For the past 10 years I have finished my day by listing 3 things that I am grateful for that day. There has NEVER (even during my darkest hours) been a day that I can't find something to be thankful for....
When I go back and read the things they remind me of good days...I can remember times the kids were here, times we took the kids to college and dropped them off, times the grand kids were here and maybe sick, all great memories.
Zack was walking down a dirt road the other day with my friend Angie and me...and he stooped and picked up a rock...and said to me...remember when pappy and I would go and dig up potato rocks? He got real sad and said...those were good memories...and sad memories...he lagged behind and got very quiet...I wonder about the memories they take with them...they are encouraged to remember those good things...but I know they miss them.
What if you never thanked God for all of those little moments? I remember the book "Tuesday's with Morrie" Mitch asked Morrie if he could have just one perfect day what would it be...and Morrie said a normal day...with all of the day to day things that you would miss if you didn't have them...the call from a friend, the note in the mail, a drawing from one of the grand kids...all of that day-to-day stuff.
Thank you God...in case I don't say it enough...thanks for the everyday life that is Kim's...I am grateful for all of it...even those tough times....I say thank you!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
his name is Justin
My youngest son and I had a heart to heart the other night...and he said to me...you never call me by my name in your blog...it is always "my youngest son"....so, to everyone...his name is Justin. I love the fact they both read this...they call me to task some times about my blog...Justin and I are also in competition to see who gets the most visitors...I get about 57-62 a day...his site got 74 the other day and beat me. The race is on!!
My boys make me laugh....they are the outgrowth of me! Nick is me up one side and down the other...he plans the parties at work...he talks to everyone...he makes everyone happy...sometimes at his own expense...he is the life of any party...Mr social butterfly... I laugh because his son is Justin re-made...his daughter Taylor, is a mini-me and him. Sorry Jenn...you are in there somewhere. Nick looks like me...I always tell him...put a wig on him and you have me.
Justin is me in that he loves to read...he loves to talk about what he reads...he loves to write...he loves music and he loves the arts...we talk and we discuss....we share feelings...
Both of my boys and I talk and tell each other how we feel....there is a pure and true honesty between us.
Put all of those traits together and that's me...they are the best of me...they are the best of all I have to offer.
The are also dads...and the best of dads....they love their kids unconditionally...they think of their kids first and foremost...all they do they do for their kids....I always think I did something right because they think of others before themselves. That is a gift from God to put others first...when you have kids you learn...others come first...your kids come first.
Servant hood is not easy...we whine...it's all about us...what is in it for me? What can I get out of it...and they, like me, know it isn't about us...it is about others...and how we can serve them.
The proudest times of my life are when people tell me how the boys have helped them.
Someone on the hill behind our house told me how Nick, as a teen, stopped and helped them unload groceries when he saw they needed help....Justin goes to Sarah's school and plays his guitar for her class...they get to choose the songs...it is all about service to others.
God says we are to love our neighbor...Isaiah is all about servant hood...If I have taught my boys anything it is to have the heart of a servant...to give of yourself.
My boys and I are closer than ever...this ordeal has forced us to share our ideas about God, about love, about covenant, about strength, about truth, about honesty...I texted them just the other day and said I want to make sure you know what happened in our marriage...I want to be honest with you...They are free to ask me anything and I will tell them. Unlike their father who still has not taken responsibility for his affair...it is amazingly "Kim's fault"...My actions made him climb in bed with another woman...I was at fault...and his family believes him...the man who is always right...the man who walks on water....golden boy...does no wrong...it is amazing.
A servant's heart thinks of others before self...that is a gift to give your children...to be in service to others.
With that gift comes a gift from God....it is more blessed to give...the feeling of love you get when you serve.
You receive a gift in return.
Give of yourself each day.
Amen and Amen.
My boys make me laugh....they are the outgrowth of me! Nick is me up one side and down the other...he plans the parties at work...he talks to everyone...he makes everyone happy...sometimes at his own expense...he is the life of any party...Mr social butterfly... I laugh because his son is Justin re-made...his daughter Taylor, is a mini-me and him. Sorry Jenn...you are in there somewhere. Nick looks like me...I always tell him...put a wig on him and you have me.
Justin is me in that he loves to read...he loves to talk about what he reads...he loves to write...he loves music and he loves the arts...we talk and we discuss....we share feelings...
Both of my boys and I talk and tell each other how we feel....there is a pure and true honesty between us.
Put all of those traits together and that's me...they are the best of me...they are the best of all I have to offer.
The are also dads...and the best of dads....they love their kids unconditionally...they think of their kids first and foremost...all they do they do for their kids....I always think I did something right because they think of others before themselves. That is a gift from God to put others first...when you have kids you learn...others come first...your kids come first.
Servant hood is not easy...we whine...it's all about us...what is in it for me? What can I get out of it...and they, like me, know it isn't about us...it is about others...and how we can serve them.
The proudest times of my life are when people tell me how the boys have helped them.
Someone on the hill behind our house told me how Nick, as a teen, stopped and helped them unload groceries when he saw they needed help....Justin goes to Sarah's school and plays his guitar for her class...they get to choose the songs...it is all about service to others.
God says we are to love our neighbor...Isaiah is all about servant hood...If I have taught my boys anything it is to have the heart of a servant...to give of yourself.
My boys and I are closer than ever...this ordeal has forced us to share our ideas about God, about love, about covenant, about strength, about truth, about honesty...I texted them just the other day and said I want to make sure you know what happened in our marriage...I want to be honest with you...They are free to ask me anything and I will tell them. Unlike their father who still has not taken responsibility for his affair...it is amazingly "Kim's fault"...My actions made him climb in bed with another woman...I was at fault...and his family believes him...the man who is always right...the man who walks on water....golden boy...does no wrong...it is amazing.
A servant's heart thinks of others before self...that is a gift to give your children...to be in service to others.
With that gift comes a gift from God....it is more blessed to give...the feeling of love you get when you serve.
You receive a gift in return.
Give of yourself each day.
Amen and Amen.
bad hair day
All women know what I mean! Yesterday I got my hair cut..which I do every 5 weeks. When my hair goes flat on top it is frightening! So I go often to keep it looking decent...that is one thing I did not give up due to the after-divorce finances.
My beautician is Leah and she knows all of the dirty secrets of my life. She is young and full of life and we laugh. There is a dog at the salon so it can't get better than that for me!
My mom was a beautician and we knew the life stories of all of her clients. I had frosted hair at age 12 when she needed to practice! She cut my boy's hair, my hair, Mac's hair and now she has cut the great grand kid's!
She had a chair and sink in our basement where she did hair after she retired. We loved to play beauty shop.
Yesterday when I left the salon, I was stylin'!! I knew it...then the day after comes...when it is screamin' off my head and I am like....what do I do with it!! It isn't suppose to look like this!!! I haven't seen this on any celebrity or in any magazine. I am afraid to wash it...then I loose all contact with what Leah had it looking like!
I can be that type of Christian...I look really good on Sunday but then I wake up Monday morning and go back to work and back to the real world and back to the real me!
People piss me off, I get angry, I get even....what happen to that Sunday lady?? This version doesn't look a thing like that Sunday person.
Maybe that's why I go to church so often...I like that Sunday person...I want more of her in my life...
but real life is just that...real...we have to find a way to work that Sunday person into every other day of the week...not an easy thing to do...like the hair...I have to live with it every day...so I find a way to tame it...
On a completely different subject....In honor of St Paddy's day in a few weeks I am reading...A book of Irish Blessings and Prayers (thanks to the church book sale...blatant plug)...so I will end this with a blessing I liked!
May the God of song and dance bless you
The Father who started the dance
The Son who calls the tune
And the Spirit who plays the pipes
Have a great hair day! Work it!!
My beautician is Leah and she knows all of the dirty secrets of my life. She is young and full of life and we laugh. There is a dog at the salon so it can't get better than that for me!
My mom was a beautician and we knew the life stories of all of her clients. I had frosted hair at age 12 when she needed to practice! She cut my boy's hair, my hair, Mac's hair and now she has cut the great grand kid's!
She had a chair and sink in our basement where she did hair after she retired. We loved to play beauty shop.
Yesterday when I left the salon, I was stylin'!! I knew it...then the day after comes...when it is screamin' off my head and I am like....what do I do with it!! It isn't suppose to look like this!!! I haven't seen this on any celebrity or in any magazine. I am afraid to wash it...then I loose all contact with what Leah had it looking like!
I can be that type of Christian...I look really good on Sunday but then I wake up Monday morning and go back to work and back to the real world and back to the real me!
People piss me off, I get angry, I get even....what happen to that Sunday lady?? This version doesn't look a thing like that Sunday person.
Maybe that's why I go to church so often...I like that Sunday person...I want more of her in my life...
but real life is just that...real...we have to find a way to work that Sunday person into every other day of the week...not an easy thing to do...like the hair...I have to live with it every day...so I find a way to tame it...
On a completely different subject....In honor of St Paddy's day in a few weeks I am reading...A book of Irish Blessings and Prayers (thanks to the church book sale...blatant plug)...so I will end this with a blessing I liked!
May the God of song and dance bless you
The Father who started the dance
The Son who calls the tune
And the Spirit who plays the pipes
Have a great hair day! Work it!!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
i've thought about death
In the very beginning of this journey, I thought about death...it would have been so much easier to just take the pain away...to take a few too many pills, to run the car into a ditch at a high speed, to use a gun...one time and I would be free of the pain...all gone..
I asked my counselor...and he said ...that's normal....when you get to the planning and really considering it then we need to worry about you...but, he said...I don't think I have to worry about you...do I have wimp written all over me? I really did think about it...for several days in the black of the fog.
I also thought how awful it would make Mark feel...he would be sorry he did this to me...little did I know this man wouldn't feel sorry for anything he did...my death would have given him a way out...big time...glad I didn't do it! I wanted him to suffer....he doesn't.
My lawyer gave me the scenario she has seen over and over...he will move in with the girlfriend...marry her and after several years...he will be in her office asking her to help him get a second divorce...it is textbook...one day that relationship gets older and it happens faster and he goes looking for the next one...the books I read talk about sucking the life out of you and moving on to the next person, who doesn't know him and sucking the life out of her...they call him a narcassitic sociopath. I agree.
I have a confession to make...I always thought he would come back...it has just hit me recently and I think the finality has finally hit that he isn't ever coming back. I always thought we could work through this...we have for 32 year...all the ups and downs...we made it through...but he isn't coming back...
One of the things my counselor had me do was make a list of all of the things Mark would have to do before I would consider reconciliation and the list was very long...very long...including giving up his girlfriend, making up with the boys...and on and on...those things could never happen because of his pride and ego.
His famous line was "You know I am always right"...No he isn't...not in any of it... is he right.
Death is not the answer....reconciliation is not the answer...peace and forgiveness is the answer I have to find...and just when I think I find it...it leaves me....just out of my grasp....but one day...one day...with God's help...I will get there.
I asked my counselor...and he said ...that's normal....when you get to the planning and really considering it then we need to worry about you...but, he said...I don't think I have to worry about you...do I have wimp written all over me? I really did think about it...for several days in the black of the fog.
I also thought how awful it would make Mark feel...he would be sorry he did this to me...little did I know this man wouldn't feel sorry for anything he did...my death would have given him a way out...big time...glad I didn't do it! I wanted him to suffer....he doesn't.
My lawyer gave me the scenario she has seen over and over...he will move in with the girlfriend...marry her and after several years...he will be in her office asking her to help him get a second divorce...it is textbook...one day that relationship gets older and it happens faster and he goes looking for the next one...the books I read talk about sucking the life out of you and moving on to the next person, who doesn't know him and sucking the life out of her...they call him a narcassitic sociopath. I agree.
I have a confession to make...I always thought he would come back...it has just hit me recently and I think the finality has finally hit that he isn't ever coming back. I always thought we could work through this...we have for 32 year...all the ups and downs...we made it through...but he isn't coming back...
One of the things my counselor had me do was make a list of all of the things Mark would have to do before I would consider reconciliation and the list was very long...very long...including giving up his girlfriend, making up with the boys...and on and on...those things could never happen because of his pride and ego.
His famous line was "You know I am always right"...No he isn't...not in any of it... is he right.
Death is not the answer....reconciliation is not the answer...peace and forgiveness is the answer I have to find...and just when I think I find it...it leaves me....just out of my grasp....but one day...one day...with God's help...I will get there.
play it again sam
Why will it never go away?
You know I can be having a great day...cruising right along and then it will hit me and I will break down...the destruction of the marriage...the hurt...the pain...I just don't get it.
As you know, I like answers...I like to know why things are happening...so WHY does it always come back? And why does it come back when it does?
Nick would tell me to think about this...it isn't as often and it doesn't send me to bed for a week like it did in the beginning...but why does it keep haunting me?
Mark was a jerk...he was a liar...he was a cheat....he did something that went against all I believed in...why would I waste my time even giving him a second of my brain space?? Was it because for 32 years this was normal? I felt that what we had was perfect? I trusted him for 32 years? I didn't think he could do something like this? I feel like aliens invaded the body of the man I loved. That I don't matter now.
I sometimes wonder if it is just the competition of the chase...someone else got what I had. How psycho is that! I watched a movie the other night about a teenage boy who checked himself into a mental hospital to just get away from it all and have a rest from parents and the world...Sometimes I think I would love to do that.
This sucks...I don't want to play it over and over. I want to move on. I want the good life I know is right around the corner...right within my reach...I want that...but I can't get past the past.
Pray for me.
You know I can be having a great day...cruising right along and then it will hit me and I will break down...the destruction of the marriage...the hurt...the pain...I just don't get it.
As you know, I like answers...I like to know why things are happening...so WHY does it always come back? And why does it come back when it does?
Nick would tell me to think about this...it isn't as often and it doesn't send me to bed for a week like it did in the beginning...but why does it keep haunting me?
Mark was a jerk...he was a liar...he was a cheat....he did something that went against all I believed in...why would I waste my time even giving him a second of my brain space?? Was it because for 32 years this was normal? I felt that what we had was perfect? I trusted him for 32 years? I didn't think he could do something like this? I feel like aliens invaded the body of the man I loved. That I don't matter now.
I sometimes wonder if it is just the competition of the chase...someone else got what I had. How psycho is that! I watched a movie the other night about a teenage boy who checked himself into a mental hospital to just get away from it all and have a rest from parents and the world...Sometimes I think I would love to do that.
This sucks...I don't want to play it over and over. I want to move on. I want the good life I know is right around the corner...right within my reach...I want that...but I can't get past the past.
Pray for me.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
books books and more books
We are getting ready for our big book sale at church...this is an annual event by the youth and some people despise it...I LOVE it because I am a reader...I love looking at all of the books, trying to figure out who brought them, recommending some to others to read...I am in my element...
There are books EVERYWHERE....and books about EVERYTHING. It is amazing.
I recently got a kindle and what I miss most about not having a book in hand is the opportunity to pass on a book for someone else to read...books are about community.
I love to discuss a book and hear other people's points-of-view...that's why I love being part of a book club...i love the discussion...I've decided I should have lived when they had soirees...
You know I have to tie this back to my God experiences...
Books are like all of God's people...we are made for a purpose, we can make a real difference in someone's life, we all look different, you can't judge a book by it's cover....just like God's people...the same thing can be said for us.
Come on out and buy a new book...pick up something you wouldn't normally choose...see where God is leading you...last night I picked up
"The Element of Style" a 1959 book by E.B.White on how to use the english language...loving it!!
So, try something different and new!
There are books EVERYWHERE....and books about EVERYTHING. It is amazing.
I recently got a kindle and what I miss most about not having a book in hand is the opportunity to pass on a book for someone else to read...books are about community.
I love to discuss a book and hear other people's points-of-view...that's why I love being part of a book club...i love the discussion...I've decided I should have lived when they had soirees...
You know I have to tie this back to my God experiences...
Books are like all of God's people...we are made for a purpose, we can make a real difference in someone's life, we all look different, you can't judge a book by it's cover....just like God's people...the same thing can be said for us.
Come on out and buy a new book...pick up something you wouldn't normally choose...see where God is leading you...last night I picked up
"The Element of Style" a 1959 book by E.B.White on how to use the english language...loving it!!
So, try something different and new!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
kids are always kids
So, (that is a joke based on yesterday's post!)
As I've said before... my kids are older...they are men...but they will always be my kids...I was thinking today as I passed their old elementary school...I used to know EVERYTHING about them...what time they got up in the morning, who went to bed first, who walked home from school, what time they would catch the bus...I was thinking...Mark never knew that stuff...those are questions I am going to ask the next man...if he knows that kind of thing about his kids...then I will know he was involved with them and was close.
My youngest son right now is hurting...he has been laid off from his job...he is a new dad...and a new homeowner...as much as I give him my cheerleader speeches...the ones about take this time to enjoy your new daughter, you are saving on day care expenses, take the time to find the job you love...I know he is rolling his eyes and saying "thanks mom" but deep down he is worried....He is like his father in that respect...both of my boys are...they are worriers about money...and things...they worry.
Just this weekend the scripture at church was the famous Matthew scripture that talks about worry:
"Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" (Matthew 6:26)
I have always said I am not a worrier but there are times the fear consumes me...I get this feeling that comes over me of pure panic and fear of being alone... of loneliness...I always believed Mac and I would be together forever...and I panic thinking that isn't there anymore...that I will be alone when I hurt, when I am sick and when I have to make life decisions.
I understand how God hurts when we hurt...when his children hurt he feels the sorrow and the pain...because I feel the pain of my boys...I feel their pain during this terrible time...their confusion with their feelings about their father...I wish I could make it better for them...I can't...When we suffer... God suffers...he hurts with us and for us.
If God is a good father...which he is...he knows all of those things about me...like I know about my boys...he knows my pain and my suffering...and he hurts with me...just like I do with my boys...
What a good father he is...
As I've said before... my kids are older...they are men...but they will always be my kids...I was thinking today as I passed their old elementary school...I used to know EVERYTHING about them...what time they got up in the morning, who went to bed first, who walked home from school, what time they would catch the bus...I was thinking...Mark never knew that stuff...those are questions I am going to ask the next man...if he knows that kind of thing about his kids...then I will know he was involved with them and was close.
My youngest son right now is hurting...he has been laid off from his job...he is a new dad...and a new homeowner...as much as I give him my cheerleader speeches...the ones about take this time to enjoy your new daughter, you are saving on day care expenses, take the time to find the job you love...I know he is rolling his eyes and saying "thanks mom" but deep down he is worried....He is like his father in that respect...both of my boys are...they are worriers about money...and things...they worry.
Just this weekend the scripture at church was the famous Matthew scripture that talks about worry:
"Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" (Matthew 6:26)
I have always said I am not a worrier but there are times the fear consumes me...I get this feeling that comes over me of pure panic and fear of being alone... of loneliness...I always believed Mac and I would be together forever...and I panic thinking that isn't there anymore...that I will be alone when I hurt, when I am sick and when I have to make life decisions.
I understand how God hurts when we hurt...when his children hurt he feels the sorrow and the pain...because I feel the pain of my boys...I feel their pain during this terrible time...their confusion with their feelings about their father...I wish I could make it better for them...I can't...When we suffer... God suffers...he hurts with us and for us.
If God is a good father...which he is...he knows all of those things about me...like I know about my boys...he knows my pain and my suffering...and he hurts with me...just like I do with my boys...
What a good father he is...
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