Revenge is Mine says the Lord

Throughout this past year I must confess I have thought of all of the ways to extract revenge on Mark McHenry.  In the beginning I also must admit I did some pretty bad things.  I said bad things, I called him really bad names and his girlfriend worse names.  I said horrible things to him in retaliation for the hurt he caused me and my family.  One of the most awful things I did was contact her husband.  In my defense I was told by my husband he already knew...another lie...he didn't have a clue.  So two marriages were destroyed and families were harmed at the selfishness of two people.
I called names, I cleaned my toilet with his toothbrush, I turned off his cell phone and then I asked my Lord for forgiveness.  Daily I ask the Lord to forgive my thoughts.  Some days are worse than others.  I would get pleasure from going online and reading blogs of ladies that did really horrible things...like writing on cars with spray paint, etc.  and wished I had the guts to do such a thing.  I don't and I finally realized all of the revenge and wrath only hurt one person and that was me.  By this time he could care less.  I still think back to before I knew about the affair and think of the hurtful things he said about my weight, my smell, my need for perfume, my not being clean enough, I was NEVER good enough...I was made to feel inferior.  That is one of the hidden things of divorce...you lose all self esteem.  I had a great job, a second job at church, I was well respected at both and loved by many but that didn't matter...one person...could make me feel so inferior and dirty with his words and actions.

There is scripture that I find pleasure in...instead of me looking for revenge...
Romans 12:19 says "Revenge is mine, says the Lord, I will repay"....I can't imagine the revenge the Lord can take...I don't want anyone I know or care about to EVER feel the revenge of the Lord because it will be unimaginable...When I am having revengeful days I think about that scripture and smile to myself.  I know that is evil but for a minute it feels good.  Then I feel bad...I also repeat things like "you reap what you sow" and know one day it will all come back to bite him on the butt and look forward to witnessing that  day.  I also know this is not very Christian-like.

I also know my Lord.  I know he is a forgiving and loving Lord and will forgive anything if we just ask.  Mark was my best friend and in the blink of an eye he went from my friend and lover to my enemy.  How is that possible? I ask God that all the time...how does that happen?
I know God will forgive him if he will just ask and I hope he has asked for forgiveness.  I know it doesn't sound like it but I forgave him a long time ago but there are days when I ask for revenge.

It is hard to be a Christian all the time and as you can tell I am still working on a lot of things.  I love my Lord and ask his forgiveness and ask Mark for forgiveness too for my actions.  My heart feels good at these times.  Then there are days when i repeat "revenge is mine, says the Lord, I will repay."