was book club.  There are usually about 12 of us and tonight there were only 5. But boy did we discuss. We read the book "Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet".  I love when a book makes you think.

This book was centered around the Japenese interment camps during World War II.  One of our discussions was could this happen today.  Would your government purposefully take one race and put them away? Seperate them? Would we support something like this happening?  Today some churches hear "hate" preached from the pulpit.  During the election the hatred of Barak Obama, because he was black pouring from the pulpits. You should be ashamed.  God would be ashamed.  We talked about how the Muslin faith has been persecuted since 9/11. 

Don't you find yourself sometimes saying..."What is wrong with this world?" Why is there so much hatred?
The world has never changed.  Jesus came into a world of  hate.  Thank goodness he brought the message of loving all peoples or we may have never heard the Good News.

That scripture from Micah keeps coming back to me...and that is what we are reading this week in Disciple class.  The story of Micah..."What does the Lord require of me? Seek justice, love kindness (mercy) and walk humbly with our God."  Someone in this world has to stand up like Micah and say...stop the hate, stop the injustice and I don't know if we have that strong voice today.

But you have my little voice...my one voice saying....stop the hatred of black, white, yellow, Democrat and Republican, Muslim and Jew and Christian.  Stop the hate of people you work with or family members or ex-family members.  ( I need to listen to my own words...I get it.) Remember, we are all one under God. 
Stop the hate.

the sermon meant for you

So, yesterday was one of those days at church.  You know when the sermon is written just for you.
I  know this is not the case but it was one of those times when Greg might as well have been sitting down in front of me and giving me a talkin' to.

It was one based on the woman at the well scripture and the exodus out of Egypt and those whiny Israelites.  Nothing was good enough for them.  They wanted to turn back and head back to Egypt at the first sign of hardships and trouble.  Egypt, where they were slaves.

Are you seeing how this fits in to my situation?  Sometimes I am so afraid to take a step forward.  I would rather run backward.  Like Moses tells them "There is no road back to Egypt"...and I need to hear that sometimes.  There is no road back you can only move forward!

And that poor woman at the well, who said to Jesus..."I don't deserve this"...whining too, about her five husbands...and in the end turns it around after listening and meeting Jesus to "I don't deserve this grace and love you give so freely".

It is easy to whine and much harder to take that first baby step forward into the future.  The future may not be what we were expecting...I was expecting rocking chairs on a front porch and growing old together...but it is what what we get...a future not really sure where it is going...so pull up your big girl panties and get on with your life.

So, like Moses told those Israelites..."stop your whining and snivelling and move it, forward that is"...well not really but he wishes he had! 

the tough questions

Yesterday was a day spent with my grandson, Zack.  He had spent the night on Friday and his sister had a bunch of stuff to do on Saturday so Zack and I just hung out all day.  We watched movies, he played video games a lot!, we played geocache in the house. (He hid one I had to find it.) It was a great normal and ordinary game.

Friday night we found the golf ball retriever and Zack said look he didn't take it.  It made me stop and think about all that he has heard about this divorce and how it plays in his eyes.  He always asks me the tough questions.  He has told me he doesn't want to move (they are moving in June to the state of Washington...clear across the country) because he doesn't want me to be alone.  He has told me he will come back and stay with me.  I think he really worries about me.  I try to reassure him all is OK.  I will visit him often but he has figured it out...it won't be the same.

Yesterday he asked...What do you do here when you are all alone?  I gave him a list...and he responded you are so alone...I told him to look at all the dogs laying around the room and ask himself was that true.  He smiled...and then said "You forgot to say you watch TV".

The tough questions are hard to answer.  They know their pappy did something wrong.  They know no one talks to him but their mom.  They know we are divorced.  If they are like me they've made up quite a story.
They do see pappy and that is good. 

The tough questions.  When they come you have to think before you answer.  You worry, have you said the right thing.  Some of them you can't answer. Some of them you just have to say "I don't know." 

Last week at Sunday School the youth talked about Revelations..which will blow your mind but also raises tons of questions.  They asked me some tough ones about death and I had to explain...some things we don't know...I wish I could tell you this is how it will be, but I don't know.  I do know I trust God to do what he has told me he will do, if I do what he has asked me to do.

Our job is to trust the Lord.  His job is to carry me.  He has done a pretty good job so far getting me through my Revelation (my new name for the last two years) and I trust he will get me through more.

And I thank him and praise him.
Amen

robin eggs and babies

So back to that robin building a nest in the rhododendron bush at the front of the house...Robins have been reusing that nest for the past four years.  Every year they just add to what is already there and get it all ready for a new brood.

The thing about that nest is...it isn't a very good one.  It is sort of close to the ground..not well hidden...and every year the eggs or the babies disappear.  Which tells me either the big black snake that hangs around the front of the house or the cats that pass through have a great meal.

So why do these bird brains keep returning to the same nest...think there would be a red flag there! Do not use!

Why do we keep returning to the same ol' ways?  This week in Disciple Class I have moved on from the prophets to the kings that were leading ...some pretty bad guys...they all did evil in the sight of the Lord...only one every so often returned to the way of his ancestor David...and when you read what they did...everything from child sacrifices to trying to burn incense on an alter...they were rotten.

I read something in the workbook how the people of Israel thought...God will forgive us...we can do it, ask for forgiveness and he will never punish us...guess what...wrong O!

There was that exile thing...he punished...I am sure he hits a point where he says...enough is enough...they will never learn if I don't punish them...and it happens.

I need to learn this lesson...I don't want to be like that robin and keep coming back to the same ol' nest to have the same ol' things happen...I don't want to be like those Israelites thinking my God would NEVER punish me...We all need to take a hard look at ourselves...see what we are doing wrong in the sight of our Lord and change our ways ...I don't want to think of the punishment or maybe I've already experienced the punishment.  Sometimes I wonder...

the lady in black

My youngest son, Justin was a big Johnny Cash fan and I was always fascinated why Johnny was called "The Man in Black".  Of course I had some big made-up story but the truth was as follows:

 He wore black for the poor and the beaten down, the prisoner who has long paid for his crime, for those who never read or listened to the words that Jesus said. For the sick and lonely, in mournin' for the lives that could have been. For the thousands who have died, believen' that the Lord was on their side. I'd love to wear a rainbow every day, and tell the world that every thing's OK, but I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back, Til things are brighter, I'm the Man in Black.

Until the wrongs of the world are righted.

I used to wear black all of the time.  I wore it because I thought it made me look smaller.  Weight and I have always had a battle.   I was never heavy until after I had my kids and then the battle started...I was a yo yo dieter...up and down...I was at my highest right before the divorce.  I always said Mark loved me more when I was skinnier and that was the first question I asked him about Kathy.  Is she skinny...of course she was.  Which shot my self-esteem all to hell.

Divorce is the best diet there is.  I couldn't eat for months because I would get physically sick.  I threw up.  I could not eat.  I lost a total of 75 pounds.   In the past year I have slowly put some back on, but as my boys told me...it was healthy weight as I started to eat again.  I also exercised three times a week... right after Mark leaving and just for something to do.  In my Zumba class there were four of us going through divorces.  So we talked.

As I lost weight the color came back into my wardrobe.  The bright colors that I have always loved.  The fuchsia...oranges and teals.  I do love color and brighter the better. Not tacky though some might not agree.  I sometimes wonder if psychologically I was wearing black as a statement of what my life was like without actually expressing what I was feeling...maybe my choice of clothes was an outward sign of the sadness in my life...and I didn't even know it.

You can't feel bad about yourself when you know you are looking good!!
Keep healthy and stay fit.  Feel good!
My rainbow on my back says everything is good and getting better all the time!

thankful

Many years ago I started writing every evening three things that happened or were in my life that day  that I was thankful for.  During this dark period of my life I stopped doing that.  I really need to come up with a good name for these two years of my life! (Armageddon?)
About 6 months ago I thought I have got to stop being Debbie Downer and need to start being more positive.  I realized I had stopped saying thanks, I had stopped writing down what I was grateful for.

Last night I was grateful for:
Grand kids and sleepovers that included building forts, building campfires and roasting hot dogs for the first time over a fire.
Dogs that entertain grand kids and grand kids that entertain dogs!
Sitting outside in the dark and talking about deep things with grand kids. Like the universe and the stars and Jack the Ripper.(Zack is in this mystery of the universe phase.)
Sleeping in a big bed with two kids and 5 dogs
Fun Fun Fun

Sometime, after I pass away when the kids  are cleaning out my house my boys are going to find these volumes of journals...and I hope they take time to read them and know that I was thankful for my time with them, their kids and on this earth.

We are blessed every day...every day God touches our lives and blesses us...some days we have to look hard to find those blessing.  Most days they are easy to spot.

Before you go to bed tonight even if you don't write it down think about how God has blessed you that day and say thanks.

bubble baths

When did a bath start feeling so good?  As a kid you hated to take a bath...you whined and complained...must be because it meant bed time.  But now, I will almost kill for a nice hot bath.

I do some of my best thinking in a bath tub...I read in the bath tub...I do the crossword in the bath tub...I remember I used to be so embarrassed when friends would call and my dad would say..."She's in the tub"...that just sounded bad...

But today...I just ignore the phone if it rings during my bath time.  I take one every morning...a looooong one.
I shut the door put in some good smells and relax.

Last night I gave the grand kids their baths getting before getting ready for bed and Taylor and I had a long discussion about how much we both love a bath...how good it feels.  Beats a shower any time!

We are washed clean.

uhuhuh...washed clean sounds like biblical talk...during recent mission trips we took part in a foot washing...where we as leaders wash the feet of our youth and pray over them...it is an extremely moving experience...very emotional.

Peter and Jesus have a discussion about washing feet.
"No," said Peter, "you shall never wash my feet." Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me."

Taylor and Zack are spending the night tonight...and Taylor has requested a pedicure...to have her feet washed...so I can feel good and my feet will smile she tells me...

believing in the risen Lord washes us clean...and our whole being smiles...there is no dirt on us...no sin can touch us...we are washed clean by him.

I am ready for that bath Lord...wonder if he can make it with bubbles??

white pants and dogs

White  pants and dogs don't go together...I love a deal...I love to shop...I am a clothes horse.
So, I found this pair of winter white pants for 99 cents...that's right...what a deal...I always say I could roll in the dirt with them for that price...I can't travel by the Coldwater Creek outlet without stopping...I find great deals.

So I am looking all spiffy...

First thing when I come home from anywhere is I bolt for the door and let out five squirming fur bodies...

Remember lil' Guy?  First think he does after he uses the bathroom is barrel as fast as he can and jumps on me...I saw him coming...I saw him running at full bore...all I could do it turn to the side...

It had rained the night before...
Do I need to say more...down the side of the pants...white pants...mud...

That's when I question why I have dogs...but one look in those cute puppy eyes and that lopsided puppy grin...who can resist...(Nick will love that response to his arch nemesis)

Sin is sortta like that...we are pure and white...and we keep getting really muddy with all that sin...one look in our cute lil' human eyes and our sweet lil' human smile and God forgives...thanks to his son who hung on a cross.

Just like lil' guy...we keep doing it over and over...it's a daily thing..

I keep saying, One day I'll spend time with him and break him of this bad behavior...I am sure God says that too...One day she'll learn.

harlots, adulterers

So, I promised to tell you about my disciple class again this week.  This week was the story of Hosea and his unfaithful, adulterous wife Gomer.  My first visit to my counselor following my discovery of Mark's affair, he told me to read this story.  Probably because it ends with redemption, forgiveness and pure love. I didn't see it or get it then...I thought what an idiot Hosea is...now I get it!!

I've never heard the word harlot or adultery used so much in one book of the bible, with a little whoring thrown in now and then...Sounds like one of my outbursts!  Here is what our workbook said:

Notice how God relates the punishment to the crime..."You played the whore" therefore everything is polluted, adulterated (Hosea 9:1)
The security of home has been violated..(Hosea 9:14)
You wanted to wander like a wild ass (8:9) So be it! You will "become a wanderer among nations" (9:17)
Cause and effect is how God explains it...You plow wickedness; you reap injustice (10:13)  You break the bonds of marriage... you end up in slavery.

Sounds like one of my rampages I get on....was he talking about Gomer or the people he loved, Isreal?
It was both...That's what I love about bible study...we think it is this oh so boring book of the bible...when it is so much more...my youth would love this story because of all of the sexing and whoring...they would love to just be able to say those words!! And to think it is right there in the bible...and they think it is just Jonah and the whale.

And after all of this ranting and raving about the Isrealites...God still can't punish his people because he loves them too much...He talks a good one but talks himself out of it if they repent of their ways...just like Hosea will do if Gomer repents...and like Kim would have done if Mark would have repented.  It talked about how the prophet, Hosea could prophesy on this topic because he knew how God felt when he was betrayed he understood God's pain ...because he too had been so betrayed and heart broken...I understand too, God...I've been there with you...and I pray I never forget the pain, sorrow and that oh so sick feeling,
God responds to all the betrayal by saying....It is I (God) who answers and looks after you. (Hosea 14:8)
You know what this means?  He also knows exactly I feel and felt...wow!

Sort of goes with that song last night...God's grace...you can never get too far from it...you can never do anything so bad that God gives up on you...God's love is unconditional and forever.

I need to learn a few lessons.

Thank goodness it is.

God's Grace

During a mission trip several years ago to Nicaragua, a lady I met shared this song by U2 and it has continued to be a favorite. I thought I would share it with you.

Grace
U2
Grace, she takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name

Grace, it's a name for a girl
It's also a thought that changed the world

And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything

Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma, karma
She travels outside of karma

When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty in everything

Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flute for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition
What once was hurt, what once was friction
What left a mark no longer stains
Because Grace makes beauty out of ugly things

Grace finds beauty in everything
Grace finds goodness in everything

Words with Friends

I am hooked...I love it!...I cheat...I have scrabble solver...not all the time!
If you live under a rock and don't know what it is...Words with Friends is your phone's version of scrabble.  Right now I have about 8 games going on with family and friends and 2 games with people I don't know.

The other night Jenn and I were sitting on the couch next to each other, not talking and having an intense game with each other!! One would play and you would hear "ARGGG" "What" "How did you get that many"

Even my grandson Zack plays Words with Friends. Most of the time I get my butt kicked...but that's OK...I love it...

So, the cheating...sometimes when I don't see a word I will put the letters into scrabble solver and find words or the other thing I do is just try letters until you get a word....that's when you learn those weird words you didn't know existed...I do the morning crossword in our paper, sometimes I know those weird what I call crossword words.

Sometimes I cheat with God...I'll read my horoscope...and think my day is going to be great! (thou shall have no other Gods...I am reading about those Baal's right now in Disciple class)... Sometimes I will say "My God" and not in the good way (thou shall not take name in vain) ...the Sabbath is when I get my most work done! (remember the Sabbath and keep it holy) my mom can drive me insane (honor thy mother and father)..I sometimes run stuff off at work for church (thou shall not steal)  and covet is a whole other story.

So, the other day I talked about Kathy and Mark and the commandments they broke...looks like I better look at myself and ask God to forgive those daily sins I commit and work on me.

I always wonder, what about those sins I don't even know about...those things God thinks are sins that are considered okay today and I don't even know it's a sin. See the things that keep me up at night! 

There is no way I can be a perfect person...all I can do is try...work on it and be the best I can be and ask for forgiveness every day.

hi ho hi ho its off to work we go

If I haven't said it...I love my job...
I am the product of a work consolidation that no one wanted to happen but me...23 of us came together and after the departure of  waves of folks and the hiring of new folks we are at 19.  We have been together five years now...I left a job that everyone envied but it was a job that kept me away from home three days of the week..and I missed my home...I was also stuck..I was a woman among a group of men...you can make conclusions and you would be right.  There was nowhere for me to go.

So, I left and joined a group of people who valued my opinion and where I was allowed to contribute to the conversation...and I LOVE it...I was lucky enough to be in on the establishment of a new agency within state government and an agency that was set up to be self sufficient....I love a challenge.

And the job is high tempo and fast paced and I am constantly busy.  I am also around a wonderful group of people who took care of me through this tough time in my life.  I spent months sitting at my desk and doing NO work...I was in a daze, I was numb, I kept my door shut and it took months before I even felt like doing the job that I loved...but thank goodness I have it...it keeps me busy...so busy during the day I don't have time to think.  Today was one of those crazy, wacky days that I thrive on.

And the people I came in contact through my job led me in directions I needed to go...I heard today one of them is retiring...after the divorce I had to sit down with our payroll guy and he took my hand and walked me through what I needed to do to get Mark off my insurance, off as my beneficiary...and all the tons of paperwork I had to do to wipe him out of my life.  I cried and he gave me tissues...I sobbed and he took his time...it was tough...and today I thanked him for being so gentle with me at that emotional time.

I know you've heard the line... God puts people in your life when you need them...some for a day...some for a year...and some for a lifetime...and I have watched as my life went on and the people I needed at that time  faded from it...it is pretty amazing when you think of it...how God knows just what you need right at that moment...I am so grateful for all of the people that have helped me through these past couple of years...

It is a great question to ponder...Does everyone we come in contact with have a purpose by God to be in our life?  Does he place them each carefully where we need them?  What about the evil people?  Do they have a purpose too? They definitely teach us something...

What if we miss someone put there just for us?..what if we walk past and don't bother to speak....and we miss the opportunity?

What do you think?  Has it happened to you?

red red robin turns into Santa Hat

I started to write about robins moving into a nest in front of my house and got off on the Santa Hat track...someone must need to hear this...because this is what God has laid on my heart this morning.

As I was writing I was reminded of a story...might as well share it...one Christmas the folks I work with had their annual Christmas lunch where we all went out together...So, we play this "Santa hat" game...everyone wore a Santa hat...someone quietly slipped theirs off...and if you saw there was someone without a hat you slipped yours off until there was only one person with a hat remaining...they were the person who didn't have a clue...it was our boss...to this day when something is going on around us and someone can't see it or doesn't have a clue we say  "Santa hat"..."He's having a "Santa hat" moment...not a clue...

...I have those moments too...not a clue...On the road to Emmaus there was a Santa hat moment...
In Luke 24 we hear how these two guys are walking along and someone walks up to them (it's Jesus) and they don't have a clue its him and tell him all about all that has happened to the prophet Jesus.

Luke 24:17 He asked them, “What are you discussing together as you walk along?”
   They stood still, their faces downcast. ¹⁸ One of them, named Cleopas, asked him, “Are you the only one visiting Jerusalem who does not know the things that have happened there in these days?”

So, I think Jesus knew what happened in Jerusalem...he was killed...but poor ol' Cleopas...not a clue...
Now I see where this is going...God moments...are like that...if you aren't open to them...they can be happening all around you...you close your eyes...put on your Santa hat and don't have a clue...open your eyes and your heart...and look for the confirmation there is a God...let him tell you through God moments...take off that Santa hat...and get with the program..

God walks beside you, just like on the Emmaus Road...every day..reach out and touch him.
Experience God moments.

hiding from the storm

It is storming here tonight (this picture is one Jennifer had on FB of Sam hiding from the storm tonight)...on Friday I was at Nick and Jennifer's and we heard a storm coming.  The minute we heard it Sam, went looking for a place to hide.  He is scared to death of storms and by the time it hit he was under an end table in the living room (that one)...one end on one side and the other end out the other side.  He is a large dog so it was pretty funny to see.  He didn't think it was funny at all.  Wonder what it is about storms that scare him so?

I live in an underground house and when it storms I can go to the back bedrooms and hear nothing of the thunder or hard rain.  All is dark and all is quiet.

Hiding from the storm.  There are times I wish I could do that.  When tough times hit ...just go and hide and never come out.  But just like Sam the storm passes and we have to come out.  We have to face the world...we have to go on.

Knowing I love to read one of the first books someone at church gave me when they heard about my troubles was "This Too Shall Pass"  and I found it it one of my favorite verses...I have this verse hanging on my desk so I can see it every day...and when I read it I sing it...."Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."  Psalm 119:105

When you want to hide from the storm just look for the light...it can lead you out of the darkness and to safety in the arms of the Lord.

Amen

alone

One of the hardest things about divorce is being alone...I love my family and spend lots of time talking to and being with them, I love my friends and the time I spend with them... but it is the every day alone.  My poor dogs...they hear it all...

I am a chatterer...I tell you all of it...I tell you everything...there is nothing you don't hear...and Mark would listen...he didn't always respond but he was there...a body to bounce things off of...a body to vent to...someone to discuss with...politics, family, religion...we could talk about anything ( seems we didn't talk about his unhappiness).  And he knew the background...when I fussed about my mother....he knew where I was coming from.

Now, I like my quiet time, too...I used to always get up early, even when the kids were home, just to have my quiet time...to read and meditate...

And to all of you women who wish he would just go away so you could do what you wanted...don't...it isn't all it's cracked up to be.

There is one upside...finding out you can do anything...things you never expected or thought you could do.
Climb under the house and find a leak...cutting the grass on a hill with the tractor (that's another story), buying a car, getting your own insurance, figuring out how to pay for something, budgeting your money...
The first time I started the tractor I was so proud of myself...and getting it to cut grass..I was a genius!!

But I do worry about things...health, who will take me for a colonoscopy (can you imagine!!), who will take care of my dogs if something happens (I have actually considered adopting a few of them out), money is a constant worry,  what if my job would suddenly end?  What if I got deathly sick...I can go on and on.

The book of Matthew tells us: Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?
²⁶"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? ²⁸And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

That's my answer and that is my hope...and I don't know better than God...I am sure you are starting to see a pattern here...I know what I should do...I know what I need to do....but it is hard to do it...but life would be so much easier if I gave it all to him...I remember Mark asking me...how can you sleep so soundly at night...don't you worry...well I didn't then...but I do now....

Alone is not all it's cracked up to be...

jesus jokes

My God has a real sense of humor...look at the twists and turns life takes...you can't tell me at some point in time he just doesn't burst out laughing!! I don't think he is spiteful...and when a plan comes together I don't think he says...FINALLY...instead I think he feels pure joy and laughs...

Do you think Jesus told jokes...even perfect people tell a good joke or laugh at one!  Surely someone walked up to him and said...Hey, did you hear the one about the rabbi!!

Scripture fills us with joy and laughter:
Proverbs 17:22   A joyful heart is good medicine
Job 8:21 He will fill your mouth with laughter...
Psalm 2:4  He who sits in  heaven laughs...
Ecclesiastes 3:4  A time to weep and a time to laugh
Philippians 4:4  Rejoice in the Lord always, and again I say rejoice.

I love the author Cynthia Rylant, she is known for her children's books and I love her West Virginia connection which comes across in many books.  She has one not many folks know about called:  "God went to Beauty School."  I get this picture in my mind and it makes me laugh!!
"He went there to learn how
to give a good perm
and ended up just crazy
about nails.

Don't you love it!! God could give a perfect perm...but he came to learn and loves nails because he loves our hands...to feel them and look at them...
Other story/poems in the book include: "God got a dog" and he names it Ernie...doesn't that just make you laugh!!  Another is God bought a couch from Pottery Barn but didn't have a delivery address...or think about "God got cable and didn't do anything for a week but watch TV...but my all time favorite is:God climbed a Mountain...why...just because it was there!..he hated the cold, he hated the snow...but when he got to the top...it took his breath away...and he said...Why didn't I put everyone up here..everyone would say WOW...next time I'll do that...

So, have joy in the Lord...enjoy your God time...he does...and laugh with God...tell him a good joke about a rabbi.....I'll give you one!

There's a priest, a minister and a rabbi. They're out playing golf and they're trying to decide how much to give to charity.

So the priest says, we'll draw a circle on the ground, we'll throw the money way up in the air and whatever lands inside the circle, we give to charity.

The minister says "no", we'll draw a circle on the ground, throw the money way up in the air and whatever lands outside, that's what we give to charity.

The rabbi says "no, no, no", we'll throw the money way up in the air and whatever God wants, He keeps.

See you laughed!

spring feel it

Did you get your treat last night?  That beautiful moon?

Yesterday I spent the day with Taylor, my granddaughter, and we had a girl's day.  We planted pansies.  We did toes and fingernails.  We watched a movie...We took a nap...We sipped sweet iced tea from wine glasses.  A true girls day.

At one point the dogs were doing their doggie back scratch thing rolling with all four feet in the air...I asked her "Have you ever done that?" To which she said, "No"...so she got on the floor in the living room and tried it...her smile was huge.  Taylor will try anything.

Yesterday was a perfect spring day.  The dogs were outside, as were we, most of the day and at one point I looked up and they were running as fast as they could, chasing each other and what you might call "frolicking". 

Spring is here dear friends...I LOVE this time of year...

An ordinary day is get up, go to work, come home, work at home...but yesterday was special....It was the kind of day I could have forever...with those you love...enjoying the beauty of nature...smiling, happy...all is well in the world..

But all isn't well...I have news alerts on my phone and the air strikes in Libya came through yesterday, before that is was the nuclear disaster in Japan, the tsunami in Japan.  There are those suffering in the world and I ask for yesterday forever. 

Why do bad things happen?  That is the question thrown up whenever you talk about God...how could a God allow thousands of innocent people to be killed?  How does a God allow a leader like Libya's survive and rule?  Not being a theologian...but this I know is true...God loves me...and he gets me through these times...his strength...his scripture...my prayers to him...get me through tough times...and he watches over me...his love and his eye...I remember doing a children's sermon right after 9-11 and we drew a heart and an eye...that's the simple answer.

God loves Kim and God loves you.

words

I cut this out of a magazine...words to live by and strive for...i hope some day they describe me.
calm
joy
drive
shine
pizzazz
excitement
confidence
peace
hope
guts
resolve
nerve
zing
spirit
pep
glee
momentum
sparkle
sass
moxie
ooomph
I hope I live all of them.

sex, lies and videotapes

That was the title of a movie and I just thought I would use it...you won't find much sex or videotapes but lots of lies.

I relive those lies all the time...and I kick myself...why didn't I know...why didn't I see it...did I just not want to?  Two years later and I still question and search for answers.

In May of 2009 we went on a family cruise to Bermuda...at the time the affair had started...I was on the elevator taking the grand kids to the kid's room and saw Mark sprinting through the hall like a crazy man...if you knew him he never sprinted...I said something to him and he said he set up an email account and was keeping in contact with work.  I remember saying...Are you having an affair...his response was always "When would I have time"...that was true...the man was always home...I forgot about lunch hours.

That trip he bought perfume for the girls at work.  How stupid can I be?

One day I hugged him when he came in from work and he smelled like perfume and I mentioned it...he said it was lotion that Marie had on her desk at work...once again how stupid...since when do you put lotion on your neck?

I could go on and on...the classic signs..weight loss, worrying about how he looked, leaving for work earlier and earlier, hidden cell phone calls and texts, hidden facebook pages, hidden email accounts...the excuses for them all...Make note ladies...classic signs.

I relive those things at the stupidest times...sometimes they re-play themselves over and over again...two years later and I can't turn off my brain...is there something wrong with me?...I always thought I was pretty bright...a go-getter...could reason out situations...could figure things out...I have a brain...

I also always felt like I took a vow before God and God expected me to uphold that vow forever...I remember all of those divorce scripture...

“But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” When they were in the house again, the disciples asked Jesus about this. He answered, “Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.”

Mark 10:2-12

 

Corinthians says:  Do not divorce your husband...and I did...I initiated it..when I found out he would not give up Kathy (who he will soon marry) I did it...did I do wrong? Did I go against what God has set forth for us?

I do doubt sometimes.  I wonder if I did the right thing...was I being selfish?  was I being as self-centered as I blame him for being?  Was I being punished? I would always go back to the 10 Commandments and think they committed about 8 of them...Kathy was married at the time so not only my vow before God but hers too.  I took that vow forever.  I remember her husband saying to me...She is leaving me to do God's work...and he laughed and said "I didn't know God's work was adultery." (I just re-read this and realized that comment is snarky but I'm not taking it out...a little bitterness today)

 

My counselor, a Christian counselor, reassured me and gave me scripture that said...Adultery is the only reason...God understands infidelity...he understands betrayal...his time on earth taught him about human beings and how they will lie and cheat.

 

But the questions always come...the kick myself in the butt times...the whys? the hows?  the how stupids!

 

And then there is my Jeremiah 29:11scripture...I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you, not to harm you and give you a future and hope.

 

The books all say....No looking back, its over... look forward only ...but tell my brain and my heart that. 

 

 

blog fodder

Any time something happens in my life...Nick will laugh and say...more blog fodder!!

It is funny how you can see God in anything...
You can see his handiwork in many places and see his humor in places, too.

Does everyone see it this way?
Does everyone see God making moves with their lives?

I have started writing down blog ideas...things that I can tie to God and things that make me think of God.

My list right now includes:
bubble baths
prostrate on the ground
big days
going global
the tractor
bitterness
don't want to work anymore
Grace U2
Words with Friends
It happened to me

Some times I use these ideas and sometimes I start with one idea and go off in a completely different direction.  It is those times when I know God has the pen...when God has the key board. 
The amazing thing about this blog...the ease at which it comes...the direction that it takes...the things I say and then look at and say "wow" where did that come from?!

I just added : pillows and girls night out with Taylor and Jenn

Look for your own God fodder and you may be surprised the places you see God...in the every day and in the mundane, in the humor and in the sadness...God is always there. We can't hide from or walk away from God because he knows what we are up to and what we don't want people to know...what we try to hide from others.  Every action has a reaction.  Our choices have consequences.  One day we will all stand before God and answer for the way we've acted and the way we haven't acted. 

There is a lot of work to be done here.  There is a lot of word to spread. So get busy, get out there and look for God.

treats

My mom laughs at my dogs as she always says...they think just going outside they deserve a treat!!
I am an "over-treater" with my dogs...they DO get treats any time they want...ergo,(where did that word come from?) their weight issues!

This morning as I walked outside with them at 5a.m. I got a God treat.  The moon and stars were beautiful.  When we read the book of Amos for Disciple Class there is a line about God that says he created Orion and the Pleiades (Seven Sisters)...I get that...I find it exciting that I know those constellations,too...the same ones Moses and Amos watched in the night sky...this morning I found the belt of Orion in the early morning sky...God says I know those, also...we share a knowledge...we share another connection.
The moon this morning was on the horizon and it was huge...what a gift.

I opened my email this morning and there was an email from my niece announcing:
On March 19th, a full Moon of rare size and beauty will rise in the east at sunset. It's a super "perigee moon"--the biggest in almost 20 years.

So you also are going to receive a God treat!  Just like my dogs...just for going outside!  Pull out your chairs tomorrow night and enjoy that full moon.  While enjoying it know it is a treat from God...he made that...he put it in the sky for you and for me...what a blessing!

disciple class week 3-4

I talked a couple of weeks ago about the prophets of old...this week in Disciple class we focused on Amos...one of my favorite prophets...he was one of the first written prophets who was prophesing in Isreal while Homer was writing in Greece.

He is a poet...he stepped of his comfort zone and went North, when God called, to tell them how corrupt they were.  How evil they were.  He stood up for what he believed in...even though he was standing alone...he could have been the poster boy for that saying!!

The line everyone knows from Amos is 5:23.."But let justice roll down like waters, and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream." 

I am reading "When God Whispers Your Name" by Max Lucado...in it I highlighted Exodus 14:14..."The Lord will fight for you."  This is his job to fight...our job is to trust...just trust...not direct...or question...or yank the steering wheel out of his hands...our job is to pray and wait.

That is what Amos did...he knew God was fighting for him and left his homeland without a worry and marched North...Lucado described it as...if you were in a street fight and your dad was standing right there who would you yell to help you?  It is your father...your God.

This past year and a half...I have trusted...I have tried not to question...i have yelled to God for the help in the fight...I know God sees the top of the puzzle box...I just see that piece I'm trying to fit in the puzzle...force in the puzzle...

Trust...unconditional trust is hard...
Next week we study Hosea and Gomer his adulterous, faithless wife...this should be a good study for me!
Amen and Amen!

it isn't what it seems

This divorce and adultry has had some wierd consequesnces for me... i think and believe nothing is what it seems...there are motives to everything...nothing is done just because.

I see two people together in a parking lot and I think...they are having an affair...
I see two people not talking at dinner...he is cheating on her...
I see a man in a sports car and "Born to be Wild" blasting out of radio and I think...mid-life crisis
I see a single man and I now look immediatly for their wedding ring or ring line (Mark never wore one...that should have told me something! Wonder if Kathy can get him to wear one)
I see these pictures on e-harmony and think...what do men think?  A few extra pounds can be seen in your profile picture.

The internet has a language all of its own!
What's with these online profile names? and all these Harley references?
I read in the book "Still Hot"
If his profile says:
I'm looking for my soul mate:   He's been out there for a long time, and will remain there...
If it says would like a non-demanding woman:  He has intimacy issues.
I'm semi-retired:  He occasionaly gets up out of the barcalounger to look through his Start Your Own Business book shelf.
I quit the rat race:  He spends his days in an overstuffed armchair at Barnes and Noble reading Hustler for free.
He describes his body type as "above average":  He only looks in the mirror on the medicine cabinet.
He says I've been told I am handsome:  Yea by his mom!

Divorce does crazy things to you...and one is not believing a word anyone says, or trusting anyone, wanting to know everything about someone just to make sure he has never hurt another woman.
I know God tells us not to judge others...but really, some men...
I know God tells us to trust him with our own heart, lean not on our own smarts...

 God is a man (maybe a man) I can trust in...

do i see it?

I am an NPR junkie...tonight on my way home from a great evening with my girlfriends I was listening to Christen Tippet who was interviewing two Jesuit priests...and one made a comment..."If I hadn't believed it I would have never seen it." 

That stuck with me...that is what God moments are all about...that sums it up so nicely...if I hadn't believed...I would have never seen him...if you aren't open to God in your life you miss it...you miss the "ah ha" moments...those wondrous times when you KNOW there is a God...when God makes an appearance in your life.

There was a God moment last night at church...we (Lora and I) have been struggling with our youth group...we've outgrown NOOGL...we knew something else needed to be done and last night it was handed to us at a church council meeting...handed to us on a platter.  God's handiwork was all over it...he should have just slapped me up side the head and said....I am doing this...it was so evident.

I carry around a mustart seed in my car and there is one on my desk at work...If I have just that much faith...that little,itty, teeny ,tiny bit...I can move mountains...I can say " Move it" and it will...if I have faith...and it doesn't take a lot of faith...just the size of a mustard seed...

I measure my faith by that daily...do I have it...can I use it...do I trust him...Do I believe enough to see it?
Do I see God in all of it?  Do I see God in everything I experience?
Faith put to the test...just believe.

butterflies fly away

As many of you know my family is changing with the departure of my son, Nick to the west coast.  I am excited for this new adventure for him and his family... while sad because I won't have the daily contact that I have now with he, Jenn and the kids.

It seems like every day there is a pang of growth...never a growth spurt just a pang of change...over the past few weeks I've realized I am not stuck here.  That came as a jolt.

Once Nick and his family leave there is nothing holding me to Winfield WV...the house is my dream house...the house I always wanted...but it is just that...a house...four walls...it is what fills the house that I don't want to loose.  I love Zack being there racing his bike up and down the drive way...Taylor playing with the dogs...that is what makes it a home...I want Lilah to be inside my four walls...learning to walk and falling down.  I don't want to miss her growing up.

The time is coming and I can physically feel it...the decision is looming... I need to decide where I am going and what I will be doing...this is like a metamorphosis...that cocoon I've been in the past year and a half is getting tight and I am ready to poke out a wing real soon. 

Lent is about looking inside yourself but the season of Easter is all about blossoming...that butterfly awakening...that butterfly fly away, nodding my head like, moving my hips...ooops got carried away there...I think that is a song I've heard over and over and over..Easter is about renewal and rebirth...

There is no better time for me to be reborn than during this time...keep me in your prayers as I make these major life decisions...

Someone made the comment last night...we need to pray fully consider...and I need to pray fully consider this life calling.  Prayer is a powerful thing. One time a friend told me when I asked him to pray for something specifically he said...maybe we need to pray that God's will be done...and that is what I pray today...God's will be done.

weekend music

So, I could go on forever...I started to post at one point this weekend and Nick reminded me to think before I press send!!
After my family weekend I went to the eastern panhandle to see my son Justin, Sarah and my new granddaughter that I had not seen in a month...it was an awesome visit...

The other thing that was awesome was the long 5 hour drive home at midnight because I SANG at the top of my lungs...belted it out! It was great therapy...
There are songs that help you through times like this and I have my own play list.  Last night they included John Denver...where I cried and cried...
Pink...where I yelled and shouted
Gloria Gaynor...I Will Survive....where I punched the air and added a few words of my own!!
some country song...something about you're so deep down in my soul
My all-time favorite is:  Breakeven by The Script...the lyrics are me!

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing...I got time while he got freedom...when a heart breaks no it don't break even.
What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you? What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your OK?
It was written for me.

In the book Runaway Husbands by Vikki Starks...there is a play list made up by women who have suffered through the trauma of betrayal...check it out and read it...make up your own...
Music is our soul...and it easily sheds light on our feelings.

Take a drive and turn it up LOUD...you will enjoy the therapy!

family time

This weekend we are all together...we are celebrating a wedding shower...it is our chance for time to come together as a family...and that is always a celebration.

I am reading right now...When God Whispers Your Name by Max Lucado...there is a chapter that addresses "Why Jesus went to the wedding in Canaan" and Max has deduced it is because he just wanted to have fun.  Can you imagine Jesus just having a good time..enjoying family and friends...cherishing the time together?

I am sure it would probably be a lot like our weekend...brothers, aunts, grand kids all mixed together.  Lots of talk, lots of history, lots of love...

I won't be writing for the next fee days (unless I have a lot to say about some of them) as I enjoy this family time!

Families are a blessing...this family has loved me through this whole thing..home is where I came when I first found out...home is where you come when you are hurting...home...

Families are blessings...amen and amen!

saying no

Do you know how hard it is for someone who always says yes, someone who is always looking for ways to help, how hard it is to say "NO"...today I stepped  away from something I felt I had to do...something I was expected to do...I said No...because I didn't feel God was calling me to do it.

I have prayed and prayed for an answer for this delimia ...I didn't feel anything so I knew it wasn't right...so I said NO...I'm not interested...

Once again Lora and I talked through this dilemma...she pulled out of me why I considered doing such a thing...and gave me her opinion...which when I sat down and wrote down the pros and cons...was right on...

I have always found when I ever have a question that I need  answered...I write down the pros and cons and will see my answer...plain and clear....

I  also pray and wait for an answer...and if you don't feel like your prayer was answered...that is probably your answer...no...God has no problem saying no...he knows what is best for us...and sometimes that answer is "NO"...

We don't say yes to our kids all of the time...neither does God.

Accept it...go on...
It's like the old Garth Brooks song...some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.

the best self help book ever written

I read the bible every day...I am always amazed at what gem I find...today's self help moment:

Ephesians 5:28
"...He who loves his own wife loves himself"

That explains a lot.
The operative word is ...his own....not someone else's...
sorry lent is only one day old! i've already broken my lent commitment!
I need to work on that....

mouse wars

I talk all of the time about the mouse wars that start at my house with the beginning of the cold weather and may end at spring time...this year in the early months...it was hell...i was battling and they were winning...when I opened my vanity in the bathroom and there was one spread eagle and snoozing on my towels...I knew it was time to start the annihilation of these beasts!

 I recently forgot about the trap under my vanity and the other night the dogs were standing outside that bedroom door staring..I opened the door and they headed straight to the bathroom and stared at the vanity...there was a mouse in the trap...over this winter I killed a total of at least 8 mice.

They freak me out!!  I was on the hunt...they did me wrong...when I reached into the dog treats and there was one so full of dog biscuit he couldn't move, I knew I had been invaded.  I had to go on the offensive.

Just like those mice I consider my relationship with Mark war right now...but why?
Hebrews 10:30 tell us:
For we know him who said, "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," and again, "The Lord will judge his people."
Who do I think I am judging Mark?  Do I think God won't be hard enough on him? Do I think God will be too soft? Do I think I am better than God? I know I don't see the big picture and God does.

Proverbs 20:22 tell us:  Don't say, "I will get even for this wrong." Wait for the LORD to handle the matter.  That should bring me great peace...God will take care of this.  Let him do his job...Move on...judgement is the work of the Lord not the work of Kim McHenry.  ...step out of the way and let him do his work...let him handle it...

God thank you for loving me enough to take on the tough jobs...the ones I don't need to handle.  Help me to realize which are not my jobs to handle.
Amen and Amen.

chasing your tail

I talk a lot about my dogs but they are very entertaining!!  Lil' Guy...the youngest and nuttiest will chase his tail...you think after the 100th time he would catch on that this is not possible and it hurts when he does catch it...

Around and around...even when he is going to sleep at nigiht he goes around and around...settling in...until he is almost right on top of me...then he snuggles down and slowly his eyes droop...

This divorce has been like chasing my tail...just by reading these posts I am sure you can see how I go round and around on the emotional merry-go-round...I am doing better...then I hit a rough spot...I get real confident again...then hit a wall...on and off the merry-go-round...i read and learn...hit the bottom and then bounce back...i am hoping it will get better..soon it will be two years since Mark started his affair with a woman he dated in college and looked up on Facebook...and invited her to lunch which started it all...of course I knew none of this...it is amazing how you can live with someone for 32 years and not have a clue what they are doing when they are not with you or who they are doing it with.

I always thought I was a smart and independant woman...didn't need anything but I found when this happened Mark was my rock...he kept the home fires burning while I traveled and enjoyed my job.  I didn't know he wasn't happy...I didn't have a clue...my tail chasing started early...I was chasing it back then as I tried to keep everyone happy from family to work to church...I tried to keep it all juggling and he is the ball that fell.

I am so sorry for dropping that ball...I am sad for all that was lost...forgive me my kids, forgive me my grandkids...I love you all..and am so sorry for the part I had in causing you pain...

Lora and I had a real heart to heart the other day and discussed my part in the marriage failing how I didn't have or make time for Mark...and I do realize that was my sin...I didn't want to be home ...i found the joy in my life in other places...not with him...I am so sad, I am paying for my sins...

God has shown me the greed I had...he has shown me the importance I put on my church, my job and my home...I now know I don't need any of it...I am willing to give it all up and move and start over...I don't need any of it...the home, the job...none of it matters...only my God and family...i know my priorities...

Where do I go from here...where God leads me.

he knows my smell

My dogs get up in the middle of the night all of the time...around 1:30...they want to go out...so I get up and it takes a good 15-20 minutes for them to calm down and get back to sleep...then they are back up around 5:30 for the morning...I am sure when I go to work they are back on couches and beds passed out.

Last night I put pillows over my head at the 1:30a.m. in response to their "lets go"...and realized I can still smell Mark in my bed...I have never noticed before...Each of us has that unique smell that is us...I am always afraid mine has a little dog mixed with it...Taylor sometimes will say to me "You smell like the dog...I am hoping she is confusing Mexican food and dogs!"

I know Mark still hangs around in my heart...it is hard to tear him out of there after all of this time...but I didn't realize his smell still lingers...Maybe I needed that reminder...I don't know but it can send me to new depths when things like that happen...

Today is Mardi Gras, a day of celebration before the season of Lent...Lent for me and the Easter season is a very special time...it is a reminder of all that God has done for me ...Kim McHenry...for ME...it reminds me he knows ME...I am reading "When God Whispers Your Name" by Max Lucado...(book sale find) and it starts by saying "God has your name written on his hand"...wow think about that...he won't forget me...he knows my smell and knows if it's dog or Mexican....and he doesn't care...God loves me and of that I have no doubt and this upcoming season reminds me of that powerful love.  It also is a time for me to look inside myself to what separates me from God.  I evaluate me and my walk with him.

So today Celebrate because tomorrow the work of Lent begins!

The Shack

Prior to everything (do you see my life revolves around prior to the affair and following the affair?) I read the book "The Shack" and loved it.  It took on a whole new meaning following the affair.

One day my friend Leslie at work said "guess who is coming to Charleston...Paul Young...he wrote 'The Shack'...we have to plan on going to see him."  So, my daughter-in-law Jennifer, Leslie and I went to see him speak.  What a night...the witness was unreal...his story of how a couple of friends published this book and distributed it out of their garage to it becoming a world-wide phenomenon...is amazing...

also amazing was his story of cheating on his wife of many years...how his ego outgrew himself and how he struggled with all of it...and his relationship with God...and now 9 years later she is just starting to trust him again...she is just starting to love him again...what a fool he had been and how he let his pride and ego get in the way of all that he loved...his kids, his wife and his life...what a revelation...

we all sat shocked and stunned and cried...we stayed after and got our books signed and left saying "wow' we have just witnessed a God moment...God was in that place as he talked...you expected the witness from him about the book...but not the personal witness of his life struggles...the same struggles I was dealing with but from the other side...of the prideful and egotistical cheater...

it was special these special friends were with me and experienced it with me.

It was a revelation to me...I came home and sat down and packaged the book with a note that said Read this book and started to send it to Mark...but that little God voice inside my head said...stop...don't...the time is not right for this...he won't get it...listen to me...so I did... it still sits packaged ready to go when I get the word from God...

If you haven't read The Shack go out and buy it today and meet the father, son and holy ghost.  All three in ways you won't believe in a story of forgiveness...

Blessings today...

lent is around the corner

Ash Wednesday is this week...the start of the lenten season in the church year...I am giving up something this year...no more bad mouthing Mark McHenry within these pages...you all hold me to it...and make sure I give it up for Lent!

Today Greg preached on the transfiguration...and his message was once again for me...he talked about having patience...wait in faith and God's purpose for our life will become clear...after time passes then we understand why it happened how it did...Hard times require patience to see and understand why...

My reading for the day from daily reflections in Alive Now...As Jesus starts into this season we will see him in the desert, betrayed and bearing sorrow...

My patience is just about shot...so I needed that reminder.
Lora reminds me constantly to be still and listen...and I don't have the patience...I want to know NOW...what do you want me to do Lord? Where am I to go Lord...

God of fire and cloud, keep me close when I travel through wildernesses of sadness and sorrow.
Amen.

today I am gradeful for...

For the past 10 years I have finished my day by listing 3 things that I am grateful for that day.  There has NEVER (even during my darkest hours) been a day that I can't find something to be thankful for....

When I go back and read the things they remind me of good days...I can remember times the kids were here, times we took the kids to college and dropped them off, times the grand kids were here and maybe sick, all great memories.

Zack was walking down a dirt road the other day with my friend Angie and me...and he stooped and picked up a rock...and said to me...remember when pappy and I would go and dig up potato rocks?  He got real sad and said...those were good memories...and sad memories...he lagged behind and got very quiet...I wonder about the memories they take with them...they are encouraged to remember those good things...but I know they miss them.

What if you never thanked God for all of those little moments?  I remember the book "Tuesday's with Morrie" Mitch asked Morrie if he could have just one perfect day what would it be...and Morrie said a normal day...with all of the day to day things that you would miss if you didn't have them...the call from a friend, the note in the mail, a drawing from one of the grand kids...all of that day-to-day stuff. 

Thank you God...in case I don't say it enough...thanks for the everyday life that is Kim's...I am grateful for all of it...even those tough times....I say thank you!

his name is Justin

My youngest son and I had a heart to heart the other night...and he said to me...you never call me by my name in your blog...it is always "my youngest son"....so, to everyone...his name is Justin.  I love the fact they both read this...they call me to task some times about my blog...Justin and I are also in competition to see who gets the most visitors...I get about 57-62 a day...his site got 74 the other day and beat me.  The race is on!!

My boys make me laugh....they are the outgrowth of me!  Nick is me up one side and down the other...he plans the parties at work...he talks to everyone...he makes everyone happy...sometimes at his own expense...he is the life of any party...Mr social butterfly... I laugh because his son is Justin re-made...his daughter Taylor,  is a mini-me and him.  Sorry Jenn...you are in there somewhere.  Nick looks like me...I always tell him...put a wig on him and you have me.

Justin is me in that he loves to read...he loves to talk about what he reads...he loves to write...he loves music and he loves the arts...we talk and we discuss....we share feelings...
Both of my boys and I talk and tell each other how we feel....there is a pure and true honesty between us.

Put all of those traits together and that's me...they are the best of me...they are the best of all I have to offer.

The are also dads...and the best of dads....they love their kids unconditionally...they think of their kids first and foremost...all they do they do for their kids....I always think I did something right because they think of others before themselves.  That is a gift from God to put others first...when you have kids you learn...others come first...your kids come first.

Servant hood is not easy...we whine...it's all about us...what is in it for me? What can I get out of it...and they, like me, know it isn't about us...it is about others...and how we can serve them.

The proudest times of my life are when people tell me how the boys have helped them.
Someone on the hill behind our house told me how Nick, as a teen, stopped and helped them unload groceries when he saw they needed help....Justin goes to Sarah's school and plays his guitar for her class...they get to choose the songs...it is all about service to others.

God says we are to love our neighbor...Isaiah is all about servant hood...If I have taught my boys anything it is to have the heart of a servant...to give of yourself.

My boys and I are closer than ever...this ordeal has forced us to share our ideas about God, about love, about covenant, about strength, about truth, about honesty...I texted them just the other day and said I want to make sure you know what happened in our marriage...I want to be honest with you...They are free to ask me anything and I will tell them.  Unlike their father who still has not taken responsibility for his affair...it is amazingly "Kim's fault"...My actions made him climb in bed with another woman...I was at fault...and his family believes him...the man who is always right...the man who walks on water....golden boy...does no wrong...it is amazing.
A servant's heart thinks of others before self...that is a gift to give your children...to be in service to others.

With that gift comes a gift from God....it is more blessed to give...the feeling of love you get when you serve.
You receive a gift in return.
Give of yourself each day.
Amen and Amen.

bad hair day

All women know what I mean!  Yesterday I got my hair cut..which I do every 5 weeks.  When my hair goes flat on top it is frightening! So I go often to keep it looking decent...that is one thing I did not give up due to the after-divorce finances.

My beautician is Leah and she knows all of the dirty secrets of my life.  She is young and full of life and we laugh.  There is a dog at the salon so it can't get better than that for me!

My mom was a beautician and we knew the life stories of all of her clients.  I had frosted hair at age 12 when she needed to practice!  She cut my boy's hair, my hair, Mac's hair and now she has cut the great grand kid's!
She had a chair and sink in our basement where she did hair after she retired.  We loved to play beauty shop.

Yesterday when I left the salon, I was stylin'!! I knew it...then the day after comes...when it is screamin' off my head and I am like....what do I do with it!! It isn't suppose to look like this!!! I haven't seen this on any celebrity or in any magazine.  I am afraid to wash it...then I loose all contact with what Leah had it looking like!

I can be that type of Christian...I look really good on Sunday but then I wake up Monday morning and go back to work and back to the real world and back to the real me!
People piss me off, I get angry, I get even....what happen to that Sunday lady??  This version doesn't look a thing like that Sunday person.

Maybe that's why I go to church so often...I like that Sunday person...I want more of her in my life...
but real life is just that...real...we have to find a way to work that Sunday person into every other day of the week...not an easy thing to do...like the hair...I have to live with it every day...so I find a way to tame it...

On a completely different subject....In honor of St Paddy's day in a few weeks I am reading...A book of Irish Blessings and Prayers (thanks to the church book sale...blatant plug)...so I will end this with a blessing I liked!
May the God of song and dance bless you
The Father who started the dance
The Son who calls the tune
And the Spirit who plays the pipes
Have a great hair day!  Work it!!

i've thought about death

In the very beginning of this journey, I thought about death...it would have been so much easier to just take the pain away...to take a few too many pills, to run the car into a ditch at a high speed, to use a gun...one time and I would be free of the pain...all gone..

I asked my counselor...and he said ...that's normal....when you get to the planning and really considering it then we need to worry about you...but, he said...I don't think I have to worry about you...do I have wimp written all over me? I really did think about it...for several days in the black of the fog.

I also thought how awful it would make Mark feel...he would be sorry he did this to me...little did I know this man wouldn't feel sorry for anything he did...my death would have given him a way out...big time...glad I didn't do it!  I wanted him to suffer....he doesn't.

My lawyer gave me the scenario she has seen over and over...he will move in with the girlfriend...marry her and after several years...he will be in her office asking her to help him get a second divorce...it is textbook...one day that relationship gets older and it happens faster and he goes looking for the next one...the books I read talk about sucking the life out of you and moving on to the next person, who doesn't know him and sucking the life out of her...they call him a narcassitic sociopath.  I agree.
I have a confession to make...I always thought he would come back...it has just hit me recently and I think the finality has finally hit that he isn't ever coming back.  I always thought we could work through this...we have for 32 year...all the ups and downs...we made it through...but he isn't coming back...

One of the things my counselor had me do was make a list of all of the things Mark would have to do before I would consider reconciliation and the list was very long...very long...including giving up his girlfriend, making up with the boys...and on and on...those things could never happen because of his pride and ego.
His famous line was "You know I am always right"...No he isn't...not in any of it... is he right.

Death is not the answer....reconciliation is not the answer...peace and forgiveness is the answer I have to find...and just when I think I find it...it leaves me....just out of my grasp....but one day...one day...with God's help...I will get there.

play it again sam

Why will it never go away?

You know I can be having a great day...cruising right along and then it will hit me and I will break down...the destruction of the marriage...the hurt...the pain...I just don't get it.

As you know, I like answers...I like to know why things are happening...so WHY does it always come back?  And why does it come back when it does?

Nick would tell me to think about this...it isn't as often and it doesn't send me to bed for a week like it did in the beginning...but why does it keep haunting me?

Mark was a jerk...he was a liar...he was a cheat....he did something that went against all I believed in...why would I waste my time even giving him a second of my brain space??  Was it because for 32 years this was normal?  I felt that what we had was perfect?  I trusted him for 32 years?  I didn't think he could do something like this? I feel like aliens invaded the body of the man I loved.  That I don't matter now. 

I sometimes wonder if it is just the competition of the chase...someone else got what I had.  How psycho is that!  I watched a movie the other night about a teenage boy who checked himself into a mental hospital to just get away from it all and have a rest from parents and the world...Sometimes I think I would love to do that.

This sucks...I don't want to play it over and over.  I want to move on.  I want the good life I know is right around the corner...right within my reach...I want that...but I can't get past the past.

Pray for me.

books books and more books

We are getting ready for our big book sale at church...this is an annual event by the youth and some people despise it...I LOVE it because I am a reader...I love looking at all of the books, trying to figure out who brought them, recommending some to others to read...I am in my element...
There are books EVERYWHERE....and books about EVERYTHING.  It is amazing.

I recently got a kindle and what I miss most about not having a book in hand is the opportunity to pass on a book for someone else to read...books are about community.

I love to discuss a book and hear other people's points-of-view...that's why I love being part of a book club...i love the discussion...I've decided I should have lived when they had soirees...

You know I have to tie this back to my God experiences...
Books are like all of God's people...we are made for a purpose, we can make a real difference in someone's life, we all look different, you can't judge a book by it's cover....just like God's people...the same thing can be said for us.

Come on out and buy a new book...pick up something you wouldn't normally choose...see where God is leading you...last night I picked up
"The Element of Style" a 1959 book by E.B.White on how to use the english language...loving it!!

So, try something different and new!

kids are always kids

So, (that is a joke based on yesterday's post!)
As I've said before... my kids are older...they are men...but they will always be my kids...I was thinking today as I passed their old elementary school...I used to know EVERYTHING about them...what time they got up in the morning, who went to bed first, who walked home from school, what time they would catch the bus...I was thinking...Mark never knew that stuff...those are questions I am going to ask the next man...if he knows that kind of thing about his kids...then I will know he was involved with them and was close.

My youngest son right now is hurting...he has been laid off from his job...he is a new dad...and a new homeowner...as much as I give him my cheerleader speeches...the ones about take this time to enjoy your new daughter, you are saving on day care expenses, take the time to find the job you love...I know he is rolling his eyes and saying "thanks mom" but deep down he is worried....He is like his father in that respect...both of my boys are...they are worriers about money...and things...they worry.

Just this weekend the scripture at church was the famous Matthew scripture that talks about worry:
 "Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" (Matthew 6:26)

I have always said I am not a worrier but there are times the fear consumes me...I get this feeling that comes over me of pure panic and fear of being alone... of loneliness...I always believed Mac and I would be together forever...and I panic thinking that isn't there anymore...that I will be alone when I hurt, when I am sick and when I have to make life decisions.

I understand how God hurts when we hurt...when his children hurt he feels the sorrow and the pain...because I feel the pain of my boys...I feel their pain during this terrible time...their confusion with their feelings about their father...I wish I could make it better for them...I can't...When we suffer... God suffers...he hurts with us and for us.

If God is a good father...which he is...he knows all of those things about me...like I know about my boys...he knows my pain and my suffering...and he hurts with me...just like I do with my boys...
What a good father he is...