So, I went back and read some of my past posts yesterday. Have you ever noticed how many times I start a sentence with "So, "...wonder what that is all about.
I knew there had to be an answer somewhere about this phenomenon. Sure enough I googled it and read:
"Starting a sentence with 'so' claims it as true. Starting a sentence with 'So' came about from the folks at Silicon Valley during the 90's. 'So' adds a whiff of logic to relay authority. The word "well" vacillates but "so" declaims."
Wow...do you think I am once again trying to control a situation? I want you to believe everything I am saying...so, i will start the sentence that way...
I even try to control you folks, some of you I don't even know!
While I was going to counseling we had many conversations about control...one of the things I have come out of this believing is the only person I can control is ME. That is a complete backstep for me...I always thought I had control of my life. I can hear God laughing right now! Loudly!
I was NEVER in control.
Mark has always told me I turned the boys against him. Even when we were still married, I made him out to be the bad guy in the marriage. They are grown men in their 30's...whom I've had no control over since the time they were probably in elementary school. Somehow I have controlled their thoughts about this entire ordeal. So, that's amazing that I can have such control over grown men! You would think I'd have a line at my door!
At some point throughout this past year I remember saying to God...here is is...I am not doing very well with it...it is all yours! I gave up any control I thought I had and remember feeling such relief.
What a relief it is to realize you don't need to work so hard trying to control people, situations and outcomes.
It is what it is...that is a great phrase that is pretty popular right now and it is so true.
So, it is what it is.
So, deal with it!
So, control-freak! Let it go!
So, you're not in control.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
i listened
So, yesterday I was on my way to zumba and I turned off everything and just listened...and it was non-stop...the damn broke loose...God must have been holding it in for awhile!
Here is his answer and it goes:
Go where I send you...and you will go away...
There is a life to be saved.
Be patient
The past is the past
Have no doubt and move forward
you will know what I want from you...I will tell you...
Now the patience part will be the hardest!!
Here is his answer and it goes:
Go where I send you...and you will go away...
There is a life to be saved.
Be patient
The past is the past
Have no doubt and move forward
you will know what I want from you...I will tell you...
Now the patience part will be the hardest!!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
be still and listen
I have been struggling this week. It has been a tough week. I blame the weather. My mood has fit the rainy, dreary, foggy, blah weather. I have also been struggling with a bad feeling about my church. If you read this you know how important my church is to me. Last weekend I was on a roll, running my mouth (to a few people) huffing and puffing! My voice of reason is always my friend Lora who listened to this huffing.
She told me to be still and listen. She sent me scripture that said the same thing. I thought I had been still and I thought I had listened. But maybe I missed something!
Last night as I was doing my bible study guess what scripture I came upon...God telling Elijah in the book of Kings to go to a cave "be still and listen and know I am God." This morning I am changing my sheets which I do every Saturday and I find one of those little scripture cards in my bed....the prayer reads:
"Dear God, we know you do still speak to us. Help us to be still and know what you are trying to tell us."
The scripture on the back of the card was Exodus 33:14 "My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest."
So maybe I better stop that huffing and puffing...be still and listen and God will give me rest from the struggles I've been having...what do you think?
When you are a mouth it is hard to be quiet. I remember when Aslam asked me to take on the duties of Children's Ministry, I told him...I am used to being in charge...I am bossy...I am mouthy...and he said..."I think God is telling you, you may need this!" He was right and God was right...I needed that.
So let me listen again...Be still and listen.
She told me to be still and listen. She sent me scripture that said the same thing. I thought I had been still and I thought I had listened. But maybe I missed something!
Last night as I was doing my bible study guess what scripture I came upon...God telling Elijah in the book of Kings to go to a cave "be still and listen and know I am God." This morning I am changing my sheets which I do every Saturday and I find one of those little scripture cards in my bed....the prayer reads:
"Dear God, we know you do still speak to us. Help us to be still and know what you are trying to tell us."
The scripture on the back of the card was Exodus 33:14 "My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest."
So maybe I better stop that huffing and puffing...be still and listen and God will give me rest from the struggles I've been having...what do you think?
When you are a mouth it is hard to be quiet. I remember when Aslam asked me to take on the duties of Children's Ministry, I told him...I am used to being in charge...I am bossy...I am mouthy...and he said..."I think God is telling you, you may need this!" He was right and God was right...I needed that.
So let me listen again...Be still and listen.
Friday, February 25, 2011
you don't know it
Right now there is a Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage commercial that makes me stop and take note every time it comes on TV. A girl is standing at a podium participating in a spelling bee. Her word is "bright" and this little voice keeps saying "you don't know it". It is very irritating and annoying. "you don't know it"
I am reading right now about doubt...which to me is like that little voice. Doubt is that little voice saying "you don't know it." when sometimes I have seen it for myself. I ran into Mark and his girlfriend Kathy back in September...they were in a restaurant, sitting all loving with each other, petting all over each other and it broke me. It hurt so bad. That was a turning point to me...I changed my phone number and didn't give it to his family and stopped all contact with any of them.
Even though I have seen it for myself....there is still that little bit of doubt that says "you don't know it". Why won't it stop?
I've seen it face to face...there should be NO doubt about what he has been up to. But it is hard for me to believe that 32 years were given for nothing. "you don't know it"
This morning I read "doubt is a choice we make" and it quoted the scripture of James (my favorite book of the bible) as it talked about being like a ship tossed on the seas when you have doubt. James also talks about asking and praying without doubt gets you exactly what you ask for. Are we ever that confident in God?
I am being tossed and getting seasick in the process.
Lord, Take the doubt away.
I am reading right now about doubt...which to me is like that little voice. Doubt is that little voice saying "you don't know it." when sometimes I have seen it for myself. I ran into Mark and his girlfriend Kathy back in September...they were in a restaurant, sitting all loving with each other, petting all over each other and it broke me. It hurt so bad. That was a turning point to me...I changed my phone number and didn't give it to his family and stopped all contact with any of them.
Even though I have seen it for myself....there is still that little bit of doubt that says "you don't know it". Why won't it stop?
I've seen it face to face...there should be NO doubt about what he has been up to. But it is hard for me to believe that 32 years were given for nothing. "you don't know it"
This morning I read "doubt is a choice we make" and it quoted the scripture of James (my favorite book of the bible) as it talked about being like a ship tossed on the seas when you have doubt. James also talks about asking and praying without doubt gets you exactly what you ask for. Are we ever that confident in God?
I am being tossed and getting seasick in the process.
Lord, Take the doubt away.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
prophets of old
As I read for this disciple class you are going to hear a lot of comments...When I read scripture, especially old testament there are always things I do not get or understand...Tonight it is the prophets of old...I like these guys...they don't tip toe or worry about feelings...they have a message to get out...even though it may mean they will be killed (and not in a nice way) for what they say.
Nathan walked right up to David...told the story of a man with a lamb he loved like a child and the rich man that took the lamb and slaughtered it...David gets upset and swears to kill the rich man and Nathan looks him in the eye and says "You're that man"...He calls him an adulterer, murderer, thief and liar. David was king at the time and had Uriah (his faithful warrior) killed and took Bathsheba to his bed...David betrayed his covenant with God, he kills, betrays and acts in his own self-interest...sounds like a story I know...I like Nathan's straight forwardness. I like his kick-butt honesty.
Recently, I had the chance to tell someone what I thought God would do. I am helping with the Confirmation class at church. The kids are wearing WWJD bracelets and I thought I will wear one too. The youth were told this was their chance to share Jesus with others if someone asks. Guess who got asked!! Me at work...in a meeting earlier this week, someone said to me...what is on your bracelet...I explained about the kids and wearing the bracelet...then they asked well what does WWJD mean? An I replied...What Would Jesus Do...so today the same person came to me and said...I don't know what Jesus would do but what do you think I should do in this instance...This same person has told me in the past how she has worked with Christian people who always turned her off. Sometimes it is the quiet, steady and living what you say that bring people around to Christ. Can they look at you and see Christ in the way you deal with things??
I remember the first time I had a college kids say to me...I remember what you said about such and such....and I remember saying to them."Why would you listen to me???" "Why would you think I know anything?". I feel the same way about telling someone about Christ. What do I know. Why would you listen to me??
We influence others so we are sort of like a prophet of old...all of the words don't do it but sometimes the way we act and how we react is what invites others to take a second look at God.
Help me Lord to always be what you want me to be...help me to walk the walk while talking the talk. Help me be brave like a prophet of old.
Nathan walked right up to David...told the story of a man with a lamb he loved like a child and the rich man that took the lamb and slaughtered it...David gets upset and swears to kill the rich man and Nathan looks him in the eye and says "You're that man"...He calls him an adulterer, murderer, thief and liar. David was king at the time and had Uriah (his faithful warrior) killed and took Bathsheba to his bed...David betrayed his covenant with God, he kills, betrays and acts in his own self-interest...sounds like a story I know...I like Nathan's straight forwardness. I like his kick-butt honesty.
Recently, I had the chance to tell someone what I thought God would do. I am helping with the Confirmation class at church. The kids are wearing WWJD bracelets and I thought I will wear one too. The youth were told this was their chance to share Jesus with others if someone asks. Guess who got asked!! Me at work...in a meeting earlier this week, someone said to me...what is on your bracelet...I explained about the kids and wearing the bracelet...then they asked well what does WWJD mean? An I replied...What Would Jesus Do...so today the same person came to me and said...I don't know what Jesus would do but what do you think I should do in this instance...This same person has told me in the past how she has worked with Christian people who always turned her off. Sometimes it is the quiet, steady and living what you say that bring people around to Christ. Can they look at you and see Christ in the way you deal with things??
I remember the first time I had a college kids say to me...I remember what you said about such and such....and I remember saying to them."Why would you listen to me???" "Why would you think I know anything?". I feel the same way about telling someone about Christ. What do I know. Why would you listen to me??
We influence others so we are sort of like a prophet of old...all of the words don't do it but sometimes the way we act and how we react is what invites others to take a second look at God.
Help me Lord to always be what you want me to be...help me to walk the walk while talking the talk. Help me be brave like a prophet of old.
why lament? why repent?
Last night we had a disciple bible study class...I love to learn about the history of God's people while applying it to my life. They are very similar. Human kind has not changed in all of these years. Poor God, how many times do you think he would love to say...stop your whining...grow up....it isn't about you.
We reviewed lamentations...God's chosen people blamed God for every woe they had after their exile...he didn't listen to their prayers, he discarded them like trash, he watched them suffer...all of those lines start with "He" did this to me...."He" brought this on me...not until later in the chapter do you see repentance. After all of the wailing and "woe" they figure out maybe I better repent...maybe not for the right reasons...but they start seeing maybe this was the result of something they did. So they say "forgive me, Lord".
Only after that repentance do they find recovery and hope and do they listen to the commandments of God and what they are told to do. Through suffering they find God. He ends by saying Call out and I will be listening. I never forsake you.
OK, I have to say it, does this sound like me or what...of course no one's pain is as bad as yours...but my suffering has led to me first blaming and questioning God...followed by me looking at my part in this...what did I do to bring this on? Could I have been a better spouse? To finally seeing there is hope in my future if I follow and listen to God. If I put him first I can survive.
A lament is a prayer that expresses sorrow or it means to mourn out loud. So I thought I would write my own lament. Lucky you, I am going to share it with you. Here goes my stab at a Psalm of Lament.
God, why do you let bad things happen? Why do you let those that hurt us walk around as if they are superior and all is fine and dandy? My husband has become my ex. He was my true love, I loved him with my whole heart for a lifetime. Was that the problem? I loved him more than you? Are you a jealous God? Did you allow this to happen to me because in some unknown way I had deceived you? I did something I didn't even realize offended you? I want to know WHY from you, God and from Mark. WHY did this happen to me?
I believed you would always protect me. I believed he would always love me. I believed you would always cover my heart, keep it from ever breaking. I did your work. I did what you called me to do. My heart is broken. A million shards of glass.
Help me Lord to heal. How do you heal a broken heart? How do you mend something that can't be seen?
Will the hurt ever go away? I ask you to take it. Take the hurt. Take the pain. Never let it happen again. Once in a lifetime is enough, isn't it? Never let me hurt like this ever again. But through the suffering I have found you Lord. Through the pain I have met you. Through the betrayal and hurt you lifted me up and loved me. I know you in ways I never knew you. Thank you for loving me through it all.
Amen and Amen
We reviewed lamentations...God's chosen people blamed God for every woe they had after their exile...he didn't listen to their prayers, he discarded them like trash, he watched them suffer...all of those lines start with "He" did this to me...."He" brought this on me...not until later in the chapter do you see repentance. After all of the wailing and "woe" they figure out maybe I better repent...maybe not for the right reasons...but they start seeing maybe this was the result of something they did. So they say "forgive me, Lord".
Only after that repentance do they find recovery and hope and do they listen to the commandments of God and what they are told to do. Through suffering they find God. He ends by saying Call out and I will be listening. I never forsake you.
OK, I have to say it, does this sound like me or what...of course no one's pain is as bad as yours...but my suffering has led to me first blaming and questioning God...followed by me looking at my part in this...what did I do to bring this on? Could I have been a better spouse? To finally seeing there is hope in my future if I follow and listen to God. If I put him first I can survive.
A lament is a prayer that expresses sorrow or it means to mourn out loud. So I thought I would write my own lament. Lucky you, I am going to share it with you. Here goes my stab at a Psalm of Lament.
God, why do you let bad things happen? Why do you let those that hurt us walk around as if they are superior and all is fine and dandy? My husband has become my ex. He was my true love, I loved him with my whole heart for a lifetime. Was that the problem? I loved him more than you? Are you a jealous God? Did you allow this to happen to me because in some unknown way I had deceived you? I did something I didn't even realize offended you? I want to know WHY from you, God and from Mark. WHY did this happen to me?
I believed you would always protect me. I believed he would always love me. I believed you would always cover my heart, keep it from ever breaking. I did your work. I did what you called me to do. My heart is broken. A million shards of glass.
Help me Lord to heal. How do you heal a broken heart? How do you mend something that can't be seen?
Will the hurt ever go away? I ask you to take it. Take the hurt. Take the pain. Never let it happen again. Once in a lifetime is enough, isn't it? Never let me hurt like this ever again. But through the suffering I have found you Lord. Through the pain I have met you. Through the betrayal and hurt you lifted me up and loved me. I know you in ways I never knew you. Thank you for loving me through it all.
Amen and Amen
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