In the very beginning of this journey, I thought about death...it would have been so much easier to just take the pain away...to take a few too many pills, to run the car into a ditch at a high speed, to use a gun...one time and I would be free of the pain...all gone..
I asked my counselor...and he said ...that's normal....when you get to the planning and really considering it then we need to worry about you...but, he said...I don't think I have to worry about you...do I have wimp written all over me? I really did think about it...for several days in the black of the fog.
I also thought how awful it would make Mark feel...he would be sorry he did this to me...little did I know this man wouldn't feel sorry for anything he did...my death would have given him a way out...big time...glad I didn't do it! I wanted him to suffer....he doesn't.
My lawyer gave me the scenario she has seen over and over...he will move in with the girlfriend...marry her and after several years...he will be in her office asking her to help him get a second divorce...it is textbook...one day that relationship gets older and it happens faster and he goes looking for the next one...the books I read talk about sucking the life out of you and moving on to the next person, who doesn't know him and sucking the life out of her...they call him a narcassitic sociopath. I agree.
I have a confession to make...I always thought he would come back...it has just hit me recently and I think the finality has finally hit that he isn't ever coming back. I always thought we could work through this...we have for 32 year...all the ups and downs...we made it through...but he isn't coming back...
One of the things my counselor had me do was make a list of all of the things Mark would have to do before I would consider reconciliation and the list was very long...very long...including giving up his girlfriend, making up with the boys...and on and on...those things could never happen because of his pride and ego.
His famous line was "You know I am always right"...No he isn't...not in any of it... is he right.
Death is not the answer....reconciliation is not the answer...peace and forgiveness is the answer I have to find...and just when I think I find it...it leaves me....just out of my grasp....but one day...one day...with God's help...I will get there.
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