When I found out about my husbands affair I didn't know where to go and the old adage about fight or flight was definitely true. I flew the coop. I ran home to my mom. I was crushed and hurting and did what all kids do when they are hurt...I ran home where I would find comfort. Where I found comfort when I was younger.
Mom gave me that, she gave me encouragement, she left me alone, she talked to the boys when I couldn't lift my head from the pillow. Then Mark showed up and like an idiot I went with him...believing all the lies.
But as we all know the truth finally wins out...the truth sets us free...
During holy week...Jesus ran home when he hurt. He ran to the Garden where he prayed. He ran to his father. He prayed for God to take this away from him...He knew what was going to happen...He wasn't an idiot like me...he didn't believe the lies...he knew where he was headed...he knew he would be betrayed...he knew he would die. He knew it would be painful and it would hurt many people.
He went home to his father in prayer...where he would find peace and where he found the love he needed to move on to the cross. His father held the truth and in the end the truth won out.
We, too can find the peace, the truth, the love in the same place Jesus did...in our father.
Remember when I wrote my lament last month? I talked about the book of Lamentations...today write your own lament. Talk about your pain. Cry out to the Lord like Jesus did...like I have...ask him to take this cup from you. Turn to him.
Showing posts with label cheating husbands. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cheating husbands. Show all posts
Monday, April 18, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Words with Friends
I am hooked...I love it!...I cheat...I have scrabble solver...not all the time!
If you live under a rock and don't know what it is...Words with Friends is your phone's version of scrabble. Right now I have about 8 games going on with family and friends and 2 games with people I don't know.
The other night Jenn and I were sitting on the couch next to each other, not talking and having an intense game with each other!! One would play and you would hear "ARGGG" "What" "How did you get that many"
Even my grandson Zack plays Words with Friends. Most of the time I get my butt kicked...but that's OK...I love it...
So, the cheating...sometimes when I don't see a word I will put the letters into scrabble solver and find words or the other thing I do is just try letters until you get a word....that's when you learn those weird words you didn't know existed...I do the morning crossword in our paper, sometimes I know those weird what I call crossword words.
Sometimes I cheat with God...I'll read my horoscope...and think my day is going to be great! (thou shall have no other Gods...I am reading about those Baal's right now in Disciple class)... Sometimes I will say "My God" and not in the good way (thou shall not take name in vain) ...the Sabbath is when I get my most work done! (remember the Sabbath and keep it holy) my mom can drive me insane (honor thy mother and father)..I sometimes run stuff off at work for church (thou shall not steal) and covet is a whole other story.
So, the other day I talked about Kathy and Mark and the commandments they broke...looks like I better look at myself and ask God to forgive those daily sins I commit and work on me.
I always wonder, what about those sins I don't even know about...those things God thinks are sins that are considered okay today and I don't even know it's a sin. See the things that keep me up at night!
There is no way I can be a perfect person...all I can do is try...work on it and be the best I can be and ask for forgiveness every day.
If you live under a rock and don't know what it is...Words with Friends is your phone's version of scrabble. Right now I have about 8 games going on with family and friends and 2 games with people I don't know.
The other night Jenn and I were sitting on the couch next to each other, not talking and having an intense game with each other!! One would play and you would hear "ARGGG" "What" "How did you get that many"
Even my grandson Zack plays Words with Friends. Most of the time I get my butt kicked...but that's OK...I love it...
So, the cheating...sometimes when I don't see a word I will put the letters into scrabble solver and find words or the other thing I do is just try letters until you get a word....that's when you learn those weird words you didn't know existed...I do the morning crossword in our paper, sometimes I know those weird what I call crossword words.
Sometimes I cheat with God...I'll read my horoscope...and think my day is going to be great! (thou shall have no other Gods...I am reading about those Baal's right now in Disciple class)... Sometimes I will say "My God" and not in the good way (thou shall not take name in vain) ...the Sabbath is when I get my most work done! (remember the Sabbath and keep it holy) my mom can drive me insane (honor thy mother and father)..I sometimes run stuff off at work for church (thou shall not steal) and covet is a whole other story.
So, the other day I talked about Kathy and Mark and the commandments they broke...looks like I better look at myself and ask God to forgive those daily sins I commit and work on me.
I always wonder, what about those sins I don't even know about...those things God thinks are sins that are considered okay today and I don't even know it's a sin. See the things that keep me up at night!
There is no way I can be a perfect person...all I can do is try...work on it and be the best I can be and ask for forgiveness every day.
Monday, March 7, 2011
The Shack
Prior to everything (do you see my life revolves around prior to the affair and following the affair?) I read the book "The Shack" and loved it. It took on a whole new meaning following the affair.
One day my friend Leslie at work said "guess who is coming to Charleston...Paul Young...he wrote 'The Shack'...we have to plan on going to see him." So, my daughter-in-law Jennifer, Leslie and I went to see him speak. What a night...the witness was unreal...his story of how a couple of friends published this book and distributed it out of their garage to it becoming a world-wide phenomenon...is amazing...
also amazing was his story of cheating on his wife of many years...how his ego outgrew himself and how he struggled with all of it...and his relationship with God...and now 9 years later she is just starting to trust him again...she is just starting to love him again...what a fool he had been and how he let his pride and ego get in the way of all that he loved...his kids, his wife and his life...what a revelation...
we all sat shocked and stunned and cried...we stayed after and got our books signed and left saying "wow' we have just witnessed a God moment...God was in that place as he talked...you expected the witness from him about the book...but not the personal witness of his life struggles...the same struggles I was dealing with but from the other side...of the prideful and egotistical cheater...
it was special these special friends were with me and experienced it with me.
It was a revelation to me...I came home and sat down and packaged the book with a note that said Read this book and started to send it to Mark...but that little God voice inside my head said...stop...don't...the time is not right for this...he won't get it...listen to me...so I did... it still sits packaged ready to go when I get the word from God...
If you haven't read The Shack go out and buy it today and meet the father, son and holy ghost. All three in ways you won't believe in a story of forgiveness...
Blessings today...
One day my friend Leslie at work said "guess who is coming to Charleston...Paul Young...he wrote 'The Shack'...we have to plan on going to see him." So, my daughter-in-law Jennifer, Leslie and I went to see him speak. What a night...the witness was unreal...his story of how a couple of friends published this book and distributed it out of their garage to it becoming a world-wide phenomenon...is amazing...
also amazing was his story of cheating on his wife of many years...how his ego outgrew himself and how he struggled with all of it...and his relationship with God...and now 9 years later she is just starting to trust him again...she is just starting to love him again...what a fool he had been and how he let his pride and ego get in the way of all that he loved...his kids, his wife and his life...what a revelation...
we all sat shocked and stunned and cried...we stayed after and got our books signed and left saying "wow' we have just witnessed a God moment...God was in that place as he talked...you expected the witness from him about the book...but not the personal witness of his life struggles...the same struggles I was dealing with but from the other side...of the prideful and egotistical cheater...
it was special these special friends were with me and experienced it with me.
It was a revelation to me...I came home and sat down and packaged the book with a note that said Read this book and started to send it to Mark...but that little God voice inside my head said...stop...don't...the time is not right for this...he won't get it...listen to me...so I did... it still sits packaged ready to go when I get the word from God...
If you haven't read The Shack go out and buy it today and meet the father, son and holy ghost. All three in ways you won't believe in a story of forgiveness...
Blessings today...
Thursday, March 3, 2011
play it again sam
Why will it never go away?
You know I can be having a great day...cruising right along and then it will hit me and I will break down...the destruction of the marriage...the hurt...the pain...I just don't get it.
As you know, I like answers...I like to know why things are happening...so WHY does it always come back? And why does it come back when it does?
Nick would tell me to think about this...it isn't as often and it doesn't send me to bed for a week like it did in the beginning...but why does it keep haunting me?
Mark was a jerk...he was a liar...he was a cheat....he did something that went against all I believed in...why would I waste my time even giving him a second of my brain space?? Was it because for 32 years this was normal? I felt that what we had was perfect? I trusted him for 32 years? I didn't think he could do something like this? I feel like aliens invaded the body of the man I loved. That I don't matter now.
I sometimes wonder if it is just the competition of the chase...someone else got what I had. How psycho is that! I watched a movie the other night about a teenage boy who checked himself into a mental hospital to just get away from it all and have a rest from parents and the world...Sometimes I think I would love to do that.
This sucks...I don't want to play it over and over. I want to move on. I want the good life I know is right around the corner...right within my reach...I want that...but I can't get past the past.
Pray for me.
You know I can be having a great day...cruising right along and then it will hit me and I will break down...the destruction of the marriage...the hurt...the pain...I just don't get it.
As you know, I like answers...I like to know why things are happening...so WHY does it always come back? And why does it come back when it does?
Nick would tell me to think about this...it isn't as often and it doesn't send me to bed for a week like it did in the beginning...but why does it keep haunting me?
Mark was a jerk...he was a liar...he was a cheat....he did something that went against all I believed in...why would I waste my time even giving him a second of my brain space?? Was it because for 32 years this was normal? I felt that what we had was perfect? I trusted him for 32 years? I didn't think he could do something like this? I feel like aliens invaded the body of the man I loved. That I don't matter now.
I sometimes wonder if it is just the competition of the chase...someone else got what I had. How psycho is that! I watched a movie the other night about a teenage boy who checked himself into a mental hospital to just get away from it all and have a rest from parents and the world...Sometimes I think I would love to do that.
This sucks...I don't want to play it over and over. I want to move on. I want the good life I know is right around the corner...right within my reach...I want that...but I can't get past the past.
Pray for me.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
those voices in my head!
We always laugh at work about those little voices in our head...jokingly...but I am here to tell you there are really voices! I remember Cassell years ago doing a sermon about being a Christian and he said, "Once a Christian, you know when you are doing something wrong because it just doesn't feel right and you hear that voice that says 'what are you doing?' Things are never the same! You can't get rid of those voices once you've accepted Christ!!"...
During this year I have spent many days and nights on my knees praying...I have always felt closer to God on my knees...maybe it is that humbling thing...during those times of prayer I went from one extreme to another...I prayed for my husband and my life back to kill the SOB (something with fire and brimstone would be good)!! I am sure God loved those prayers!! Thank goodness he is a forgiving God!! But remember those little voices?? They were always the same and always said the same thing..."Step away!! Know I am God and let me do my work"..."trust me"....well, if you know me I am a little controlling and all trust was just blown out of the water due to a cheating husband...and it is hard to give up that control and really trust someone else. I know best...but when you are at your lowest you really learn the most...that's when I learned to give it up and know that he is God... I stepped away from everything related to Mark...I cleaned out my house of all things Mark...I need to trust the Lord and not me...looking at that emotional roller coaster i was on that may have been a really really good idea! As I cleaned out my house I also cleaned out myself...I stopped all contact with my family-in-law which was a really hard thing to do...but started to slowly heal. Wow! He does know what he is talking about!!
"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10...that be still thing is a whole other story!!
During this year I have spent many days and nights on my knees praying...I have always felt closer to God on my knees...maybe it is that humbling thing...during those times of prayer I went from one extreme to another...I prayed for my husband and my life back to kill the SOB (something with fire and brimstone would be good)!! I am sure God loved those prayers!! Thank goodness he is a forgiving God!! But remember those little voices?? They were always the same and always said the same thing..."Step away!! Know I am God and let me do my work"..."trust me"....well, if you know me I am a little controlling and all trust was just blown out of the water due to a cheating husband...and it is hard to give up that control and really trust someone else. I know best...but when you are at your lowest you really learn the most...that's when I learned to give it up and know that he is God... I stepped away from everything related to Mark...I cleaned out my house of all things Mark...I need to trust the Lord and not me...looking at that emotional roller coaster i was on that may have been a really really good idea! As I cleaned out my house I also cleaned out myself...I stopped all contact with my family-in-law which was a really hard thing to do...but started to slowly heal. Wow! He does know what he is talking about!!
"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10...that be still thing is a whole other story!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)