get over it

I am sure there are times you read this and say..."Lady, just get over it." In my past I would look at someone who is so absorbed with something like this divorce and would have had no compassion...I would have been the one saying...."Get over it already"....I would now have to eat those words.

It is amazing to me how the feelings just don't go away...you can't talk them away...you can't wish them away...they are always there.

This past weekend we were in Salisbury, Md and went over to Ocean City, Md...and it brought back all kinds of memories of a trip Mark and I took the November before his affair.  It was a wonderful trip, we had lots of fun and saw new places.  I experienced my nephew's wedding which we would have done together.  I always thought family was important to Mark.  another lie?  I watched a video the other night of him with the kids when they were small...they were saying "Daddy, watch" and he was paying NO attention to them...is that the way it always was and I was too in love to see it?  Did I hurt them by staying in a one-sided marriage? 

I think it is the disbelief that all you thought was true for 32 years was not true at all. You think about everything he ever said and you question what you were told.   Were they all lies?

It doesn't go away as much as you want it to.

I would love to "get over it" if I only knew how.

the boys

I only had one melt down this weekend...It was when this photo was being taken...I have three nephews (one was getting married) and with my two sons that makes five boys on my side of the family.  These boys are all special young men.  They are all that is good in the next generation.  They are good dads, they work hard and they have wonderful families.  It is amazing that all five have become these great young men.  We still have one that is eligible.

When they were younger we would always spend New Year's together. We would stay up until midnight and go outside at midnight and bang pans and scream and welcome in the New Year.  I have great memories of them growing up together.  As together as a few hundred miles will let you be.

I am so proud of them all.  It isn't often they are all together.  We decided the last time was my dad's funeral.  It was the last time we had a picture of all five of them together. This weekend we did just that.  We took a picture of all of them together.  Add in the next generation, Zack.

All of these boys had a disappointment in their fathers.  They've had to deal with betrayal and lies from the man in their life that was suppose to teach them about values and morals.  The good thing is because of this trauma in their lives, I expect great things from them.  Family is important to them.  Their children are important to them.  Thier wives are important to them.

They attend church and are raising their children in faith.  Their faith has seen them through the hardships...I am so proud of you boys.  You bless this family and the future generations that will come our way.

bay bridge

Bay Bridge

Yesterday I came across the Bay Bridge.  Talk about fear.  It scares me to death! Going toward the Md. shore...there are barriers up and you can't see the bay below.  But coming back toward Washington DC there are no barriers and you can see the water below.  I can taste the fear...it is so scary.

I got in the middle lane and closed my eyes...not really... but I kept focused on the car in front of me and wouldn't look down. But sometimes I just can't resist...and look...yikes!!! I hold my breath and just move forward.

It is the same way I have felt since the divorce.  I am so scared I can physically feel the fear.  There is a constant knot in my stomach.  I am afraid to go forward.  I know I need to.   I know it is time.  The world is moving on, my kids are moving on, Mark is moving on and here I sit.  Still crying at night...still fearful that I am not going to survive.  No one knows how I feel.  No one knows the pain, still after all this time. 

What do I need to do?  Just like the bridge I need to consentrate on what is ahead of me and move forward.  Hold my breath and move forward.  Don't look down, just move.  Sometimes I question God because I really believed he would bring Mark back to me.  I know I don't want that...but why do I feel like I do?  I struggle and I search, still.  All I can do is ask God to be with me. 

tom tom

I've mentioned a couple of times the family Bermuda vacation.  On the way, Mark bought a tom tom to get us through New York City, where we were catching the cruise ship.  We laughed and called it Deb Deb, because of the sexy voice...had I known what was going on we could have called it Kath Kath. (sorry for that nasty comment!)

This weekend I brought tom tom out of hibernation to get me to the wedding.  I knew how to get to a certain point, it was from there on I needed help.  That thing scares the bejesus out of me...I'm moving along  and suddenly it says "Turn right ahead"...I keep it in my glove compartment and some times it just comes on for no reason...and suddenly you hear a voice.  "Merge ahead"...what?? Where did that come from??
Sort of like God...sometimes his voice just comes out of nowhere...we don't know the road ahead and need some help and guidance.  Or sometimes we think we are on the road and going pretty good and then wham! his voice telling you to change routes! But I don't want to...

tom tom or God God....
both of them...you need to listen and follow directions so you don't get lost.

Rest areas

It was a long drive to and from the wedding.  8 hours each way.  Once I get in the car...I go!  Once in a while I need a rest stop and I stop at the rest areas along the interstate.  They are just that...a place to stop and rest for a minute.

This weekend was a rest area.  We all forgot everything...all of our worries and troubles and just enjoyed family time.  We forgot all the drama and enjoyed our time with each other.   Lilah, my little granddaughter had a lot of firsts, first time to a wedding and reception, first time to the beach, first time to a restaurant.  It was a beautiful wedding and a great, fun reception. We danced and sang Country Roads...for all of the Md folk!  They had a hoot of a first dance...they started the nice slow dance everyone was expecting and then broke into Mr. Roboto and kung fu fighting...it was so funny...and was something BJ would do.  A good time was had by all.
God is a rest area.  When we need rest from our troubles, the drama of real life... go to him for rest.
Matthew 11:28 says "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."...doesn't that sound good?  I have not slept for three nights...and can't wait to say my prayers tonight and climb into my bed with my pups and sleep.  I am taking it all to God and let him have it and then have a good night's sleep.

Tomorrow is back to the real world but today...it is all about rest areas!

blessings x 2

Lilah

Ocean City

I think I have been kissed by God today!  I spent a great day with Lilah and took her to see the beach for the first time.  How lucky can one girl be?  Wedding starts in a few hours...spent some great time with my nephews...son, Justin and Sarah.  Anxiously awaiting Nick and Jenn to arrive.

weddings

This weekend we are celebrating my nephew's wedding.  We are all meeting in Md. and for the first time everyone in the family will meet Lilah.  It is sure to be a celebration. Not sure there will be much blogging but I will take my laptop.  Never know when a God moment will appear.

Weddings bring out emotions. I first found out about Mark's affair the day before we were to leave to attend my niece's wedding.  We missed that one.

I found out he was still seeing Kathy two days before my son Justin's wedding.  I asked him to leave.  That wedding was a blur.  I was numb. I had to get up in front of everyone and read the love scripture of 1 Corinthians....I always tell Justin...no wedding could be more fraught with tension than his. He will have a story to tell.  In the future if any of his friends talk about being nervous...he can tell his story and they will find comfort, knowing it could be worse!

Now my nephew's.  His mom and dad do not live together and there is a girlfriend on the part of my brother and days before the wedding my nephew blew up at mom telling her his true feelings about his dad.

What these men do to their kids.  I hope and pray that because these boys have experienced the abandonment and disinterest from their dads they will become parents that care and show their love.

God makes women strong.  For some reason he gives them the fortitude and the backbone.  He must know the flaws he has put in men and he must know women will need to call on their strength.

In all cases there is another woman involved and I always wonder "what kind of woman sets out to steal someone's husband'? What kind of woman does that? What kind of woman puts herself above the covenant God has blessed? I guess it takes a special one!

My class scripture reading this week is Isaiah.  Last night I read...you will be held accountable.  You will be called one day to account for your actions.  That is where I find peace.  One day they will both have to stand before God and tell him the pain they caused. As they stand together to marry  in May they will again make a covenant with God, what will God think? Didn't I do this once already? Will he bless it?

God works in mysterious ways...Weddings bring such memories.