Why will it never go away?
You know I can be having a great day...cruising right along and then it will hit me and I will break down...the destruction of the marriage...the hurt...the pain...I just don't get it.
As you know, I like answers...I like to know why things are happening...so WHY does it always come back? And why does it come back when it does?
Nick would tell me to think about this...it isn't as often and it doesn't send me to bed for a week like it did in the beginning...but why does it keep haunting me?
Mark was a jerk...he was a liar...he was a cheat....he did something that went against all I believed in...why would I waste my time even giving him a second of my brain space?? Was it because for 32 years this was normal? I felt that what we had was perfect? I trusted him for 32 years? I didn't think he could do something like this? I feel like aliens invaded the body of the man I loved. That I don't matter now.
I sometimes wonder if it is just the competition of the chase...someone else got what I had. How psycho is that! I watched a movie the other night about a teenage boy who checked himself into a mental hospital to just get away from it all and have a rest from parents and the world...Sometimes I think I would love to do that.
This sucks...I don't want to play it over and over. I want to move on. I want the good life I know is right around the corner...right within my reach...I want that...but I can't get past the past.
Pray for me.
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