So, I went back and read some of my past posts yesterday. Have you ever noticed how many times I start a sentence with "So, "...wonder what that is all about.
I knew there had to be an answer somewhere about this phenomenon. Sure enough I googled it and read:
"Starting a sentence with 'so' claims it as true. Starting a sentence with 'So' came about from the folks at Silicon Valley during the 90's. 'So' adds a whiff of logic to relay authority. The word "well" vacillates but "so" declaims."
Wow...do you think I am once again trying to control a situation? I want you to believe everything I am saying...so, i will start the sentence that way...
I even try to control you folks, some of you I don't even know!
While I was going to counseling we had many conversations about control...one of the things I have come out of this believing is the only person I can control is ME. That is a complete backstep for me...I always thought I had control of my life. I can hear God laughing right now! Loudly!
I was NEVER in control.
Mark has always told me I turned the boys against him. Even when we were still married, I made him out to be the bad guy in the marriage. They are grown men in their 30's...whom I've had no control over since the time they were probably in elementary school. Somehow I have controlled their thoughts about this entire ordeal. So, that's amazing that I can have such control over grown men! You would think I'd have a line at my door!
At some point throughout this past year I remember saying to God...here is is...I am not doing very well with it...it is all yours! I gave up any control I thought I had and remember feeling such relief.
What a relief it is to realize you don't need to work so hard trying to control people, situations and outcomes.
It is what it is...that is a great phrase that is pretty popular right now and it is so true.
So, it is what it is.
So, deal with it!
So, control-freak! Let it go!
So, you're not in control.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
i listened
So, yesterday I was on my way to zumba and I turned off everything and just listened...and it was non-stop...the damn broke loose...God must have been holding it in for awhile!
Here is his answer and it goes:
Go where I send you...and you will go away...
There is a life to be saved.
Be patient
The past is the past
Have no doubt and move forward
you will know what I want from you...I will tell you...
Now the patience part will be the hardest!!
Here is his answer and it goes:
Go where I send you...and you will go away...
There is a life to be saved.
Be patient
The past is the past
Have no doubt and move forward
you will know what I want from you...I will tell you...
Now the patience part will be the hardest!!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
be still and listen
I have been struggling this week. It has been a tough week. I blame the weather. My mood has fit the rainy, dreary, foggy, blah weather. I have also been struggling with a bad feeling about my church. If you read this you know how important my church is to me. Last weekend I was on a roll, running my mouth (to a few people) huffing and puffing! My voice of reason is always my friend Lora who listened to this huffing.
She told me to be still and listen. She sent me scripture that said the same thing. I thought I had been still and I thought I had listened. But maybe I missed something!
Last night as I was doing my bible study guess what scripture I came upon...God telling Elijah in the book of Kings to go to a cave "be still and listen and know I am God." This morning I am changing my sheets which I do every Saturday and I find one of those little scripture cards in my bed....the prayer reads:
"Dear God, we know you do still speak to us. Help us to be still and know what you are trying to tell us."
The scripture on the back of the card was Exodus 33:14 "My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest."
So maybe I better stop that huffing and puffing...be still and listen and God will give me rest from the struggles I've been having...what do you think?
When you are a mouth it is hard to be quiet. I remember when Aslam asked me to take on the duties of Children's Ministry, I told him...I am used to being in charge...I am bossy...I am mouthy...and he said..."I think God is telling you, you may need this!" He was right and God was right...I needed that.
So let me listen again...Be still and listen.
She told me to be still and listen. She sent me scripture that said the same thing. I thought I had been still and I thought I had listened. But maybe I missed something!
Last night as I was doing my bible study guess what scripture I came upon...God telling Elijah in the book of Kings to go to a cave "be still and listen and know I am God." This morning I am changing my sheets which I do every Saturday and I find one of those little scripture cards in my bed....the prayer reads:
"Dear God, we know you do still speak to us. Help us to be still and know what you are trying to tell us."
The scripture on the back of the card was Exodus 33:14 "My presence shall go with thee, and I will give thee rest."
So maybe I better stop that huffing and puffing...be still and listen and God will give me rest from the struggles I've been having...what do you think?
When you are a mouth it is hard to be quiet. I remember when Aslam asked me to take on the duties of Children's Ministry, I told him...I am used to being in charge...I am bossy...I am mouthy...and he said..."I think God is telling you, you may need this!" He was right and God was right...I needed that.
So let me listen again...Be still and listen.
Friday, February 25, 2011
you don't know it
Right now there is a Jimmy Dean breakfast sausage commercial that makes me stop and take note every time it comes on TV. A girl is standing at a podium participating in a spelling bee. Her word is "bright" and this little voice keeps saying "you don't know it". It is very irritating and annoying. "you don't know it"
I am reading right now about doubt...which to me is like that little voice. Doubt is that little voice saying "you don't know it." when sometimes I have seen it for myself. I ran into Mark and his girlfriend Kathy back in September...they were in a restaurant, sitting all loving with each other, petting all over each other and it broke me. It hurt so bad. That was a turning point to me...I changed my phone number and didn't give it to his family and stopped all contact with any of them.
Even though I have seen it for myself....there is still that little bit of doubt that says "you don't know it". Why won't it stop?
I've seen it face to face...there should be NO doubt about what he has been up to. But it is hard for me to believe that 32 years were given for nothing. "you don't know it"
This morning I read "doubt is a choice we make" and it quoted the scripture of James (my favorite book of the bible) as it talked about being like a ship tossed on the seas when you have doubt. James also talks about asking and praying without doubt gets you exactly what you ask for. Are we ever that confident in God?
I am being tossed and getting seasick in the process.
Lord, Take the doubt away.
I am reading right now about doubt...which to me is like that little voice. Doubt is that little voice saying "you don't know it." when sometimes I have seen it for myself. I ran into Mark and his girlfriend Kathy back in September...they were in a restaurant, sitting all loving with each other, petting all over each other and it broke me. It hurt so bad. That was a turning point to me...I changed my phone number and didn't give it to his family and stopped all contact with any of them.
Even though I have seen it for myself....there is still that little bit of doubt that says "you don't know it". Why won't it stop?
I've seen it face to face...there should be NO doubt about what he has been up to. But it is hard for me to believe that 32 years were given for nothing. "you don't know it"
This morning I read "doubt is a choice we make" and it quoted the scripture of James (my favorite book of the bible) as it talked about being like a ship tossed on the seas when you have doubt. James also talks about asking and praying without doubt gets you exactly what you ask for. Are we ever that confident in God?
I am being tossed and getting seasick in the process.
Lord, Take the doubt away.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
prophets of old
As I read for this disciple class you are going to hear a lot of comments...When I read scripture, especially old testament there are always things I do not get or understand...Tonight it is the prophets of old...I like these guys...they don't tip toe or worry about feelings...they have a message to get out...even though it may mean they will be killed (and not in a nice way) for what they say.
Nathan walked right up to David...told the story of a man with a lamb he loved like a child and the rich man that took the lamb and slaughtered it...David gets upset and swears to kill the rich man and Nathan looks him in the eye and says "You're that man"...He calls him an adulterer, murderer, thief and liar. David was king at the time and had Uriah (his faithful warrior) killed and took Bathsheba to his bed...David betrayed his covenant with God, he kills, betrays and acts in his own self-interest...sounds like a story I know...I like Nathan's straight forwardness. I like his kick-butt honesty.
Recently, I had the chance to tell someone what I thought God would do. I am helping with the Confirmation class at church. The kids are wearing WWJD bracelets and I thought I will wear one too. The youth were told this was their chance to share Jesus with others if someone asks. Guess who got asked!! Me at work...in a meeting earlier this week, someone said to me...what is on your bracelet...I explained about the kids and wearing the bracelet...then they asked well what does WWJD mean? An I replied...What Would Jesus Do...so today the same person came to me and said...I don't know what Jesus would do but what do you think I should do in this instance...This same person has told me in the past how she has worked with Christian people who always turned her off. Sometimes it is the quiet, steady and living what you say that bring people around to Christ. Can they look at you and see Christ in the way you deal with things??
I remember the first time I had a college kids say to me...I remember what you said about such and such....and I remember saying to them."Why would you listen to me???" "Why would you think I know anything?". I feel the same way about telling someone about Christ. What do I know. Why would you listen to me??
We influence others so we are sort of like a prophet of old...all of the words don't do it but sometimes the way we act and how we react is what invites others to take a second look at God.
Help me Lord to always be what you want me to be...help me to walk the walk while talking the talk. Help me be brave like a prophet of old.
Nathan walked right up to David...told the story of a man with a lamb he loved like a child and the rich man that took the lamb and slaughtered it...David gets upset and swears to kill the rich man and Nathan looks him in the eye and says "You're that man"...He calls him an adulterer, murderer, thief and liar. David was king at the time and had Uriah (his faithful warrior) killed and took Bathsheba to his bed...David betrayed his covenant with God, he kills, betrays and acts in his own self-interest...sounds like a story I know...I like Nathan's straight forwardness. I like his kick-butt honesty.
Recently, I had the chance to tell someone what I thought God would do. I am helping with the Confirmation class at church. The kids are wearing WWJD bracelets and I thought I will wear one too. The youth were told this was their chance to share Jesus with others if someone asks. Guess who got asked!! Me at work...in a meeting earlier this week, someone said to me...what is on your bracelet...I explained about the kids and wearing the bracelet...then they asked well what does WWJD mean? An I replied...What Would Jesus Do...so today the same person came to me and said...I don't know what Jesus would do but what do you think I should do in this instance...This same person has told me in the past how she has worked with Christian people who always turned her off. Sometimes it is the quiet, steady and living what you say that bring people around to Christ. Can they look at you and see Christ in the way you deal with things??
I remember the first time I had a college kids say to me...I remember what you said about such and such....and I remember saying to them."Why would you listen to me???" "Why would you think I know anything?". I feel the same way about telling someone about Christ. What do I know. Why would you listen to me??
We influence others so we are sort of like a prophet of old...all of the words don't do it but sometimes the way we act and how we react is what invites others to take a second look at God.
Help me Lord to always be what you want me to be...help me to walk the walk while talking the talk. Help me be brave like a prophet of old.
why lament? why repent?
Last night we had a disciple bible study class...I love to learn about the history of God's people while applying it to my life. They are very similar. Human kind has not changed in all of these years. Poor God, how many times do you think he would love to say...stop your whining...grow up....it isn't about you.
We reviewed lamentations...God's chosen people blamed God for every woe they had after their exile...he didn't listen to their prayers, he discarded them like trash, he watched them suffer...all of those lines start with "He" did this to me...."He" brought this on me...not until later in the chapter do you see repentance. After all of the wailing and "woe" they figure out maybe I better repent...maybe not for the right reasons...but they start seeing maybe this was the result of something they did. So they say "forgive me, Lord".
Only after that repentance do they find recovery and hope and do they listen to the commandments of God and what they are told to do. Through suffering they find God. He ends by saying Call out and I will be listening. I never forsake you.
OK, I have to say it, does this sound like me or what...of course no one's pain is as bad as yours...but my suffering has led to me first blaming and questioning God...followed by me looking at my part in this...what did I do to bring this on? Could I have been a better spouse? To finally seeing there is hope in my future if I follow and listen to God. If I put him first I can survive.
A lament is a prayer that expresses sorrow or it means to mourn out loud. So I thought I would write my own lament. Lucky you, I am going to share it with you. Here goes my stab at a Psalm of Lament.
God, why do you let bad things happen? Why do you let those that hurt us walk around as if they are superior and all is fine and dandy? My husband has become my ex. He was my true love, I loved him with my whole heart for a lifetime. Was that the problem? I loved him more than you? Are you a jealous God? Did you allow this to happen to me because in some unknown way I had deceived you? I did something I didn't even realize offended you? I want to know WHY from you, God and from Mark. WHY did this happen to me?
I believed you would always protect me. I believed he would always love me. I believed you would always cover my heart, keep it from ever breaking. I did your work. I did what you called me to do. My heart is broken. A million shards of glass.
Help me Lord to heal. How do you heal a broken heart? How do you mend something that can't be seen?
Will the hurt ever go away? I ask you to take it. Take the hurt. Take the pain. Never let it happen again. Once in a lifetime is enough, isn't it? Never let me hurt like this ever again. But through the suffering I have found you Lord. Through the pain I have met you. Through the betrayal and hurt you lifted me up and loved me. I know you in ways I never knew you. Thank you for loving me through it all.
Amen and Amen
We reviewed lamentations...God's chosen people blamed God for every woe they had after their exile...he didn't listen to their prayers, he discarded them like trash, he watched them suffer...all of those lines start with "He" did this to me...."He" brought this on me...not until later in the chapter do you see repentance. After all of the wailing and "woe" they figure out maybe I better repent...maybe not for the right reasons...but they start seeing maybe this was the result of something they did. So they say "forgive me, Lord".
Only after that repentance do they find recovery and hope and do they listen to the commandments of God and what they are told to do. Through suffering they find God. He ends by saying Call out and I will be listening. I never forsake you.
OK, I have to say it, does this sound like me or what...of course no one's pain is as bad as yours...but my suffering has led to me first blaming and questioning God...followed by me looking at my part in this...what did I do to bring this on? Could I have been a better spouse? To finally seeing there is hope in my future if I follow and listen to God. If I put him first I can survive.
A lament is a prayer that expresses sorrow or it means to mourn out loud. So I thought I would write my own lament. Lucky you, I am going to share it with you. Here goes my stab at a Psalm of Lament.
God, why do you let bad things happen? Why do you let those that hurt us walk around as if they are superior and all is fine and dandy? My husband has become my ex. He was my true love, I loved him with my whole heart for a lifetime. Was that the problem? I loved him more than you? Are you a jealous God? Did you allow this to happen to me because in some unknown way I had deceived you? I did something I didn't even realize offended you? I want to know WHY from you, God and from Mark. WHY did this happen to me?
I believed you would always protect me. I believed he would always love me. I believed you would always cover my heart, keep it from ever breaking. I did your work. I did what you called me to do. My heart is broken. A million shards of glass.
Help me Lord to heal. How do you heal a broken heart? How do you mend something that can't be seen?
Will the hurt ever go away? I ask you to take it. Take the hurt. Take the pain. Never let it happen again. Once in a lifetime is enough, isn't it? Never let me hurt like this ever again. But through the suffering I have found you Lord. Through the pain I have met you. Through the betrayal and hurt you lifted me up and loved me. I know you in ways I never knew you. Thank you for loving me through it all.
Amen and Amen
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
why do they dig holes?
On Saturday it was a beautiful day...one of the things I did was fill all of those holes in my backyard the dogs dig. I have five dogs and one of their favorite things to do (as all dogs) is dig holes...it drives me nuts...I go out and fall in them, trip over them...they fill with water...which means mud...they are YUK...
Plus I like a nice looking yard...so on that beautiful day I filled up the holes with dirt I found when I cleaned the garage . Put in a little grass seed and thought I am set for spring...that grass is going to get some water tonight when it rains...all set!
WRONG!! After church on Sunday I came home to...empty holes with dirt spread everywhere...all over the back porch...and it had rained...mud...on paws...drug into my house...on my rugs...was I mad...and there they sat, tails wagging...you just can't fuss...they don't have a clue.So much for perfection! My perfect looking backyard was history!!
Have you ever noticed when you are all dressed up, thinking you are really looking hot..something will always happen...you will spill something down the front of you, have a string hanging, pop a button...I always laugh and say...God doesn't like perfection!! He knows there is no way I am perfect....we may THINK we are perfect...but he definitely knows better! It puts you in your place! My God is always laughing at me...and I think he is very sarcastic...and likes a good laugh at my expense. I envision him saying...you think you're looking good don't you...ooops there goes a runner in the hose...what do you think now? I was getting a little too big for my britches and needed reminded!
What about those times when you want everything to be perfect...your house...your kids...company is coming...and then your kids say all of those things you don't want them to...everyone is going to think SHE ISN'T PERFECT...Guess what...it is no secret....none of us are!! No one is perfect... there was only one person ...and it's not me and its not you...I always tell my church kids...you are NOT God's gift to the world as much as you think you are!! God's true gift was his son...Isn't that hard to believe!?! Doesn't the world revolve around me? MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME...
Life becomes so much easier when we stop trying to be perfect...God loves us just where we are and how we are...thank goodness I can stop trying to be perfect!
Plus I like a nice looking yard...so on that beautiful day I filled up the holes with dirt I found when I cleaned the garage . Put in a little grass seed and thought I am set for spring...that grass is going to get some water tonight when it rains...all set!
WRONG!! After church on Sunday I came home to...empty holes with dirt spread everywhere...all over the back porch...and it had rained...mud...on paws...drug into my house...on my rugs...was I mad...and there they sat, tails wagging...you just can't fuss...they don't have a clue.So much for perfection! My perfect looking backyard was history!!
Have you ever noticed when you are all dressed up, thinking you are really looking hot..something will always happen...you will spill something down the front of you, have a string hanging, pop a button...I always laugh and say...God doesn't like perfection!! He knows there is no way I am perfect....we may THINK we are perfect...but he definitely knows better! It puts you in your place! My God is always laughing at me...and I think he is very sarcastic...and likes a good laugh at my expense. I envision him saying...you think you're looking good don't you...ooops there goes a runner in the hose...what do you think now? I was getting a little too big for my britches and needed reminded!
What about those times when you want everything to be perfect...your house...your kids...company is coming...and then your kids say all of those things you don't want them to...everyone is going to think SHE ISN'T PERFECT...Guess what...it is no secret....none of us are!! No one is perfect... there was only one person ...and it's not me and its not you...I always tell my church kids...you are NOT God's gift to the world as much as you think you are!! God's true gift was his son...Isn't that hard to believe!?! Doesn't the world revolve around me? MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME...
Life becomes so much easier when we stop trying to be perfect...God loves us just where we are and how we are...thank goodness I can stop trying to be perfect!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
obedience school
Vena and I went for a walk the other day and ran into an older gentleman we've met before and his dog...his dog is uber obedient...then you have Vena and I...she listens to me when she feels like it...sort of! The other dog opened the cage in the back of the truck and got in it himself without being told.
Vena is the one dog of all of mine who has been to obedience school. Vena listens when there isn't something distracting her. When there are no other puppies, when there are no rabbits, when there are no deer...she may listen. She is a German shepherd...she is a protector...and I know when push comes to shove she will protect...I always laugh at that little diddy that goes around about how a dog changes a light bulb and the german shepherd will get to it once she has checked the perimeter, rescued all the children and deems it safe. That is Vena...no other dog goes outside without Vena standing at the door watching it all.
She is sort of like me and God...when there are no other distractions...I can be sort of obedient...when there are no friends, issue, problems, worries...I can be obedient....on Sundays I can be obedient. Why is it so hard to always follow what God asks us to do...there are times I ask myself if it is even possible to be that good all the time? Should we even try when we know we can't live up to that bar that has been set for us?
Life is hard enough and there are pressures enough why add another one that doesn't even seem reachable.
Vena is the one dog of all of mine who has been to obedience school. Vena listens when there isn't something distracting her. When there are no other puppies, when there are no rabbits, when there are no deer...she may listen. She is a German shepherd...she is a protector...and I know when push comes to shove she will protect...I always laugh at that little diddy that goes around about how a dog changes a light bulb and the german shepherd will get to it once she has checked the perimeter, rescued all the children and deems it safe. That is Vena...no other dog goes outside without Vena standing at the door watching it all.
She is sort of like me and God...when there are no other distractions...I can be sort of obedient...when there are no friends, issue, problems, worries...I can be obedient....on Sundays I can be obedient. Why is it so hard to always follow what God asks us to do...there are times I ask myself if it is even possible to be that good all the time? Should we even try when we know we can't live up to that bar that has been set for us?
Life is hard enough and there are pressures enough why add another one that doesn't even seem reachable.
Deuteronomy 30:16 - For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in his ways, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess. I know the story of Job, he is put through hell, but never waivers in his love of the Lord and his trust in the Lord and he lives to prosper and have a good life. Those who trust in the Lord live to prosper and live a good life.
So I will keep on plugging along, looking up at that bar...knowing when I trust the Lord, when I put him first, when I get this obedience thing down...there are good things coming my way...I will live long and prosper.
Thank the Lord!
Monday, February 21, 2011
watch out... it breaks
I took up something I've always wanted to do after the divorce...stained glass...I've always wanted to give it a try so I did... I set up a small studio in the house where I dabble. Yesterday since I had some time I did some work. I've always been artistic but never had the time while raising kids to do anything with it...why do we loose our dreams??
I love glass...i love the colors...there is not just blue...it is teal, iridized, wispy,smooth, swirled. One of the most well known glass makers is here in West Virginia, Wissmach glass...I never knew that...if you aren't careful you can learn something new every day. A good friend used to say that to me all the time. Wissmach glass is found in churches all over the world....how neat! We never know where we will end up do we?!
You can't look at stained glass without just saying Wow...how beautiful...knowing the time and exactness the little pieces take to create.... that's what I look at those little pieces...we stood last summer in the Upper Room in Nashville and looked at the large stained glass that defines that chapel and i said to the kids look at those little tiny pieces...Jesus' eyes...so small...and exact and took lots of work.
Each piece of art is different...no two pieces of art are the same. You are different each time you create it.
You think glass breaks easily but the more you work with it you realize it is very strong and it is your fault if it breaks...you didn't take into account the cut or how you are breaking it, which is what you are doing...you are literally breaking it when you cut it but breaking it how you want it to break...controlling the break!
Working with stained glass is a puzzle...you don't want to get yourself painted into a corner...when you can't get a piece in...then you have to take it all apart and start again.
God creates each of us and we are different...we are born, each beautiful, full of color, hard to break...each piece of us is amazing. Then things happen to us...the color turns gray and black...there is very little color...we break because of things we do or things done to us...just like that glass..we are only breaking how we are told to break...we are a puzzle...sometimes we get wedged in and it is time to be torn apart and start again.
I am ready to start again...things have happened I didn't ask for and I am asking God to help me start over...bring the color back... all of those colors, the wispys and iridized...I want them all!! Bring back the Wow! I can't wait to get started...I can't wait to see the masterpiece he will create...the dreams that will be fulfilled. Thank you Lord for this life.
Amen
I love glass...i love the colors...there is not just blue...it is teal, iridized, wispy,smooth, swirled. One of the most well known glass makers is here in West Virginia, Wissmach glass...I never knew that...if you aren't careful you can learn something new every day. A good friend used to say that to me all the time. Wissmach glass is found in churches all over the world....how neat! We never know where we will end up do we?!
You can't look at stained glass without just saying Wow...how beautiful...knowing the time and exactness the little pieces take to create.... that's what I look at those little pieces...we stood last summer in the Upper Room in Nashville and looked at the large stained glass that defines that chapel and i said to the kids look at those little tiny pieces...Jesus' eyes...so small...and exact and took lots of work.
Each piece of art is different...no two pieces of art are the same. You are different each time you create it.
You think glass breaks easily but the more you work with it you realize it is very strong and it is your fault if it breaks...you didn't take into account the cut or how you are breaking it, which is what you are doing...you are literally breaking it when you cut it but breaking it how you want it to break...controlling the break!
Working with stained glass is a puzzle...you don't want to get yourself painted into a corner...when you can't get a piece in...then you have to take it all apart and start again.
God creates each of us and we are different...we are born, each beautiful, full of color, hard to break...each piece of us is amazing. Then things happen to us...the color turns gray and black...there is very little color...we break because of things we do or things done to us...just like that glass..we are only breaking how we are told to break...we are a puzzle...sometimes we get wedged in and it is time to be torn apart and start again.
I am ready to start again...things have happened I didn't ask for and I am asking God to help me start over...bring the color back... all of those colors, the wispys and iridized...I want them all!! Bring back the Wow! I can't wait to get started...I can't wait to see the masterpiece he will create...the dreams that will be fulfilled. Thank you Lord for this life.
Amen
Saturday, February 19, 2011
lay on your back and let it all hang out
Today as I said, it was beautiful here...I put lights up on the back porch so I can sit out back at night and enjoy a glass of wine and see to read a book...while climbing up and down the ladder I noticed Freckles rolling on her back with her legs up in the air just squirming and the entire time just whining like it was the best thing that could happen to you...
You know I have suddenly become very open to a lot of things and I thought what the heck...it makes her happy...i bet it would make me happy too.
Did I say I had been working in my flower gardens, cleaning the garage, etc...I think I threw my back out...but you know what..I agree with her..it felt pretty darn good...sunshine..cool grass...fresh dirt...what more could you want?? I had picked up the dog poop for the day!
God's earth is good..sometimes we forget that...he gives us a gift every day of sunshine, moon light, the smell after a rain, a flower bud, warm weather, puppies and the earth. With it comes responsibilities..it is easy to forget the lesson in Genesis...we have dominion over it all...and he is holding us accountable for how we use it.
Today I challenge you to get close to it...go outside..take off your shoes, wiggle your toes in the grass...if you are brave lay down on your back and wiggle like a dog you will be surprised how good you will feel!!
God bless.
You know I have suddenly become very open to a lot of things and I thought what the heck...it makes her happy...i bet it would make me happy too.
Did I say I had been working in my flower gardens, cleaning the garage, etc...I think I threw my back out...but you know what..I agree with her..it felt pretty darn good...sunshine..cool grass...fresh dirt...what more could you want?? I had picked up the dog poop for the day!
God's earth is good..sometimes we forget that...he gives us a gift every day of sunshine, moon light, the smell after a rain, a flower bud, warm weather, puppies and the earth. With it comes responsibilities..it is easy to forget the lesson in Genesis...we have dominion over it all...and he is holding us accountable for how we use it.
Today I challenge you to get close to it...go outside..take off your shoes, wiggle your toes in the grass...if you are brave lay down on your back and wiggle like a dog you will be surprised how good you will feel!!
God bless.
be still and know I am God
It is absolutely beautiful here today...sunshine and warm...I was home sick yesterday...I have the crud...today is a new day...so I am cleaning out gardens and my garage. That is my goal for today.
As I am cutting back butterfly bushes and coughing and hacking I am finding little sprouts of new life.
Awesome....that groundhog was right I think...spring is on the way.
New beginnings...I've had some epiphany's the past few days as I laid in bed and had a movie marathon coughing and hacking...I have decided I need a new job...financially times are tough, I want to leave here soon and it is time to take control. I have been cruising along long enough...I need to start building...building money, building knowledge and building my self esteem...i always like a plan, I like to take charge, to take control. I remember telling Aslam that when he asked me to take on children's ministry at the church and he told me...maybe that was why God was calling me...I needed to learn patience and giving up control. Wow was he every right...but do I ever learn...NOOOO.
I talked to Lora this morning and she told me not to jump when I am angry but to be still and listen. I told you she always sends me scripture...Today is was Psalms 37:7-9. It talks about "be still and listen to the Lord...stop being angry...turn from your rage...the wicked is destroyed and those that trust the Lord will carry on".
Why is it so hard to trust the Lord? I think it is because to me...he is slow...I want it NOW...i want things to happen right NOW! I am not patient. I told you I like control... Maybe that is what the Lord is teaching me...to be patient...I've told you through all of this he has said " Trust me...let me do my work." Why is that so hard to do...maybe it's the weather the last few days...I don't want to trust, I don't want to stay still, I want to move...
OK...so I will just use all of this energy and clean...gardens, garages, bedrooms, toys...all the while being still and knowing he or she is God.
As I am cutting back butterfly bushes and coughing and hacking I am finding little sprouts of new life.
Awesome....that groundhog was right I think...spring is on the way.
New beginnings...I've had some epiphany's the past few days as I laid in bed and had a movie marathon coughing and hacking...I have decided I need a new job...financially times are tough, I want to leave here soon and it is time to take control. I have been cruising along long enough...I need to start building...building money, building knowledge and building my self esteem...i always like a plan, I like to take charge, to take control. I remember telling Aslam that when he asked me to take on children's ministry at the church and he told me...maybe that was why God was calling me...I needed to learn patience and giving up control. Wow was he every right...but do I ever learn...NOOOO.
I talked to Lora this morning and she told me not to jump when I am angry but to be still and listen. I told you she always sends me scripture...Today is was Psalms 37:7-9. It talks about "be still and listen to the Lord...stop being angry...turn from your rage...the wicked is destroyed and those that trust the Lord will carry on".
Why is it so hard to trust the Lord? I think it is because to me...he is slow...I want it NOW...i want things to happen right NOW! I am not patient. I told you I like control... Maybe that is what the Lord is teaching me...to be patient...I've told you through all of this he has said " Trust me...let me do my work." Why is that so hard to do...maybe it's the weather the last few days...I don't want to trust, I don't want to stay still, I want to move...
OK...so I will just use all of this energy and clean...gardens, garages, bedrooms, toys...all the while being still and knowing he or she is God.
Friday, February 18, 2011
baby steps
Since about five months after the divorce I put myself on a budget. Really fast I found out I spend lots of money on clothes (I am a clothes horse!), going out (entertainment) and food. My friend geocaching Robin turned me on to Dave Ramsey and The Extreme Money Makeover. I know I have always had a love- hate relationship with money. Money was one of the MAIN issues in my marriage because Mark was so in love with money. After I also realized I paid all of the bills...I never saw a paycheck of his and he probably has a fortune in an off-shore account. I have never let money control me...If I have any, it is yours! I never worried about money...but I do now. I have just started this journey but will keep you posted as it goes along...my first step is to save $1000 dollars to put aside for emergencies...ONLY emergencies...I will let you know when I do this!
friends
"I get by with a little help from my friends."
- John Lennon
This year I got by with a lot of help from my friends. This past year friendships have been formed that will last a lifetime. God has blessed me with friends, good friends. They are all different and all the same in the fact they support and love me. To my friends the feeling is mutual.
Lora: Lora was one of the first to find out. We sat on a picnic table at a park and she let me cry my eyes out. She held me and told me what to expect. But it is what followed during the months of fear and shame. She sent me scripture whenever she thought of me. Always texted me at a time when I needed it...God moments...and the scripture was always on target. It was what I needed to hear God saying. What is so funny, we would have probably never been good friends if not for this. I knew her from a mission trip with the kids but that was it...God brought her to me...she had been through a similar situation when she had to rely on God. She gave me strength. She also gave me a statue of a person within the hand of God (someone gave it to her during a difficult time in her life) and it took center stage in my bedroom. I held it often. Recently I returned the favor and gave it back to her as she struggled with her husband's health. We've agreed we will pass it as needed. I think our friendship has also had an affect on our youth. They see our way with each other, they see our support of each other. They see what friendship is about. She is a forever friend.
Angie and Lynette: They go hand in hand. I called them and asked them to meet me at Tim Horton's right before I was due to go back to the youth group and told them all that had happened. They knew both Mark and me, through their kids and the youth group. They listened, asked questions and became rocks for me. I remember so plainly the first time we went out together and the lump that was in my stomach and sitting eating lunch all the while thinking I was going to puke at any minute. They have walked this road with me...we get together every Monday night at Tim Horton's for "therapy". We talk about EVERYTHING. They know it all. They too will be my friends forever.
Mona: Mona works with me and she is the person who knows how to find out everything. She is amazing and I don't know how she does it. She is great because Mona can build you up when you are feeling like the scum of the earth. She would look at me and say "Pick that chin up" "Stand up and be proud" She would make me take pictures for Facebook. She would say "look at you"...If there was a cheerleader through this it was Mona....thank you so much.
Leslie F: If I would ask her I know Leslie would kick his a$$ in a minute. She would put a hit on him if I asked. You need that kind of friend....the one that calls him every name in the book right along with you. Leslie is also the one who read a tarot card and told me someone was having an affair. We cried together when it came true.
What is so funny... all of these ladies are as different as they come...different personalities, different backgrounds, different ideas but they are all really good Christians. Not only did they build me up I know they prayed for me constantly.
Lastly is my church family....when we moved to Winfield five years ago I remember telling Mark I would never leave my church. So even though I travel far to church they are my family. That is where I go to be filled with the love of God. That is where I go to feel strength. I get hugs from the ladies of the church. I've been given words of wisdom. I've been invited for dinners. I've been loved. Not only the ladies but the youth have surrounded me with love. We have definitely become closer because of this ordeal we all went through together.
I would have never been close to any of these people without the suffering I went through. Didn't I mention that God takes our suffering and turns it into beauty, kindness and something good? Yes he has.
Thank you my dear friends.
- John Lennon
This year I got by with a lot of help from my friends. This past year friendships have been formed that will last a lifetime. God has blessed me with friends, good friends. They are all different and all the same in the fact they support and love me. To my friends the feeling is mutual.
Lora: Lora was one of the first to find out. We sat on a picnic table at a park and she let me cry my eyes out. She held me and told me what to expect. But it is what followed during the months of fear and shame. She sent me scripture whenever she thought of me. Always texted me at a time when I needed it...God moments...and the scripture was always on target. It was what I needed to hear God saying. What is so funny, we would have probably never been good friends if not for this. I knew her from a mission trip with the kids but that was it...God brought her to me...she had been through a similar situation when she had to rely on God. She gave me strength. She also gave me a statue of a person within the hand of God (someone gave it to her during a difficult time in her life) and it took center stage in my bedroom. I held it often. Recently I returned the favor and gave it back to her as she struggled with her husband's health. We've agreed we will pass it as needed. I think our friendship has also had an affect on our youth. They see our way with each other, they see our support of each other. They see what friendship is about. She is a forever friend.
Angie and Lynette: They go hand in hand. I called them and asked them to meet me at Tim Horton's right before I was due to go back to the youth group and told them all that had happened. They knew both Mark and me, through their kids and the youth group. They listened, asked questions and became rocks for me. I remember so plainly the first time we went out together and the lump that was in my stomach and sitting eating lunch all the while thinking I was going to puke at any minute. They have walked this road with me...we get together every Monday night at Tim Horton's for "therapy". We talk about EVERYTHING. They know it all. They too will be my friends forever.
Mona: Mona works with me and she is the person who knows how to find out everything. She is amazing and I don't know how she does it. She is great because Mona can build you up when you are feeling like the scum of the earth. She would look at me and say "Pick that chin up" "Stand up and be proud" She would make me take pictures for Facebook. She would say "look at you"...If there was a cheerleader through this it was Mona....thank you so much.
Leslie F: If I would ask her I know Leslie would kick his a$$ in a minute. She would put a hit on him if I asked. You need that kind of friend....the one that calls him every name in the book right along with you. Leslie is also the one who read a tarot card and told me someone was having an affair. We cried together when it came true.
What is so funny... all of these ladies are as different as they come...different personalities, different backgrounds, different ideas but they are all really good Christians. Not only did they build me up I know they prayed for me constantly.
Lastly is my church family....when we moved to Winfield five years ago I remember telling Mark I would never leave my church. So even though I travel far to church they are my family. That is where I go to be filled with the love of God. That is where I go to feel strength. I get hugs from the ladies of the church. I've been given words of wisdom. I've been invited for dinners. I've been loved. Not only the ladies but the youth have surrounded me with love. We have definitely become closer because of this ordeal we all went through together.
I would have never been close to any of these people without the suffering I went through. Didn't I mention that God takes our suffering and turns it into beauty, kindness and something good? Yes he has.
Thank you my dear friends.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
God grieves with us
I turned on my television this morning and Joyce Meyer was on...I love her...she is so blunt and down to earth...and you can understand and relate to her message.
This morning it was forgiveness. How appropriate after yesterday's tirade..She talked about Joseph who was sold into slavery by his brothers who eventually came to him for their survival. After this he lived for 110 years...After tragedy he had a long and prosperous life. This story proves there is life after tragedy...there are many stories in the bible, Job, Jacob where tragedy leads to a long and prosperous life. She said this morning God will use the evil that happens to us to help us grow and develop in him. Wow... I know in my heart I have grown...I know I've grown closer to God. Something else I read this week confirms this by saying, We lose closeness to God when there is no sorrow in our life. I do know during this tragedy I feel like I know God inside and out and he knows me the same way. When the suffering ends will we still be this close?
Every day I have Mark and Kathy and their families on my prayer list and I grudgingly pray for them to find peace. I think grudgingly is the key word here. Joyce this morning says pray about the stuff you don't want to pray about. If you don't want to pray about it...you need to...Maybe I better take those grudge prayers and make them true prayers.
Hating is hard work. It takes a lot of our energy. I know that and most days are good, most days I am happy and realize this is a good thing and I look forward to my future and all it will bring...but sometimes the hatred just comes...out of the blue and for no reason....and I am drained following...when you give the devil a foothold he grabs on, doesn't he.
I think about God grieving with me...he doesn't want bad things to happen to us but when they do he is with us and he grieves, too. He grieved for the lose of those two marriages and the covenant of both said in his presence. He grieves for the four grown children that were affected and their families...he grieves for the three small grandchildren that know something is wrong and their security and life has changed. God accepts the grief and joins us in it. But this is the good thing...he also transforms that grief and from it comes peace, kindness and something beautiful...I am looking forward to that time but for now I will find peace in knowing God is grieving with me.
This morning it was forgiveness. How appropriate after yesterday's tirade..She talked about Joseph who was sold into slavery by his brothers who eventually came to him for their survival. After this he lived for 110 years...After tragedy he had a long and prosperous life. This story proves there is life after tragedy...there are many stories in the bible, Job, Jacob where tragedy leads to a long and prosperous life. She said this morning God will use the evil that happens to us to help us grow and develop in him. Wow... I know in my heart I have grown...I know I've grown closer to God. Something else I read this week confirms this by saying, We lose closeness to God when there is no sorrow in our life. I do know during this tragedy I feel like I know God inside and out and he knows me the same way. When the suffering ends will we still be this close?
Every day I have Mark and Kathy and their families on my prayer list and I grudgingly pray for them to find peace. I think grudgingly is the key word here. Joyce this morning says pray about the stuff you don't want to pray about. If you don't want to pray about it...you need to...Maybe I better take those grudge prayers and make them true prayers.
Hating is hard work. It takes a lot of our energy. I know that and most days are good, most days I am happy and realize this is a good thing and I look forward to my future and all it will bring...but sometimes the hatred just comes...out of the blue and for no reason....and I am drained following...when you give the devil a foothold he grabs on, doesn't he.
I think about God grieving with me...he doesn't want bad things to happen to us but when they do he is with us and he grieves, too. He grieved for the lose of those two marriages and the covenant of both said in his presence. He grieves for the four grown children that were affected and their families...he grieves for the three small grandchildren that know something is wrong and their security and life has changed. God accepts the grief and joins us in it. But this is the good thing...he also transforms that grief and from it comes peace, kindness and something beautiful...I am looking forward to that time but for now I will find peace in knowing God is grieving with me.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Revenge is Mine says the Lord
Throughout this past year I must confess I have thought of all of the ways to extract revenge on Mark McHenry. In the beginning I also must admit I did some pretty bad things. I said bad things, I called him really bad names and his girlfriend worse names. I said horrible things to him in retaliation for the hurt he caused me and my family. One of the most awful things I did was contact her husband. In my defense I was told by my husband he already knew...another lie...he didn't have a clue. So two marriages were destroyed and families were harmed at the selfishness of two people.
I called names, I cleaned my toilet with his toothbrush, I turned off his cell phone and then I asked my Lord for forgiveness. Daily I ask the Lord to forgive my thoughts. Some days are worse than others. I would get pleasure from going online and reading blogs of ladies that did really horrible things...like writing on cars with spray paint, etc. and wished I had the guts to do such a thing. I don't and I finally realized all of the revenge and wrath only hurt one person and that was me. By this time he could care less. I still think back to before I knew about the affair and think of the hurtful things he said about my weight, my smell, my need for perfume, my not being clean enough, I was NEVER good enough...I was made to feel inferior. That is one of the hidden things of divorce...you lose all self esteem. I had a great job, a second job at church, I was well respected at both and loved by many but that didn't matter...one person...could make me feel so inferior and dirty with his words and actions.
There is scripture that I find pleasure in...instead of me looking for revenge...
Romans 12:19 says "Revenge is mine, says the Lord, I will repay"....I can't imagine the revenge the Lord can take...I don't want anyone I know or care about to EVER feel the revenge of the Lord because it will be unimaginable...When I am having revengeful days I think about that scripture and smile to myself. I know that is evil but for a minute it feels good. Then I feel bad...I also repeat things like "you reap what you sow" and know one day it will all come back to bite him on the butt and look forward to witnessing that day. I also know this is not very Christian-like.
I also know my Lord. I know he is a forgiving and loving Lord and will forgive anything if we just ask. Mark was my best friend and in the blink of an eye he went from my friend and lover to my enemy. How is that possible? I ask God that all the time...how does that happen?
I know God will forgive him if he will just ask and I hope he has asked for forgiveness. I know it doesn't sound like it but I forgave him a long time ago but there are days when I ask for revenge.
It is hard to be a Christian all the time and as you can tell I am still working on a lot of things. I love my Lord and ask his forgiveness and ask Mark for forgiveness too for my actions. My heart feels good at these times. Then there are days when i repeat "revenge is mine, says the Lord, I will repay."
I called names, I cleaned my toilet with his toothbrush, I turned off his cell phone and then I asked my Lord for forgiveness. Daily I ask the Lord to forgive my thoughts. Some days are worse than others. I would get pleasure from going online and reading blogs of ladies that did really horrible things...like writing on cars with spray paint, etc. and wished I had the guts to do such a thing. I don't and I finally realized all of the revenge and wrath only hurt one person and that was me. By this time he could care less. I still think back to before I knew about the affair and think of the hurtful things he said about my weight, my smell, my need for perfume, my not being clean enough, I was NEVER good enough...I was made to feel inferior. That is one of the hidden things of divorce...you lose all self esteem. I had a great job, a second job at church, I was well respected at both and loved by many but that didn't matter...one person...could make me feel so inferior and dirty with his words and actions.
There is scripture that I find pleasure in...instead of me looking for revenge...
Romans 12:19 says "Revenge is mine, says the Lord, I will repay"....I can't imagine the revenge the Lord can take...I don't want anyone I know or care about to EVER feel the revenge of the Lord because it will be unimaginable...When I am having revengeful days I think about that scripture and smile to myself. I know that is evil but for a minute it feels good. Then I feel bad...I also repeat things like "you reap what you sow" and know one day it will all come back to bite him on the butt and look forward to witnessing that day. I also know this is not very Christian-like.
I also know my Lord. I know he is a forgiving and loving Lord and will forgive anything if we just ask. Mark was my best friend and in the blink of an eye he went from my friend and lover to my enemy. How is that possible? I ask God that all the time...how does that happen?
I know God will forgive him if he will just ask and I hope he has asked for forgiveness. I know it doesn't sound like it but I forgave him a long time ago but there are days when I ask for revenge.
It is hard to be a Christian all the time and as you can tell I am still working on a lot of things. I love my Lord and ask his forgiveness and ask Mark for forgiveness too for my actions. My heart feels good at these times. Then there are days when i repeat "revenge is mine, says the Lord, I will repay."
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
525,600 minutes
This is a song from the Broadway musical "Rent". One of my all time favorites. Zack sang this song at his Christmas program this year. He and I had major discussions about how do you measure a year. All that happens in the course of a year.
One year ago today I went to court and in the stroke of a pen my 32 year marriage was over. Mark didn't even show up. That told me what I meant to him. My son Nick went with me.
So 525,600 minutes...how do you measure, measure a year?
In day light
In moon light
In nights when there is no sleep
At the beach
In the mountains
with family
with friends
on road trips with mom
on the other coast with family
in sunsets on my back porch with a glass of wine
in quiet
in lots of kid laughter!
in watching stars on my back porch
in searching for constellations
in hugging puppies
in crying in fur
in puppy kisses
in youth mission trips
in youth overnights and long talks
riding bikes with the kids
riding a roller coaster of emotions
in early morning cups of tea
in sleepovers
in sleigh riding off the roof
in hot cocoa on cold days
in baby steps taken and in major miles jumped
in many tears..........many tears and more tears
many cursing tirades
in hatred
in bitterness
in betrayal
in learning truths
in burning bridges
in faith
in church
in friends
in acquaintances
in work family
in new family additions
in baby smells and coos
in family long talks
in Jennifer wine nights
in new holiday traditions
in the power of prayer
in dreams and wishes
in comfort
in making my home mine
in dirt poor and paydays!
in lost hope and found hope
in God found and God walks
in the dark face of fear
in meeting God face to face
in strength and maturity
in maturity of boys into men
in ocean breezes
in art and creating
in a sense of who I am
in realizing my potential
in the sneak peak of a new life
in dreams
in new hopes
The song is called "Seasons of Love" and this past year has been a season of love for me. I have found it in so many places and in so many ways and I know and praise God that he is in the midst of it all. I see his signature on all of it and feel him present. I am blessed beyond all belief and am humbled by that thought. I wish for each of you a "Season of Love"
Amen and Amen
One year ago today I went to court and in the stroke of a pen my 32 year marriage was over. Mark didn't even show up. That told me what I meant to him. My son Nick went with me.
So 525,600 minutes...how do you measure, measure a year?
In day light
In moon light
In nights when there is no sleep
At the beach
In the mountains
with family
with friends
on road trips with mom
on the other coast with family
in sunsets on my back porch with a glass of wine
in quiet
in lots of kid laughter!
in watching stars on my back porch
in searching for constellations
in hugging puppies
in crying in fur
in puppy kisses
in youth mission trips
in youth overnights and long talks
riding bikes with the kids
riding a roller coaster of emotions
in early morning cups of tea
in sleepovers
in sleigh riding off the roof
in hot cocoa on cold days
in baby steps taken and in major miles jumped
in many tears..........many tears and more tears
many cursing tirades
in hatred
in bitterness
in betrayal
in learning truths
in burning bridges
in faith
in church
in friends
in acquaintances
in work family
in new family additions
in baby smells and coos
in family long talks
in Jennifer wine nights
in new holiday traditions
in the power of prayer
in dreams and wishes
in comfort
in making my home mine
in dirt poor and paydays!
in lost hope and found hope
in God found and God walks
in the dark face of fear
in meeting God face to face
in strength and maturity
in maturity of boys into men
in ocean breezes
in art and creating
in a sense of who I am
in realizing my potential
in the sneak peak of a new life
in dreams
in new hopes
The song is called "Seasons of Love" and this past year has been a season of love for me. I have found it in so many places and in so many ways and I know and praise God that he is in the midst of it all. I see his signature on all of it and feel him present. I am blessed beyond all belief and am humbled by that thought. I wish for each of you a "Season of Love"
Amen and Amen
Monday, February 14, 2011
love is in the air
Happy Valentine's Day!
I thought today I would talk about unconditional love....no it isn't God or any person...it's my dogs.
As I've told you...I love my puppies.
I have a total of five dogs.
Vena...German shepherd...is the matriarch of the crew. She is 11 years old and feeling her age. Her hips give out on her. She protects us all. She trains all of the younger ones with a nip and a growl. She likes her own space sometimes. How she came to us is a story. I stole her...not really, she was the pet of a drug house nearby. The entire neighborhood would feed her, walk her and give her water. They left at Easter one year and left her on a small lead. I went and got her and never gave her back. I did leave a note. She became mine.
Sissie...is the one everyone wants to take home with them. She is soooo laid back...nothing phases her. All the other dogs know that and tend to pick on her. She is a lab/chow mix.
Can you see I have always had all girls...
Binky...is called that because the first thing she ate was a Binky of Taylor's. She is a spaniel mix and very hyper. That dog is outside more than she is in. She will come and get you to let her out...24/7...As nasty as she can be and she can be nasty...she is also the peace maker among the dogs...if they get too rowdy she sticks herself in the middle and barks until things calm down. She also plants herself in the bathroom with me every morning when I take my bath. She is the one that would rip your face off if you messed with me.
Freckles...has freckles...she came to us as a foster that we never gave back...Mark used to make her sing and she is the one that probably misses him the most. Because of that I try to give her some extra attention. She has issues...she gets in the trash cans and eats things she shouldn't...I don't get it!
Lil' Guy...is the only boy in the house...he is,I don't know how to describe him...he is a mix of a lot of things...
He came into my yard last Feb...when my life was in tatters and made me get out of bed and laugh. He was some one's dog and I swore he wasn't staying. I put up fliers all around Winfield...no luck...he is here to stay. The dog whisperer would probably say he is too alpha...but he is the one that spoons with me every night and demands my attention....God puts people or dogs in your way when you need them...he is a trip...my son hates him and calls the dog his arch Nemesis...His kids LOVE the dog. Lil' Guy is a kid's dream come true...he chases tennis balls all day long and will not stop. He loves to chase the kids through the house...they play hide and seek...he bites but has a smashed in face and teeth that stick out and I think he just can't see what he is taking...what a dog! I'm glad he came to me.
I think all of these dogs are a lot like me. They are protective, laid back and picked on, nasty and peace makers, miss Mark, demand attention, too alpha and just a little crazy. They love me...no matter what...when I walk in the door at night they are so excited to see me...it also means food for them...
they go from room to room and follow me around...just imagine...as I clean the house here is this little parade behind me. Saturdays are all for them...we are outside more than inside and enjoy being together.
They, like my friends, have kept me going this past year. But the difference is they were there late at night when no one else was....they licked my face when I was on my knees praying...that's when I knew God was listening...they are his right hand...showing me what unconditional love is like...there are times I get fed up with them and threaten them with the shelter and they sit and wag their tails...goobers! Just like God's love we get it no matter who we are or what we've done. Mark's girlfriend Kathy sent him a video that says "I look up and I see God, I look down and see my dog." http://god-dog-love.com/ Enjoy it, I did before I realized where it came from (there is probably a lesson there somewhere but I am just not ready to figure it out.)...There is a reason Dog is God spelled backwards...
Thank you God for the love of five good dogs. Happy Valentine's Day my pups!
I thought today I would talk about unconditional love....no it isn't God or any person...it's my dogs.
As I've told you...I love my puppies.
I have a total of five dogs.
Vena...German shepherd...is the matriarch of the crew. She is 11 years old and feeling her age. Her hips give out on her. She protects us all. She trains all of the younger ones with a nip and a growl. She likes her own space sometimes. How she came to us is a story. I stole her...not really, she was the pet of a drug house nearby. The entire neighborhood would feed her, walk her and give her water. They left at Easter one year and left her on a small lead. I went and got her and never gave her back. I did leave a note. She became mine.
Sissie...is the one everyone wants to take home with them. She is soooo laid back...nothing phases her. All the other dogs know that and tend to pick on her. She is a lab/chow mix.
Can you see I have always had all girls...
Binky...is called that because the first thing she ate was a Binky of Taylor's. She is a spaniel mix and very hyper. That dog is outside more than she is in. She will come and get you to let her out...24/7...As nasty as she can be and she can be nasty...she is also the peace maker among the dogs...if they get too rowdy she sticks herself in the middle and barks until things calm down. She also plants herself in the bathroom with me every morning when I take my bath. She is the one that would rip your face off if you messed with me.
Freckles...has freckles...she came to us as a foster that we never gave back...Mark used to make her sing and she is the one that probably misses him the most. Because of that I try to give her some extra attention. She has issues...she gets in the trash cans and eats things she shouldn't...I don't get it!
Lil' Guy...is the only boy in the house...he is,I don't know how to describe him...he is a mix of a lot of things...
He came into my yard last Feb...when my life was in tatters and made me get out of bed and laugh. He was some one's dog and I swore he wasn't staying. I put up fliers all around Winfield...no luck...he is here to stay. The dog whisperer would probably say he is too alpha...but he is the one that spoons with me every night and demands my attention....God puts people or dogs in your way when you need them...he is a trip...my son hates him and calls the dog his arch Nemesis...His kids LOVE the dog. Lil' Guy is a kid's dream come true...he chases tennis balls all day long and will not stop. He loves to chase the kids through the house...they play hide and seek...he bites but has a smashed in face and teeth that stick out and I think he just can't see what he is taking...what a dog! I'm glad he came to me.
I think all of these dogs are a lot like me. They are protective, laid back and picked on, nasty and peace makers, miss Mark, demand attention, too alpha and just a little crazy. They love me...no matter what...when I walk in the door at night they are so excited to see me...it also means food for them...
they go from room to room and follow me around...just imagine...as I clean the house here is this little parade behind me. Saturdays are all for them...we are outside more than inside and enjoy being together.
They, like my friends, have kept me going this past year. But the difference is they were there late at night when no one else was....they licked my face when I was on my knees praying...that's when I knew God was listening...they are his right hand...showing me what unconditional love is like...there are times I get fed up with them and threaten them with the shelter and they sit and wag their tails...goobers! Just like God's love we get it no matter who we are or what we've done. Mark's girlfriend Kathy sent him a video that says "I look up and I see God, I look down and see my dog." http://god-dog-love.com/ Enjoy it, I did before I realized where it came from (there is probably a lesson there somewhere but I am just not ready to figure it out.)...There is a reason Dog is God spelled backwards...
Thank you God for the love of five good dogs. Happy Valentine's Day my pups!
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Tears of love
I was reading this morning and came across a line from Psalms 56:8. It says that God keeps our tears on his scrolls. Can you imagine how long that scroll must be? I think of mine just from this past year. It is looooong!
It amazes me at how well God knows me. He knew me in the womb. He knew me when I was being knitted together. He knew this would happen to me. He knows when I will take my last breath. He knows ME. Better than any man, he knows what I like, what I don't like and what I am like. He knows my heart.
As we head into Valentines Day, I think about the love I have from those that know me as well as God....my boys...have loved me unconditionally this past year. In the past they would tease me unmercifully and a little meanly...but this past year there has been nothing but love. Hugs at unexpected times and love notes just because...calls that say "just thinking of you"...texts that say "hey"
I have watched them find love for each other. They have always loved each other but there has always been a bit of sibling rivalry...ok a lot...it is amazing how both boys think I love the other more! Through this ordeal they have found their man relationship with each other. I know they talk privately about their dad...about his girlfriend...they keep things from me...they talk it over sometimes before they tell me things he's done...they double team me...they are maturing with each other and I seldom here about liking the other more.
My daughter-in-laws. I had a wonderful mother-in-law...she taught me how to be a mother-in-law. She died not knowing what her son had done...at his choice. She would have kicked his a$$. She was sometimes my number one supporter and always built me up. I have a great example to follow. These two girls are really like daughters to me. Jennifer came to us shy and young and I have watched her blossom into this amazing woman. We have "wine nights" together. We talk and discuss. I value her opinion which she will give freely. She loves to cook and read. Sarah, has been with me a short time but I was there to help her birth this new baby. I held a puke bag, and watched my granddaughter's birth. I agreed to cut the umbilical chord when we thought Justin would pass out. She had that much confidence in me. We are forever bound by that event.
My grandkids...I could go on forever about them as only a good grandma can. Zack, who wears his heart on his sleeve. His constant talk. His love of sports. Watching him grow up. He is now 9...I remember the day he was born. Taylor who is such a spitfire. Nothing gets to her. She is fearless. She can do anything. She is mini-me. Lilah who's personality is just now forming already has my "sausage legs" as her daddy calls them and the McHenry mouth. Even though she does not know she has a pappy Mark she carries a trait of his.
I wonder sometimes if Mark realizes all he is missing, all he has given up, the love of these boys. Who will teach them to be good men? Just this experience itself has taught them to be better men. Watching how two families have been completely torn apart they have reacted by saying...I will never hurt someone like this...ever... They talk about selfishness. They look at themselves and their own actions...and gauge them against this life changing event.
I laugh as my life is now measured by BA (before the affair) and AA (after the affair).
For Christmas Jennifer gave me a calendar she had put together of our past year. As I looked at it I realized what a wonderful year we've had. It put the year into perspective. Family events and get togethers. We have changed. Our family has re-adjusted and it is a new unit. We have found our way through this to make this new family. Dynamics have changed. Sometimes those tears come out of the blue when I think of all that is lost and God collects them in his scroll but he has also blessed me with the love that balances those tears.
God is good all the time. Happy Valentine's Day...Happy Love Day.
It amazes me at how well God knows me. He knew me in the womb. He knew me when I was being knitted together. He knew this would happen to me. He knows when I will take my last breath. He knows ME. Better than any man, he knows what I like, what I don't like and what I am like. He knows my heart.
As we head into Valentines Day, I think about the love I have from those that know me as well as God....my boys...have loved me unconditionally this past year. In the past they would tease me unmercifully and a little meanly...but this past year there has been nothing but love. Hugs at unexpected times and love notes just because...calls that say "just thinking of you"...texts that say "hey"
I have watched them find love for each other. They have always loved each other but there has always been a bit of sibling rivalry...ok a lot...it is amazing how both boys think I love the other more! Through this ordeal they have found their man relationship with each other. I know they talk privately about their dad...about his girlfriend...they keep things from me...they talk it over sometimes before they tell me things he's done...they double team me...they are maturing with each other and I seldom here about liking the other more.
My daughter-in-laws. I had a wonderful mother-in-law...she taught me how to be a mother-in-law. She died not knowing what her son had done...at his choice. She would have kicked his a$$. She was sometimes my number one supporter and always built me up. I have a great example to follow. These two girls are really like daughters to me. Jennifer came to us shy and young and I have watched her blossom into this amazing woman. We have "wine nights" together. We talk and discuss. I value her opinion which she will give freely. She loves to cook and read. Sarah, has been with me a short time but I was there to help her birth this new baby. I held a puke bag, and watched my granddaughter's birth. I agreed to cut the umbilical chord when we thought Justin would pass out. She had that much confidence in me. We are forever bound by that event.
My grandkids...I could go on forever about them as only a good grandma can. Zack, who wears his heart on his sleeve. His constant talk. His love of sports. Watching him grow up. He is now 9...I remember the day he was born. Taylor who is such a spitfire. Nothing gets to her. She is fearless. She can do anything. She is mini-me. Lilah who's personality is just now forming already has my "sausage legs" as her daddy calls them and the McHenry mouth. Even though she does not know she has a pappy Mark she carries a trait of his.
I wonder sometimes if Mark realizes all he is missing, all he has given up, the love of these boys. Who will teach them to be good men? Just this experience itself has taught them to be better men. Watching how two families have been completely torn apart they have reacted by saying...I will never hurt someone like this...ever... They talk about selfishness. They look at themselves and their own actions...and gauge them against this life changing event.
I laugh as my life is now measured by BA (before the affair) and AA (after the affair).
For Christmas Jennifer gave me a calendar she had put together of our past year. As I looked at it I realized what a wonderful year we've had. It put the year into perspective. Family events and get togethers. We have changed. Our family has re-adjusted and it is a new unit. We have found our way through this to make this new family. Dynamics have changed. Sometimes those tears come out of the blue when I think of all that is lost and God collects them in his scroll but he has also blessed me with the love that balances those tears.
God is good all the time. Happy Valentine's Day...Happy Love Day.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
victim no more
I am soooooo lazy today...I went and walked this morning but just can NOT get moving...
Today I thought I would talk about being a victim...you know as you go through a divorce you want folks to feel sorry for you. I am the one that was done wrong. I am the only one hurting. I have been betrayed. When folks find out about it they fawn over you....poor lil Kim....and for awhile it feels pretty good and sort of feeds into the ego...but then there comes a time when you get mad and you are really tired of being the victim.
I remember saying to my counselor Tom, "I am tired of being the victim" and his response was....
"about time, now what are you going to do with the rest of your life"...wow...I had to plan ahead and think ahead. I had to think past this life changing event and think into the future. What did I want to do. It had been a LOOOOONG time since I had set goals for myself. He made me make a list and do one thing from that list. I picked stained glass...that's another story!
Have you asked yourself that question lately? What do you want to do with the rest of your life. I have always known God had a plan for me. I used to laugh and say if I had listened to God all along it would have taken me less time to get to his plan...but I eventually ended up there. So not only did I have to think what I wanted for myself (and only myself...this is the one time it is OK to be selfish) I had to ask what God wanted from me, too.
Remember those voices...every time I would ask God..."What do you want from me?"...he would say "You'll know"...I don't know what it is yet....but I am still listening...I know what I want for myself...something to do with book stores, out west, artsy fartsy town, and family. Is that God's plan? I will know....when it does or doesn't happen but right now I like the feel of dreaming, setting goals and planning. It makes me feel alive.
Goals for myself this year...continue getting in shape, exercise more, take more risks!, go rappelling, learn to kayak and enjoy myself! All the while listening...for that tiny voice..."You'll know" God you do have a sense of humor don't you!!!
Today I thought I would talk about being a victim...you know as you go through a divorce you want folks to feel sorry for you. I am the one that was done wrong. I am the only one hurting. I have been betrayed. When folks find out about it they fawn over you....poor lil Kim....and for awhile it feels pretty good and sort of feeds into the ego...but then there comes a time when you get mad and you are really tired of being the victim.
I remember saying to my counselor Tom, "I am tired of being the victim" and his response was....
"about time, now what are you going to do with the rest of your life"...wow...I had to plan ahead and think ahead. I had to think past this life changing event and think into the future. What did I want to do. It had been a LOOOOONG time since I had set goals for myself. He made me make a list and do one thing from that list. I picked stained glass...that's another story!
Have you asked yourself that question lately? What do you want to do with the rest of your life. I have always known God had a plan for me. I used to laugh and say if I had listened to God all along it would have taken me less time to get to his plan...but I eventually ended up there. So not only did I have to think what I wanted for myself (and only myself...this is the one time it is OK to be selfish) I had to ask what God wanted from me, too.
Remember those voices...every time I would ask God..."What do you want from me?"...he would say "You'll know"...I don't know what it is yet....but I am still listening...I know what I want for myself...something to do with book stores, out west, artsy fartsy town, and family. Is that God's plan? I will know....when it does or doesn't happen but right now I like the feel of dreaming, setting goals and planning. It makes me feel alive.
Goals for myself this year...continue getting in shape, exercise more, take more risks!, go rappelling, learn to kayak and enjoy myself! All the while listening...for that tiny voice..."You'll know" God you do have a sense of humor don't you!!!
Friday, February 11, 2011
my church kids
I apologize for my ranting yesterday...I was home and sick is my only excuse.
My grand kids call them my "church kids". They'll say things like "Were you with your church kids?"
My church kids range in age from 12 and beyond. (even those in college remain church kids) Other than walking into church following my husband's announcement the other hardest thing I had to do was tell my "church kids".
Mark and I were a couple to them. We went together. For those older kids they were as close to him as they were to me. I knew it would be like going through a divorce of a parent and I needed to handle it in the same manner. Greg told me it could and should be a "teachable moment" as he helped prepare me for this announcement.
If you know teenagers at all you know they are never quiet. After a Sunday School lesson I sat them down and told them Mark and I had separated. I didn't tell them why. I told them he loved them just like I did. I asked them for prayer not only for me but for Mark, too. The room was dead silent. No one spoke. I asked them if there was anything they wanted to know. They asked if that was why I took off for a few months. We prayed together. They walked out of the room in silence. Two boys stayed back and hugged me. I have tried to be completely honest with them through this struggle, answering every question.
I don't know how teenagers can be your strength but they became exactly that. I was the children's director for five years before I became the youth director. Most of these kids I knew from the time they were babies. During this time they loved me. ..no questions asked. One Sunday I lost it ...t totally and positively LOST IT...I went to my office quickly and didn't just cry, I sobbed...and Emilee happened to walk into the midst of it...she held me and cried with me and became my strength. How can you ever repay that? How can you ever say thanks for that?
I think God gave me the gift of these young people as children and then he knew I would need them when they were older and he gave them to me as teens. They have given hugs, sent texts and brought me lots of laughter and tears. They have seen the power of prayer. They have seen strength and love come from hurt and hate. They have watched the power of friendship between Lora and I. They have witnessed how friends support each other. The entire ordeal has been a lesson to them.
During the Super Bowl we were all watching together at church...sitting in front of me on bean bags were two of my older kids with my two grand kids. My grandson Zack adores these guys (they are wonderful role models for him and don't even realize it.). At one point I looked down and watched Lee reach over give him a head rub and hug. Out of the blue and for no reason. Now a few hours earlier he had been hitting Zack with the bean bad they were sitting on but now there was that brotherly love. As you can see not only I have been blessed but my family has been blessed, too.
The power of love. The song goes..."As long as I know how to love I know I will survive.." Love has come to me in many ways and my "church kids" is one of those special ways. I love you guys. Thank you God for this blessing. Once again you were there in the preparation for this hurt...you knew prior to the hurt what I was going to need and you laid the ground work. You are an awesome God.
I
My grand kids call them my "church kids". They'll say things like "Were you with your church kids?"
My church kids range in age from 12 and beyond. (even those in college remain church kids) Other than walking into church following my husband's announcement the other hardest thing I had to do was tell my "church kids".
Mark and I were a couple to them. We went together. For those older kids they were as close to him as they were to me. I knew it would be like going through a divorce of a parent and I needed to handle it in the same manner. Greg told me it could and should be a "teachable moment" as he helped prepare me for this announcement.
If you know teenagers at all you know they are never quiet. After a Sunday School lesson I sat them down and told them Mark and I had separated. I didn't tell them why. I told them he loved them just like I did. I asked them for prayer not only for me but for Mark, too. The room was dead silent. No one spoke. I asked them if there was anything they wanted to know. They asked if that was why I took off for a few months. We prayed together. They walked out of the room in silence. Two boys stayed back and hugged me. I have tried to be completely honest with them through this struggle, answering every question.
I don't know how teenagers can be your strength but they became exactly that. I was the children's director for five years before I became the youth director. Most of these kids I knew from the time they were babies. During this time they loved me. ..no questions asked. One Sunday I lost it ...t totally and positively LOST IT...I went to my office quickly and didn't just cry, I sobbed...and Emilee happened to walk into the midst of it...she held me and cried with me and became my strength. How can you ever repay that? How can you ever say thanks for that?
I think God gave me the gift of these young people as children and then he knew I would need them when they were older and he gave them to me as teens. They have given hugs, sent texts and brought me lots of laughter and tears. They have seen the power of prayer. They have seen strength and love come from hurt and hate. They have watched the power of friendship between Lora and I. They have witnessed how friends support each other. The entire ordeal has been a lesson to them.
During the Super Bowl we were all watching together at church...sitting in front of me on bean bags were two of my older kids with my two grand kids. My grandson Zack adores these guys (they are wonderful role models for him and don't even realize it.). At one point I looked down and watched Lee reach over give him a head rub and hug. Out of the blue and for no reason. Now a few hours earlier he had been hitting Zack with the bean bad they were sitting on but now there was that brotherly love. As you can see not only I have been blessed but my family has been blessed, too.
The power of love. The song goes..."As long as I know how to love I know I will survive.." Love has come to me in many ways and my "church kids" is one of those special ways. I love you guys. Thank you God for this blessing. Once again you were there in the preparation for this hurt...you knew prior to the hurt what I was going to need and you laid the ground work. You are an awesome God.
I
Thursday, February 10, 2011
what does the lord require of you?
The scripture from Micah 6:8 has been popping up everywhere lately...when that happens I stop and take note...there is a message here...sometimes God has to slap me up 'side the head to listen!! I don't get it the first time around.
You know I am notorious for negotiating with God..as my mother-in-law used to say tit for tat and butter for fat...quid pro quo...you do for me...I'll do for you...God sure is patient with me...I can't count the number of times I've made promises...only to break them....I think God knows better...he's been around us humans long enough to know we go back on our word. We aren't very trustworthy.
There is no negotiating with God...he is in charge no matter how much I think I am! It is probably a good thing he is charge because I can make a mess of things.
So what does the Lord require of us? To seek justice...how many times do we just sit still when there are things going on around us we don't believe in or we know to be wrong...we sit there and don't say a word...we are mum...Greg preached a sermon recently about how doing nothing is as bad as doing the wrong thing...APATHY...So stand up for what you believe in and what God says is right...
I think that is why I've been so disappointed in my family-in-law...these good Christian people going along with the adultery of their son and brother and never taking a stand...never saying "That is wrong"...his soul is in jeopardy and they don't want to offend him. Or maybe they feel adultery is okay? I am so disappointed in them...now I know how God feels when we don't stand up for justice. His disappointment in us. But unlike me he doesn't turn away...he keeps on loving us...oh my, I should be listening!
OOOOps then comes the next line...love kindness...or mercy...depending on which version you read...so I guess I should forget the former paragraph and forgive those in-laws...shucks...I don't want to...But God requires this of me...to love kindness...I will work on that one.
The final requirement is to walk humbly...it would be so hard to walk humbly with God...I would be bragging..telling everyone "I am here walking with God"..."be jealous...look at me"in human nature those two things just don't go together do they??
Wow! I don't fit any of those God requirements...that must be why God keeps hitting me with that scripture... Will I ever get this God stuff right? Thank goodness he never gives up on me...that is my requirement of him!
You know I am notorious for negotiating with God..as my mother-in-law used to say tit for tat and butter for fat...quid pro quo...you do for me...I'll do for you...God sure is patient with me...I can't count the number of times I've made promises...only to break them....I think God knows better...he's been around us humans long enough to know we go back on our word. We aren't very trustworthy.
There is no negotiating with God...he is in charge no matter how much I think I am! It is probably a good thing he is charge because I can make a mess of things.
So what does the Lord require of us? To seek justice...how many times do we just sit still when there are things going on around us we don't believe in or we know to be wrong...we sit there and don't say a word...we are mum...Greg preached a sermon recently about how doing nothing is as bad as doing the wrong thing...APATHY...So stand up for what you believe in and what God says is right...
I think that is why I've been so disappointed in my family-in-law...these good Christian people going along with the adultery of their son and brother and never taking a stand...never saying "That is wrong"...his soul is in jeopardy and they don't want to offend him. Or maybe they feel adultery is okay? I am so disappointed in them...now I know how God feels when we don't stand up for justice. His disappointment in us. But unlike me he doesn't turn away...he keeps on loving us...oh my, I should be listening!
OOOOps then comes the next line...love kindness...or mercy...depending on which version you read...so I guess I should forget the former paragraph and forgive those in-laws...shucks...I don't want to...But God requires this of me...to love kindness...I will work on that one.
The final requirement is to walk humbly...it would be so hard to walk humbly with God...I would be bragging..telling everyone "I am here walking with God"..."be jealous...look at me"in human nature those two things just don't go together do they??
Wow! I don't fit any of those God requirements...that must be why God keeps hitting me with that scripture... Will I ever get this God stuff right? Thank goodness he never gives up on me...that is my requirement of him!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
words and dogs
If you have been following my blog you know I love to read. Words are powerful, they are soothing, they are comforting and they bring knowledge.
Through this ordeal I stopped reading for pleasure.
For Christmas I got a kindle and the second book I downloaded was The Lost Dogs: Michael Vick's Dogs their Tale of Rescue and Redemption. You will also learn I love dogs.
I was around my youth group and friends as I started reading this book. They would say to me "What is wrong with you? You are getting all worked up. Chill." I couldn't put it down.
Time for my soapbox. The things done to those dogs were horrific and to read about them stirred me to tears. But (big but) this is a story of perseverance. They came through this darkness to be loving, rehabilitated and living new lives. There is a real lesson there!
After I read the book I was fired up! I was ready to contribute to the Michael Vick "hit" fund! Heck, I might start it!! I was ready to take on the entire NFL, boycott whoever he was playing for. I was online, reading all that I could find, tracking the dogs, watching videos, emailing, commenting.
Then I stopped and stood still. I realized my passion was back! It took dogs and words! I could feel again.
It felt like the room lit up and angels were singing Handel's Messiah!!
Like the dogs I had passed through the darkness and there was light again. I related to those poor pups. Those dogs felt pain, like me, but learned to trust again...little by little. I'm there now...little by little the trust is coming.
God gives us what we need when we need it...at the exact time. He knew I was ready! He knew what I loved! He wanted me to feel that "fire in my belly" and that kick butt attitude again.
I am alive!! He did it with words and dogs...Thank God!
Through this ordeal I stopped reading for pleasure.
For Christmas I got a kindle and the second book I downloaded was The Lost Dogs: Michael Vick's Dogs their Tale of Rescue and Redemption. You will also learn I love dogs.
I was around my youth group and friends as I started reading this book. They would say to me "What is wrong with you? You are getting all worked up. Chill." I couldn't put it down.
Time for my soapbox. The things done to those dogs were horrific and to read about them stirred me to tears. But (big but) this is a story of perseverance. They came through this darkness to be loving, rehabilitated and living new lives. There is a real lesson there!
After I read the book I was fired up! I was ready to contribute to the Michael Vick "hit" fund! Heck, I might start it!! I was ready to take on the entire NFL, boycott whoever he was playing for. I was online, reading all that I could find, tracking the dogs, watching videos, emailing, commenting.
Then I stopped and stood still. I realized my passion was back! It took dogs and words! I could feel again.
It felt like the room lit up and angels were singing Handel's Messiah!!
Like the dogs I had passed through the darkness and there was light again. I related to those poor pups. Those dogs felt pain, like me, but learned to trust again...little by little. I'm there now...little by little the trust is coming.
God gives us what we need when we need it...at the exact time. He knew I was ready! He knew what I loved! He wanted me to feel that "fire in my belly" and that kick butt attitude again.
I am alive!! He did it with words and dogs...Thank God!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
lamentations...woe is me
I am taking a Disciple bible study class right now...I feel the need for some teaching! So what is the first thing I read...Lamentations...and I think I've had it bad...it can always be worse! That "woe is me" by the Jewish people as they are led off to Babylonia...they had it so good...what happened...why didn't they listen?
You know it is always someone else's fault...we hate to think or admit we may have done anything wrong! But we do...and do we have prophets today to tell us? One of my worst faults is covering all of my bases...
my daily horoscopes...I always laugh and say "it's just a parlor game". But just like in lamentations...the Jews are told again and again about false Gods. But it is just my daily reading...or my tarot cards..it's online...it's nothing...but it is...it creates this little seed of doubt...this thinking of maybe it is correct maybe it is all about fate...maybe it's in the cards...God who??
Several weeks before I found out about Mark's affair, we were playing our parlor game at work...and I was told "someone is having an affair"...I was dumbfounded and (I am sorry Becky) thought I knew my husband was having an affair with his friend Becky...well he was but not with her...but do you see...because it was true I believed maybe I could rely on these cards for my answers.
I must confess...I have been to a psychic several times and have even talked friends into going with me...what is that about...and I could see answers in her predictions...just the other day I found a printout of our session and thought look at that...so much of it is true...If I were God I would be totally pissed at Kim McHenry!!
I know what God expects of me and false Gods is not it...I asked the psychic one time about her feelings on God and if this goes against all we are told by him and she quoted scripture to me...but doesn't the bible say false God's can do that?
When my troubles began I looked at what I had done lately searching for a reason...just like those Jews in the book of Lamentations....woe is me...why me...well God had plenty of reason...but I know my God doesn't punish me...I do plenty of that on my own...I have free will...I make choices...I like to cover all of my bases just in case God isn't what I think he is.
I had a kid one time ask me...do you actually believe all this stuff about God...yes I do..why don't I act like it...I don't walk the talk I talk...it is a daily struggle...every day I have to make the God choice and that isn't easy...WOE IS ME... I will lament and I will keep struggling...
You know it is always someone else's fault...we hate to think or admit we may have done anything wrong! But we do...and do we have prophets today to tell us? One of my worst faults is covering all of my bases...
my daily horoscopes...I always laugh and say "it's just a parlor game". But just like in lamentations...the Jews are told again and again about false Gods. But it is just my daily reading...or my tarot cards..it's online...it's nothing...but it is...it creates this little seed of doubt...this thinking of maybe it is correct maybe it is all about fate...maybe it's in the cards...God who??
Several weeks before I found out about Mark's affair, we were playing our parlor game at work...and I was told "someone is having an affair"...I was dumbfounded and (I am sorry Becky) thought I knew my husband was having an affair with his friend Becky...well he was but not with her...but do you see...because it was true I believed maybe I could rely on these cards for my answers.
I must confess...I have been to a psychic several times and have even talked friends into going with me...what is that about...and I could see answers in her predictions...just the other day I found a printout of our session and thought look at that...so much of it is true...If I were God I would be totally pissed at Kim McHenry!!
I know what God expects of me and false Gods is not it...I asked the psychic one time about her feelings on God and if this goes against all we are told by him and she quoted scripture to me...but doesn't the bible say false God's can do that?
When my troubles began I looked at what I had done lately searching for a reason...just like those Jews in the book of Lamentations....woe is me...why me...well God had plenty of reason...but I know my God doesn't punish me...I do plenty of that on my own...I have free will...I make choices...I like to cover all of my bases just in case God isn't what I think he is.
I had a kid one time ask me...do you actually believe all this stuff about God...yes I do..why don't I act like it...I don't walk the talk I talk...it is a daily struggle...every day I have to make the God choice and that isn't easy...WOE IS ME... I will lament and I will keep struggling...
Sunday, February 6, 2011
dog poop
i have 5 dogs and a fenced in back yard...they eat and poop twice a day...you do the math....I pick up dog poop daily...just so you can walk through the yard.
I actually have a God moment that is based on dog poop!!
The first year we took the kids on a mission trip we went to Tybee Island...we had 20 kids and one of those kids seemed to wear the same clothes over and over...every day we would say "Did you take a shower today" to which he would give us that look.
The Sunday following our return we all sat together at church. As you can guess he had the same clothes on as all during the trip. I sat beside him at early service, Sunday school and late service. All the while sniffing the air and smelling the stench. How could he not smell how bad he smelled?? He needed a shower...his mother should have sniffed him before he left.
During late service I crossed my legs as I sat next to this young man and dangling from my shoe was a big clump of dog poop... God laughed and said...when we think it is someone else who smells sometimes the stink is on us.
This Sunday morning...check your shoes.
I actually have a God moment that is based on dog poop!!
The first year we took the kids on a mission trip we went to Tybee Island...we had 20 kids and one of those kids seemed to wear the same clothes over and over...every day we would say "Did you take a shower today" to which he would give us that look.
The Sunday following our return we all sat together at church. As you can guess he had the same clothes on as all during the trip. I sat beside him at early service, Sunday school and late service. All the while sniffing the air and smelling the stench. How could he not smell how bad he smelled?? He needed a shower...his mother should have sniffed him before he left.
During late service I crossed my legs as I sat next to this young man and dangling from my shoe was a big clump of dog poop... God laughed and said...when we think it is someone else who smells sometimes the stink is on us.
This Sunday morning...check your shoes.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
scripture in the strangest places!
Many times it is through scripture reading that God speaks. Scripture has been my friend through this as I search for answers...It is the age old question of why bad things happen to good people...that may be a bit pretentious but I try to be good...As I said, in the beginning it was Job and that was depressing but I read a lot of God's replies to Job...those "who do you think you are" scriptures...which humbled me...but I know my God is a loving God, so I wanted the reassurance which is when I turned to the Psalms. David was a jerk but he also was attuned to God. Psalm 23 became about hardships more than death for me. Psalm 139 reassured me that God knows ME. He knows what is happening with ME...and has from the beginning.
My friend Lora would text me scripture whenever she thought of me...Jeremiah 29:11 became my mantra ...'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, ' plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' What peace you can find in that!! As I type that scripture is hanging in front of me and in my car it is on my dash.
With healing came different scripture...Proverbs has such wisdom! Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer turns away wrath..." and Isaiah brings hope, "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength."
Years ago Traci got me a little box full of tiny little cards with daily scripture reading and I started reading one every morning and going to my bible and looking up what is around it...also there is a prayer on the other side of the little card...it is usually right on target with what I am feeling...
Last night around 2:00am I let the dogs out and as I slipped back in bed there was something stuck to my butt...guess what...it was one of those little cards from my daily scripture reading...so I figured God really wanted me to get this one!!! Matthew 5:4 " Blessed are they that mourn; for they will be comforted."
I was having one of those crying moments yesterday....someone said something nice to me (about my cleavage) and on the way home I burst into tears wondering why my husband never spoke to me like that and realizing I felt ugly for a long time...Maybe God is telling me...you've mourned and I've comforted...now move on girlfriend!!! Thank you Barry it wasn't sexual harassment and I did look in the mirror!!!
I think I can really say God gave me a kick in the butt...isn't he funny!!
My friend Lora would text me scripture whenever she thought of me...Jeremiah 29:11 became my mantra ...'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, ' plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' What peace you can find in that!! As I type that scripture is hanging in front of me and in my car it is on my dash.
With healing came different scripture...Proverbs has such wisdom! Proverbs 15:1 "A gentle answer turns away wrath..." and Isaiah brings hope, "those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength."
Years ago Traci got me a little box full of tiny little cards with daily scripture reading and I started reading one every morning and going to my bible and looking up what is around it...also there is a prayer on the other side of the little card...it is usually right on target with what I am feeling...
Last night around 2:00am I let the dogs out and as I slipped back in bed there was something stuck to my butt...guess what...it was one of those little cards from my daily scripture reading...so I figured God really wanted me to get this one!!! Matthew 5:4 " Blessed are they that mourn; for they will be comforted."
I was having one of those crying moments yesterday....someone said something nice to me (about my cleavage) and on the way home I burst into tears wondering why my husband never spoke to me like that and realizing I felt ugly for a long time...Maybe God is telling me...you've mourned and I've comforted...now move on girlfriend!!! Thank you Barry it wasn't sexual harassment and I did look in the mirror!!!
I think I can really say God gave me a kick in the butt...isn't he funny!!
Friday, February 4, 2011
people you trip over
Somewhere there is a quote that goes something like.... People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do...I truly believe God put people in my life during this past year that helped move me forward and prepared me along the way.
Five years ago I changed jobs. The job I went to was almost all women, but Christian women, where we talk about God and talk about God in our lives...when this happened to me the women at work closed ranks and surrounded me with love, they helped me face the fact it was over, they helped me dig for answers when I needed them, they told me I looked beautiful when I looked awful...and they prayed for me. They also helped me take that first tentative step into the land of the living...I always remember them coming in at lunch and saying "Get your butt up...you need to get out of here...it is time to move." It was like God knew exactly five years ago who needed to be around me to get me through this.
My church family also circled the wagons. Once they found out what was going on they loved me, hugged me, let me cry and kept me in their prayers. They didn't pry or ask questions...they let me tell what I needed to tell and kept quiet and didn't spread rumors...which is what you would hope your church would be like....someone just told me last night, "I don't know who you told at the beginning but they kept it close and respected your space"...All this time they also built me up and pushed me along my path.
Divorce Care...I went to a 12 week course at a local Nazarene Church. I knew no one in this workshop but they met me where I was and helped me to grow through this ordeal. They were right on target...the answers were there...This was also the first time I thought I could help someone else going through this.
Friends and Lora (who is my dear friend) will get their own posting! They were so important...more than they will ever know. These are the folks that last a lifetime.
The lady at the bank...I went once to the bank to get my mortgage put in my name and left numb after I was told I would need to refinance, etc...and not very nicely. I gave myself a couple of months and went back and got a new person (older lady) who talked me through all kinds of financial stuff and helped me set up a plan. She was wonderful..I cried and she patted my back and gave me tissues...and I was set...we did what needed to be done!!
Counselors...one of the first people I talked to after finding out about Mark told me first thing to do is "find a counselor for you". I went to my family doctor (who then became involved in my recovery which was a good thing) and she connected me with Tom who was just who I needed. Tom let me figure things out myself (all of my counselor friends are saying "That's what we do!")...he let me talk...he let me rave...he let me cry...and in the end he helped me figure out this marriage could not be saved. He was a Christian counselor so with it came bible stories and scripture which is what I needed. This past holiday I really felt I needed to talk to someone so I went back to counseling (a program through our work) and met Luanne. She gave me books to read and we just talked...and when I felt I was OK and I made it through the holidays and I didn't think I needed her anymore...she told me that was her last day at work...see she was there just for me...the person I needed.
People...some not really friends but put where and when I needed them ...God is good all the time...and he sees the big picture...how blessed am I!!!
Five years ago I changed jobs. The job I went to was almost all women, but Christian women, where we talk about God and talk about God in our lives...when this happened to me the women at work closed ranks and surrounded me with love, they helped me face the fact it was over, they helped me dig for answers when I needed them, they told me I looked beautiful when I looked awful...and they prayed for me. They also helped me take that first tentative step into the land of the living...I always remember them coming in at lunch and saying "Get your butt up...you need to get out of here...it is time to move." It was like God knew exactly five years ago who needed to be around me to get me through this.
My church family also circled the wagons. Once they found out what was going on they loved me, hugged me, let me cry and kept me in their prayers. They didn't pry or ask questions...they let me tell what I needed to tell and kept quiet and didn't spread rumors...which is what you would hope your church would be like....someone just told me last night, "I don't know who you told at the beginning but they kept it close and respected your space"...All this time they also built me up and pushed me along my path.
Divorce Care...I went to a 12 week course at a local Nazarene Church. I knew no one in this workshop but they met me where I was and helped me to grow through this ordeal. They were right on target...the answers were there...This was also the first time I thought I could help someone else going through this.
Friends and Lora (who is my dear friend) will get their own posting! They were so important...more than they will ever know. These are the folks that last a lifetime.
The lady at the bank...I went once to the bank to get my mortgage put in my name and left numb after I was told I would need to refinance, etc...and not very nicely. I gave myself a couple of months and went back and got a new person (older lady) who talked me through all kinds of financial stuff and helped me set up a plan. She was wonderful..I cried and she patted my back and gave me tissues...and I was set...we did what needed to be done!!
Counselors...one of the first people I talked to after finding out about Mark told me first thing to do is "find a counselor for you". I went to my family doctor (who then became involved in my recovery which was a good thing) and she connected me with Tom who was just who I needed. Tom let me figure things out myself (all of my counselor friends are saying "That's what we do!")...he let me talk...he let me rave...he let me cry...and in the end he helped me figure out this marriage could not be saved. He was a Christian counselor so with it came bible stories and scripture which is what I needed. This past holiday I really felt I needed to talk to someone so I went back to counseling (a program through our work) and met Luanne. She gave me books to read and we just talked...and when I felt I was OK and I made it through the holidays and I didn't think I needed her anymore...she told me that was her last day at work...see she was there just for me...the person I needed.
People...some not really friends but put where and when I needed them ...God is good all the time...and he sees the big picture...how blessed am I!!!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Knowledge is Power
Anyone that knows me knows I love to read..for the past year I was on auto pilot...I did not read for enjoyment...I read for knowledge...I had to know everything happening to me...and like everything else I had people (counselors) that put books in front of me that helped me get through each phase...and I was knowledge obsessive...which I think comes from not getting answers because I had a "Runaway Husband" (that would be the name of a book). All of these books were foundations for the next phase and helped me climb my ladder back to sanity. I thought I would share my list...ladies keep it at hand because you NEVER know when you might need it...I am a prime example...this gift of knowledge, this blessing from God always gave me answers I was searching for. Then there were the books that just made me laugh...which i needed so desperately...finally about a month ago I finished my first book in a long time...a book read simply for pleasure. I realized that passion was back in my life...I will talk about that at another time...so here is the Kim book list for divorcing women...share it or read it. I will let you borrow any time.
Phase 1: At first knowledge of an affair when you are gasping for air (The Tsunami)
Surviving the Affair Dr. Willard Harley, Dr. Jennifer Chalmers
After the Affair I can't find my copy...i must have read it to death or it died in the bathtub!
Boundaries, How to say yes, How to say no Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Phase 2: I am spinning out of control (The Tornado)
Crazy Time Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life Abigail Trafford
Phase 3: I feel like i am raw and bleeding (The Thunderstorm)
re-read all of the above...take notes...highlight!
Phase 4: you feel you've lost your footing (The Ice-Storm)
Extreme Breakup Recovery Jeanette Castelli
Phase 5: your world is still gray, but the feeling is not as intense (The Fog)
Leaving him Behind: Cutting the Cord and Breaking Free after the Marriage Ends Sandra Kahn
Phase 6: your world has started to thaw (Sun Shower)
He's History You're Not Surviving Divorce after 40 (this gets many stars and held lots of answers) Erica Manfred
101 Things to Do the First Year of Your Divorce Meg Connelly
Phase 7: although you still suffer...you see new opportunities (Early Spring)
Love Lust and Faking It Jenny McCarthy...i laughed and laughed
The Artist's Way (Any of the books) Julia Cameron...a gift from above!!
quote: He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened Lao-tzu (lots more of those)
On My Own, The Art of Being A Woman Alone Florence Falk
Phase 8: Where I am now! I've made the transition into my new life and can see what it is going to look like and see my future and it is pretty good! (Warm Summer Days)
Runaway Husbands, the Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal, Vikki Stark (Thank you Vikki, the book that held all of the answers for me and named all of the phases I used above!)
visit the web site for more info...I read it and am just amazed...there should be a pic of my ex!
http://www.runawayhusbands.com/index.html
Still Hot, The uncensored guide to divorce, dating, sex, spite and happily ever after Sue Mittenthal and Linda Reing
Gifts from the Sea Anne Murrow Lindbergh
Through all phases I read
The Bible. I started with the book of Job, (O woe is me) and my counselor Tom said, "I think you are ready for something a little happier, maybe it's time to leave Job." So i moved to my FAVORITE book of the bible James which once again (as it has in previous times) had lots of answers to lots of my questions.
Thank you God for knowing what I needed to get me to the Warm days of Summer.
Phase 1: At first knowledge of an affair when you are gasping for air (The Tsunami)
Surviving the Affair Dr. Willard Harley, Dr. Jennifer Chalmers
After the Affair I can't find my copy...i must have read it to death or it died in the bathtub!
Boundaries, How to say yes, How to say no Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Phase 2: I am spinning out of control (The Tornado)
Crazy Time Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life Abigail Trafford
Phase 3: I feel like i am raw and bleeding (The Thunderstorm)
re-read all of the above...take notes...highlight!
Phase 4: you feel you've lost your footing (The Ice-Storm)
Extreme Breakup Recovery Jeanette Castelli
Phase 5: your world is still gray, but the feeling is not as intense (The Fog)
Leaving him Behind: Cutting the Cord and Breaking Free after the Marriage Ends Sandra Kahn
Phase 6: your world has started to thaw (Sun Shower)
He's History You're Not Surviving Divorce after 40 (this gets many stars and held lots of answers) Erica Manfred
101 Things to Do the First Year of Your Divorce Meg Connelly
Phase 7: although you still suffer...you see new opportunities (Early Spring)
Love Lust and Faking It Jenny McCarthy...i laughed and laughed
The Artist's Way (Any of the books) Julia Cameron...a gift from above!!
quote: He who knows others is wise. He who knows himself is enlightened Lao-tzu (lots more of those)
On My Own, The Art of Being A Woman Alone Florence Falk
Phase 8: Where I am now! I've made the transition into my new life and can see what it is going to look like and see my future and it is pretty good! (Warm Summer Days)
Runaway Husbands, the Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal, Vikki Stark (Thank you Vikki, the book that held all of the answers for me and named all of the phases I used above!)
visit the web site for more info...I read it and am just amazed...there should be a pic of my ex!
http://www.runawayhusbands.com/index.html
Still Hot, The uncensored guide to divorce, dating, sex, spite and happily ever after Sue Mittenthal and Linda Reing
Gifts from the Sea Anne Murrow Lindbergh
Through all phases I read
The Bible. I started with the book of Job, (O woe is me) and my counselor Tom said, "I think you are ready for something a little happier, maybe it's time to leave Job." So i moved to my FAVORITE book of the bible James which once again (as it has in previous times) had lots of answers to lots of my questions.
Thank you God for knowing what I needed to get me to the Warm days of Summer.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
those voices in my head!
We always laugh at work about those little voices in our head...jokingly...but I am here to tell you there are really voices! I remember Cassell years ago doing a sermon about being a Christian and he said, "Once a Christian, you know when you are doing something wrong because it just doesn't feel right and you hear that voice that says 'what are you doing?' Things are never the same! You can't get rid of those voices once you've accepted Christ!!"...
During this year I have spent many days and nights on my knees praying...I have always felt closer to God on my knees...maybe it is that humbling thing...during those times of prayer I went from one extreme to another...I prayed for my husband and my life back to kill the SOB (something with fire and brimstone would be good)!! I am sure God loved those prayers!! Thank goodness he is a forgiving God!! But remember those little voices?? They were always the same and always said the same thing..."Step away!! Know I am God and let me do my work"..."trust me"....well, if you know me I am a little controlling and all trust was just blown out of the water due to a cheating husband...and it is hard to give up that control and really trust someone else. I know best...but when you are at your lowest you really learn the most...that's when I learned to give it up and know that he is God... I stepped away from everything related to Mark...I cleaned out my house of all things Mark...I need to trust the Lord and not me...looking at that emotional roller coaster i was on that may have been a really really good idea! As I cleaned out my house I also cleaned out myself...I stopped all contact with my family-in-law which was a really hard thing to do...but started to slowly heal. Wow! He does know what he is talking about!!
"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10...that be still thing is a whole other story!!
During this year I have spent many days and nights on my knees praying...I have always felt closer to God on my knees...maybe it is that humbling thing...during those times of prayer I went from one extreme to another...I prayed for my husband and my life back to kill the SOB (something with fire and brimstone would be good)!! I am sure God loved those prayers!! Thank goodness he is a forgiving God!! But remember those little voices?? They were always the same and always said the same thing..."Step away!! Know I am God and let me do my work"..."trust me"....well, if you know me I am a little controlling and all trust was just blown out of the water due to a cheating husband...and it is hard to give up that control and really trust someone else. I know best...but when you are at your lowest you really learn the most...that's when I learned to give it up and know that he is God... I stepped away from everything related to Mark...I cleaned out my house of all things Mark...I need to trust the Lord and not me...looking at that emotional roller coaster i was on that may have been a really really good idea! As I cleaned out my house I also cleaned out myself...I stopped all contact with my family-in-law which was a really hard thing to do...but started to slowly heal. Wow! He does know what he is talking about!!
"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10...that be still thing is a whole other story!!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
prayer shawl
One of the greatest blessings our church does is they make prayer shawls for folks going through times of sickness and tough times. One Sunday morning when I was having a really hard time Betty gave me a beautiful teal blue knitted shawl. On it was a prayer by Mrye Harrison that said:
Blessings are thrown across our lives
Blessings are thrown across our lives by the Great Creative Spirit unfolding the universe, knitting us together in community.
Blessings are thrown across your shoulders over and over as you wear this shawl, blessings woven in as yarn was thrown over needles over and over as it was made.
May you rest enfolded in the soft grace of this continuous thread, interlocking you with all goodness. Amen
On this day and around our gathered circle, this shawl has been passed through our praying hands and been blessed by our loving hearts.
I know you are getting tired of hearing Joan of Arcadia analagies but one of the programs we watched was the Common Thread which talked about how our actions result in a reaction because we are all connected with a common thread that runs through us all. Actions result in reactions.
During this past year there have been many times I've crawled into bed in tears and I wrapped myself in my prayer shawl and felt the love of those women holding me up in prayer. Loving me and holding me. They may never know the affects of their ministry but I am here to tell them their love is felt. Once again another group of people put into my path to love me during this time of trial. thank you for blessing me.
Blessings are thrown across our lives
Blessings are thrown across our lives by the Great Creative Spirit unfolding the universe, knitting us together in community.
Blessings are thrown across your shoulders over and over as you wear this shawl, blessings woven in as yarn was thrown over needles over and over as it was made.
May you rest enfolded in the soft grace of this continuous thread, interlocking you with all goodness. Amen
On this day and around our gathered circle, this shawl has been passed through our praying hands and been blessed by our loving hearts.
I know you are getting tired of hearing Joan of Arcadia analagies but one of the programs we watched was the Common Thread which talked about how our actions result in a reaction because we are all connected with a common thread that runs through us all. Actions result in reactions.
During this past year there have been many times I've crawled into bed in tears and I wrapped myself in my prayer shawl and felt the love of those women holding me up in prayer. Loving me and holding me. They may never know the affects of their ministry but I am here to tell them their love is felt. Once again another group of people put into my path to love me during this time of trial. thank you for blessing me.
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