do i see it?

I am an NPR junkie...tonight on my way home from a great evening with my girlfriends I was listening to Christen Tippet who was interviewing two Jesuit priests...and one made a comment..."If I hadn't believed it I would have never seen it." 

That stuck with me...that is what God moments are all about...that sums it up so nicely...if I hadn't believed...I would have never seen him...if you aren't open to God in your life you miss it...you miss the "ah ha" moments...those wondrous times when you KNOW there is a God...when God makes an appearance in your life.

There was a God moment last night at church...we (Lora and I) have been struggling with our youth group...we've outgrown NOOGL...we knew something else needed to be done and last night it was handed to us at a church council meeting...handed to us on a platter.  God's handiwork was all over it...he should have just slapped me up side the head and said....I am doing this...it was so evident.

I carry around a mustart seed in my car and there is one on my desk at work...If I have just that much faith...that little,itty, teeny ,tiny bit...I can move mountains...I can say " Move it" and it will...if I have faith...and it doesn't take a lot of faith...just the size of a mustard seed...

I measure my faith by that daily...do I have it...can I use it...do I trust him...Do I believe enough to see it?
Do I see God in all of it?  Do I see God in everything I experience?
Faith put to the test...just believe.

be still and listen

I have been struggling this week.  It has been a tough week.  I blame the weather.  My mood has fit the rainy, dreary, foggy, blah weather.  I have also been struggling with a bad feeling about my church.  If you read this you know how important my church is to me.  Last weekend I was on a roll, running my mouth (to a few people) huffing and puffing!  My voice of reason is always my friend Lora who listened to this huffing.

She told me to be still and listen.  She sent me scripture that said the same thing.  I thought I had been still and I thought I had listened.   But maybe I missed something!

Last night as I was doing my bible study guess what scripture I came upon...God telling Elijah in the book of Kings to go to a cave "be still and listen and know I am God."  This morning I am changing my sheets which I do every Saturday and I find one of those little scripture cards in my bed....the prayer reads:
"Dear God, we know you do still speak to us.  Help us to be still and know what you are trying to tell us."

The scripture on the back of the card was Exodus 33:14 "My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest."

So maybe I better stop that huffing and puffing...be still and listen and God will give me rest from the struggles I've been having...what do you think?

When you are a mouth it is hard to be quiet.  I remember when Aslam asked me to take on the duties of Children's Ministry, I told him...I am used to being in charge...I am bossy...I am mouthy...and he said..."I think God is telling you, you may need this!" He was right and God was right...I needed that.

So let me listen again...Be still and listen.

Revenge is Mine says the Lord

Throughout this past year I must confess I have thought of all of the ways to extract revenge on Mark McHenry.  In the beginning I also must admit I did some pretty bad things.  I said bad things, I called him really bad names and his girlfriend worse names.  I said horrible things to him in retaliation for the hurt he caused me and my family.  One of the most awful things I did was contact her husband.  In my defense I was told by my husband he already knew...another lie...he didn't have a clue.  So two marriages were destroyed and families were harmed at the selfishness of two people.
I called names, I cleaned my toilet with his toothbrush, I turned off his cell phone and then I asked my Lord for forgiveness.  Daily I ask the Lord to forgive my thoughts.  Some days are worse than others.  I would get pleasure from going online and reading blogs of ladies that did really horrible things...like writing on cars with spray paint, etc.  and wished I had the guts to do such a thing.  I don't and I finally realized all of the revenge and wrath only hurt one person and that was me.  By this time he could care less.  I still think back to before I knew about the affair and think of the hurtful things he said about my weight, my smell, my need for perfume, my not being clean enough, I was NEVER good enough...I was made to feel inferior.  That is one of the hidden things of divorce...you lose all self esteem.  I had a great job, a second job at church, I was well respected at both and loved by many but that didn't matter...one person...could make me feel so inferior and dirty with his words and actions.

There is scripture that I find pleasure in...instead of me looking for revenge...
Romans 12:19 says "Revenge is mine, says the Lord, I will repay"....I can't imagine the revenge the Lord can take...I don't want anyone I know or care about to EVER feel the revenge of the Lord because it will be unimaginable...When I am having revengeful days I think about that scripture and smile to myself.  I know that is evil but for a minute it feels good.  Then I feel bad...I also repeat things like "you reap what you sow" and know one day it will all come back to bite him on the butt and look forward to witnessing that  day.  I also know this is not very Christian-like.

I also know my Lord.  I know he is a forgiving and loving Lord and will forgive anything if we just ask.  Mark was my best friend and in the blink of an eye he went from my friend and lover to my enemy.  How is that possible? I ask God that all the time...how does that happen?
I know God will forgive him if he will just ask and I hope he has asked for forgiveness.  I know it doesn't sound like it but I forgave him a long time ago but there are days when I ask for revenge.

It is hard to be a Christian all the time and as you can tell I am still working on a lot of things.  I love my Lord and ask his forgiveness and ask Mark for forgiveness too for my actions.  My heart feels good at these times.  Then there are days when i repeat "revenge is mine, says the Lord, I will repay."

lamentations...woe is me

I am taking a Disciple bible study class right now...I feel the need for some teaching!  So what is the first thing I read...Lamentations...and I think I've had it bad...it can always be worse! That "woe is me" by the Jewish people as they are led off to Babylonia...they had it so good...what happened...why didn't they listen?

You know it is always someone else's fault...we hate to think or admit we may have done anything wrong!  But we do...and do we have prophets today to tell us?  One of my worst faults is covering all of my bases...
my daily horoscopes...I always laugh and say "it's just a parlor game".  But just like in lamentations...the Jews are told again and again about false Gods.   But it is just my daily reading...or my tarot cards..it's online...it's nothing...but it is...it creates this little seed of doubt...this thinking of maybe it is correct maybe it is all about fate...maybe it's in the cards...God who??

Several weeks before I found out about Mark's affair, we were playing our parlor game at work...and I was told "someone is having an affair"...I was dumbfounded and (I am sorry Becky) thought I knew my husband was having an affair with his friend Becky...well he was but not with her...but do you see...because it was true I believed maybe I could rely on these cards for my answers.

I must confess...I have been to a psychic several times and have even talked friends into going with me...what is that about...and I could see answers in her predictions...just the other day I found a printout of our session and thought look at that...so much of it is true...If I were God I would be totally pissed at Kim McHenry!!

I know what God expects of me and false Gods is not it...I asked the psychic one time about her feelings on God and if this goes against all we are told by him and she quoted scripture to me...but doesn't the bible say false God's can do that?

When my  troubles began I looked at what I had done lately searching for a reason...just like those Jews in the book of Lamentations....woe is me...why me...well God had plenty of reason...but I know my God doesn't punish me...I do plenty of that on my own...I have free will...I make choices...I like to cover all of my bases just in case God isn't what I think he is.

I had a kid one time ask me...do you actually believe all this stuff about God...yes I do..why don't I act like it...I don't walk the talk I talk...it is a daily struggle...every day I have to make the God choice and that isn't easy...WOE IS ME...  I will lament and I will keep struggling...

the letter

OK...so i have to share with you...i have struggled about posting the letter I received last year around the first of January 2010...but I felt you needed to know where I was coming from...the mind set I was in...it was an awful letter that talked about what a horrible person I was...how there were two faces to Ms. Kim...the face at church loving and kind and the nasty, mean person I was outside of church, who talked about my ex husband Mark like a scumbag...how I was turning the young people at church away from God..i quote"the nasty words of hate and anger pouring from your mouth.  Your hatred is becoming well known"....it crushed me...first the betrayal of my husband and now the betrayal of  my church.  I can laugh now ....but then it made me physically sick...i threw up after reading it...it was hand written with no signature (of course) and no return address (of course)...with a clearer mind now I realize there were only about five people at church that even knew my situation...and I knew I had the love and support of those people...there are still some people at church that don't even know I got divorced...
You know how this blog is about those God moments...I just got ready to post the letter and it wouldn't attach...no matter how I tried to save it or attach it...I save it because I do read it every now and then...I gauge myself against it to make sure I am none of the things it says I am..this entire blog is about God moments...and since I struggled with posting this letter...I think I am being told STOP...just know the next part of this story is based on how low I was at this point in  my life...the letter came on Thursday night and on Friday night there was a middle school overnight at church I was working.  i really didn't feel like being around ANYONE let alone 130 middle school kids!!

joan of arcadia

During the summer months at our youth Sunday school class we feature movies that kids can relate to...In 2009 we did the first season of Joan of Arcadia (TV show) and the kids loved it...so this year we did season two.  I said this season was written just for me.  It was no accident I was there listening.  If you have never seen Joan of Arcadia, the concept is "what if God was one of us" (sounds like the theme song) and God comes to Joan and asks her to do things...but this season things happen to Joan and she has to rely on the strength and relationship she has established with God...things like her best friend is murdered,  her dad is tempted to have an affair, mom is struggling with her own faith, Joan is struggling with her relationship with God and with her boyfriend, and at the end of the season Joan is betrayed by her boyfriend when she finds out he is sleeping with someone else and she confronts evil...face to face with evil...wow! When she struggles God holds her, physically holds her and hugs her and there were many times I felt just like that, too and there are times she yells at God and says "Why did you let this happen?" and I felt like that, too...she tells God...this isn't fun, this isn't right...and he/she says...i know but you all have free will...I can not intervene but I am here to pick up the pieces...it was so on target for me and I needed to hear every word of it!! It also made me realize God speaks to us in oh so many ways...if we are willing to listen...I hear you Lord...LOUD AND CLEAR!!! i will be happy to loan you any season just let me know!!