pride...where did that come from?

As I mentioned last night was my Disciple Class.  I just love this class.  This week we read those prophets...those books of the bible that you never read or have a Sunday School class about.  Zephaniah, Nahum and Habakkuk.  I didn't even know how to pronounce them.  I just knew they were SHORT!!

That is the great thing about this class, you dig deep into these books and I found they are some of my favorites.  I love these prophets of old.  I think it is the vision of a God of punishment and people who took a stand.  They stood up and said to the people and the government "You are sinning.  This is not OK.  Turn from your evil ways."  If someone did that today we would have documentaries written about them and then  have them committed.

Our first assignment was to find the message about sinful "pride".  We all looked at each other like...did we read the right books because I didn't see the message of pride anywhere.  But as we dug...there it was.

In Zephaniah the people of Judah had become self-satisfied.  They didn't need God.  They had called to him and he seemed like he didn't answer one way or the other so...who needs him.  They were busy.  Things were good.  They thought they could do it themselves.  Who needs God?  Their faith in God had become complacent. We'll call on him only when we need him.  Is this sounding familiar...like society today? 

It is scary sometimes how close those Israelites are to us today.  What scares me is we are suppose to learn from history.  HA.  We continue to sin over and over.  We never learn!

But throughout the three books...there is hope.  It is parental love.  As a parent you know how hard it is to discipline your kids.  But you have to do it for them to learn.  God punishes us so we learn.  But we never do!

Habakkuk 3:17-19 is considered  one of the most strongest manifestations of faith (copied those big words) in the bible.  Who has read Habakkuk!  Condensed in Kim language:  When all around me is crashing down...I look to God who gives me strength....This was written by the prophet as he was waiting for the invasion he knew was coming from the mighty Chaldeans.  All  around him there would be destruction but he would rejoice in the Lord.  That is a tough one!

We learn from history...if we are smart! We recognize sinful pride...if we are smart...We see complacency...if we are smart.  Ask for wisdom and open the bible and read these guys!

i've thought about death

In the very beginning of this journey, I thought about death...it would have been so much easier to just take the pain away...to take a few too many pills, to run the car into a ditch at a high speed, to use a gun...one time and I would be free of the pain...all gone..

I asked my counselor...and he said ...that's normal....when you get to the planning and really considering it then we need to worry about you...but, he said...I don't think I have to worry about you...do I have wimp written all over me? I really did think about it...for several days in the black of the fog.

I also thought how awful it would make Mark feel...he would be sorry he did this to me...little did I know this man wouldn't feel sorry for anything he did...my death would have given him a way out...big time...glad I didn't do it!  I wanted him to suffer....he doesn't.

My lawyer gave me the scenario she has seen over and over...he will move in with the girlfriend...marry her and after several years...he will be in her office asking her to help him get a second divorce...it is textbook...one day that relationship gets older and it happens faster and he goes looking for the next one...the books I read talk about sucking the life out of you and moving on to the next person, who doesn't know him and sucking the life out of her...they call him a narcassitic sociopath.  I agree.
I have a confession to make...I always thought he would come back...it has just hit me recently and I think the finality has finally hit that he isn't ever coming back.  I always thought we could work through this...we have for 32 year...all the ups and downs...we made it through...but he isn't coming back...

One of the things my counselor had me do was make a list of all of the things Mark would have to do before I would consider reconciliation and the list was very long...very long...including giving up his girlfriend, making up with the boys...and on and on...those things could never happen because of his pride and ego.
His famous line was "You know I am always right"...No he isn't...not in any of it... is he right.

Death is not the answer....reconciliation is not the answer...peace and forgiveness is the answer I have to find...and just when I think I find it...it leaves me....just out of my grasp....but one day...one day...with God's help...I will get there.